Catherine Charpentier - J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin lyrics

[Intro] EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY GEORGE R.R. MARTIN! VS! J.R.R. TOLKIEN! BEGIN! [Verse 1: George R. R. Martin] Brace yourself! Gather up your trolls and your soldier Elves! And your Ents and your Orcs and your Wargs and your Stings Your Dwarves and Glamdrings Cause there's a new literary Lord in the Ring! My readers fall in love with every character I've written Then I k** 'em (Aaaahhhh!) They're like 'No! He didn't!' All your bad guys die, and your good guys survive! We can tell what's gonna happen by page and age five! Tell your all-seeing eye to find some s** in your movies (Yeah) Ditch the Goonie, and cast a couple b**bies! There's edgier plots in that David the Gnome Your Hobbit-hole heroes can't handle my throne [Verse 2: J.R.R. Tolkien] Kings, queens, dragons, dwarves Horses, fortresses, magic and swords You Hob-bit my whole sh**, you uninspired hack You want a war, George? Welcome to Shire-raq! In book sales you've got nothing to say I'm number one and two, you're under Fifty Shades of Grey I've got the prose of a pro, your sh**'s subpar You're a pirate, you even stole my "R.R." Oh, we all know the world is full of chance and anarchy So yes, it's true-to-life for characters to die randomly But news flash, the genre's called fantasy It's meant to be unrealistic, you myopic manatee [Verse 3: George R.R. Martin] I conscientiously object to what you're doing on these beats I'll cut you like my teeth on Beauty and the Beast You went too deep, Professor Tweed Pants We don't need the backstory on every f**ing tree branch [Verse 4: J.R.R. Tolkien] I cut my teeth in the trenches of the Somme You LARPed your Santa Claus a** through Vietnam Man, it's hard for me to take criticism on clothes From a dude who sends a raven to say "Hi" to his toes [Verse 5: George R.R. Martin] Man, your fat jokes are worse than your pipe smoke My show's the hottest thing on H-B-O! I'm rock and roll, you're a nerdy little nebbish And I may be dirty, but you got a hairy foot fetish, dawg Even the names of your characters s** You got Boffers and Bofurs and Brandybucks I got a second breakfast for all them goofy f**s Lift up my gut and tea-Baggins my nuts [Verse 6: J.R.R. Tolkien] C. S. Lewis and I were just discussing How you and Jon Snow... both know nothing! Because the backstory of my box office is billions Got my children making millions off my Silmarillions And I'm more rock and roll than you've ever been Don't believe me? Ask Led Zeppelin You can't reach this Fellow, sh**, I'm Two Towering (Ooh) Every time I battle, it's Return of the King [Outro] WHO WON? WHO'S NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!