Carter Deems - Lex D vs. Carter Deems lyrics

[Intro: Lush One] Making his return to the FreshCoast stage, rapper on my right, who the f** is you player? [Lex D] Yo, yo whaddup? Lex D, AKA Bruno Bars, new year, new me...goatee. Texas clover leaf. Nerds that rap, let's get it in [Lush One] And, all the way from the dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty south and now transplanted to the west west coast. Give up a motherf**ing shout out to the rapper on my left... [Carter Deems] Yo....You already know what it is. It's your boy. Young Cat Hoarder. I'm in this building. I'm in the building. I want to give a shout out to my sponsor...uh...no wait. I want to give a big shout out to my sponsor. Kevin Makes T-Shirts In His Garage With His Ah A T-Shirt Presser That He Bought Off Craigslist.com/entertainment.LLC. Thank you. For the shirt. Let's make some noise [Round 1: Lex D] Listen here young ginger tits, it's been a crappy week Writing for you was a Nightmare Before Christmas cause you ain't not Jack to me Actually, scratch that, you look a lot like Jack to me Your personality screams Happy Feet and your salaries from Applebees Been out the game for years and now he wants to jab at me? But you'll never reach the pinnacles you have to reach Cause you a f**boy like Catholic priests Welcome back...now leave He's like, "I pop Molly but I don't mess with that Keisha hardly He's known for downing Jack and Coke's minus the Jack at pizza parties You're like the kid from Breaking Bad with Cerebral Palsy Except the kid has a lot less Cerebral Palsy It's been way long Carter I hope you don't stay long Carter No Jay-Z when I call you a white chick cause you're built like Kreayshawn, Carter If I'm wrong, feel prolonged to stop me, Carter Every time this lanky woman goes to bars, they always card her/Carter With this rap sh**, I'm like, "whoa" You see I do this every day day You softer than a girl texting message that says KK The other night I was with his bay bay, she paid Lex D a visit I said, I fixed her some dinner and said, "Let's enter the kitchen" Now, I don't have a punchline about s**ual positions That night, I just really needed a friend who would listen And me and your mom, did nothing either Cause she's an overweight 50 year old Justin Bieber She played her first game of bingo and got f**ing ethered I don't think you understand the severity of this Carter Deems Who else you know can take jokes, bars and flip it on 'em Deems? Comedic genius, but that's just for starters Deems So you're about to die by what you love, you're a martyr Deems And it's just weird, I mean it's f**ing weird How come you're coming here dressed as every member from The Wonder Years? ...Ya mama [Round 1: Carter Deems] Lex D...will you please be my bestie? Just kidding, it stresses me out every time you text me I do my hand like this...start punching where you neck be I put Lex in braces and I'm not trying to correct teeth Do my hand like this...start punching where your head be Then I'll...I can't do this anymore, do you want to come over and watch Shrek 3? I have Shrek 1 and 2 too so you can come over all next week I'll even sit on the floor in the cat poop and let you have the best seat You can't fight this I k** 'em kindness, opponents want to dead me Make 'em start swinging like a married person with a bowl trying to collect keys This munchkin won't get one punch in I'm quick enough to deflect bees I'll be able to stop everyone of his chops like I'm here to protect trees You're nothing but rec league I do nothing but wreck leagues Take the MVP trophies, start writing my speech for the ESPY You directly disrespect me every time you rap incorrectly If we gave you the credit you deserved you'd still be able to live life debt free In my closet...that's where my vest be Take it out, put it over my turtleneck, I'm so fresh you can't out dress me You should address me as Dizzy Gillespie Cause every card you pull I'm able to trump it/trumpet to throw one punch I'm able to mix it up like Nestea Your mustache is my number one pet peeve Your mustache is the number one place that pets pee This pesky pest gonna need more than a desk to test me Cause I test really well, I've never been to jail and the cops can't arrest me Cause the cops won't ever catch me! Cause I don't do anything wrong except when I had an unhealthy obsession with Lisa Leslie She is s**y Let's see, I gave him one round and sleep through the next three Just to prove you can't check me I got four cats in my apartment and I didn't pay the pet fee Yeah I have four cats and the forecast is more cats I wanted to have ten cute kids but I really can't afford that I would've came here with no shirt on, hair flowing riding on horseback But me and my dad got in an argument and he won't give me my horse back I'll roll up to where your dorm at Get my shoes muddy, not use your door mat Drag my feet across your carpet 'til it's dirtier than the hotel scene in Borat I never put my foot on a war pest He'll get shifty like the mask on Rorschach You're the 28th best battler in the world...of Warcraft Y'all know my slogan "I have irritable bowl syndrome but I stopped using medicine cause it makes my ears feel weird" Time [Round 2: Lex D] Yeah, so I guess he has cats You're a cat person and virgin You masturbate so much you're technically a hand surgeon So after the battle I won't give you daps for it Cause I don't that's worth it And bro you can't use your cats as a tax purpose I roll with my dawgs cause we got work to do You own a plural amount of cats and you're 32 I'm a better nerd than you Compared to me, you're a newb with computers A lima bean and a time machine, you'll be a legume in the future So what? I drove all the way up here just to pull his card or something? What I gotta do? Put in arrow bars or something? Yo, when I grip the arrow, that's when sh** gets crazy Run up on you when you bumping Brad Paisley Rob him for what he got and if this fool don't pay me I'll put bows to his head like newborn babies You ain't got arrow bars like that You ain't been to war my friend I want to say you're a Christian but you look more like Edge Let's go, what you know about Edge though? He went to Stockton to buy a prostitute and got friend zoned You ain't even got friend's though Just stay at home and enjoy the silence like Depeche Mode See, when you perform you nervous and start to sh** up bricks When I perform it's hands in the air like a stick up b**h Imagine this ba*tard trying to pick up chicks Nah, this chicken's a f*ggot, he'd rather pick up sticks Slow looking boy, hoe looking boy Ain't no place like home looking boy Leno took over and now Conan has no Tonight Show looking boy I played with your sister's nipples like they were iPods Cause that b**h led me on like a seeing eye dog My god, I'm seeing red like Cyclops I'm the best hands down like a [?] karate time chop ...ya mama [Round 2: Carter Deems] I drink Pierre...er'yday Look, I'm flier than a pair of J's Look, I'm flier than [?] Burlington barricades And a pink Caddy looking like the trunk full of Mary Kay The backseat full of Ashley and Mary Kate videos I live life silly bro, ate the icing off of ten pieces of carrot cake I did some really weird stuff in Paraguay So it's fair to say I've lived life in a careless way But I don't care and I really love what you've done with your hair today I've prepared [?] and arteries, the hardest bars that are bizarre But I got slept on like some well deserved R&R So I woke up, chugged three Mountain Dews just to prove that I can party hard This kid is B, I brought that expensive heat like a holographic Charizard This battle is a dragon sword versus a Labrador I don't know why you think you're swagging for Your mustache told me you really enjoy Macklemore People said I should battle more so I'm back aboard Climbing to the top like I'm chilling on the Matterhorn But it doesn't matter cause I won't quit spitting 'til Don DeMarco hit's the rapper horn We can go back and forth but no I won't pa** the torch So you can sit back and rest and follow my quotes, I'm Michael Rapaport You rapping dork, you can't out rap this dork I've seen every season of Dr. Who and I can name all the doctors too Still a party animal, got my house looking like Matt Damon's in We Bought A Zoo Everyday is Bonnaroo Even when I'm jogging dude He can't even jog, lungs full of L.A. smog, plus he looks like a Hobbit too Your jeans would be too skinny for Steve Buscemi Pants so tight I can see the silhouette of at least two pennies I know you were crying earlier but you need to regroup quicker Cause I'm so crazy, my style's so wavy, I should have some Sea Doo's with me Y'all know the slogan: My Co-Worker Won't Eat Lunch With Me Because I Sent Out A Ma** E-Mail And I Really Feel Sad About It [Round 3: Lex D] I don't care how you feel A Why do you rap as Carter Deems? Is that your real name? (Personals homie, check his ID) Yo, battle rap ain't your spot, please make it stop You sound like a person from down south who prays a lot And is about to take me to his favorite spot Where they serve hash browns and tatter tots We're all reminiscing of the Carter of past days His bedroom is where the Magic Johnson happens but that's only because he has AIDS This ain't a barber shop so you better shape up or catch fades Cause after three rounds I'm laying a beat down like cascade The return of Carter Deems Hey...that's great You were charged with a bad case of three counts of cat rape For you, everyday is a bad day You always finish last place And the only reason your girl has the heart of a champion is because she looks like Pat Stay Things that don't exist in his life: Dignity, large cash, bar stash Lex Diamond is outshining you in this battle so I don't know what you would star as Carter competing with Lex? sh**, that's a hard task Cause what happens when you run into a Lex? You'll see Car' crash See, your haircut makes you look like a teenage Simba That sh** is wack You were known for making people laugh Then several years past and now he wants to return to rap But there's a new level of funny and creativity and we all know you can't adapt So I'm sorry Carter, but you need to face the facts That position is mine now and you can't have it back Ya mama [Round 3: Carter Deems] He said something about Pat Stay and my girl, but that metaphor is broken dude Cause I don't have a girl so joke's on you He said he'd be my wing man but that promise was hollow as a bird's frame Cause I went to Applebees, flirted with three girls and you didn't tell me I had a shirt stain My name is Carter which means I come farther With the velocity of at least three hurricanes His names Alexus which translates to...you have a girl's name Time for some word play When I suit up, mask on, it's not a costume or something They be like, "Which/witch way did he go?" But I'm not on a broom or something You in Oc-to-ber/burr, start shooting this pumpkin Ring his bell, trick or - okay these four bars meant absolutely nothing My bars on point like Artemis, the archer is Which means that I hardly miss Your bars hit about as hard as a bottle of Arbor Mist or Carter's fists I swam to a birthday party in the middle of the ocean just to give a shark a gift And ate a bean burrito, sat in your couch just to prove to you that farts exist I'm not scared at all, you could grow Wolverine's claws and start swiping at me And I still try to give you a fist bump just to show you that my life is happy You could use two snakes as nunchucks and throw a viper at me And I'd act so cool you'd think I wear all white suits and drive a Caddy But really I wear green turtlenecks and all types of khakis I earn my right, bought my flight jacket just to start a fight in Cali I could wear nothing but brown Crocs and a tank top to a biker rally Push over all the motorcycles cause I have more guts than Mike O'Malley You could keep a nine where the dash be Put a nine where my back be But you're still a weirdo, I don't fear those like DeNiro when he's driving a Taxi You wanna know what people really think about you? Tonight's the night, just ask me But I warn you the truth hit you so hard you'll start seeing stars like Neil Tyson Degra**e Cause you don't live in the true trap You don't move packs You don't do crack You don't shoot gats You're not on the corner, you're not boom bap You sit on your bed in your room, that's where you do POOP at And I have the photographic evidence to prove that But I got distracted on Google so instead I brought this picture of some cute cats Y'all know my slogan: Jenna Stop Wearing My Snuggie When I Go Home. Stop Wearing It. I Went To Work And I Came Back. It Was On Beanbag Chair. My Snuggie Was On The Beanbag Chair. When I Came Home It Was On The Loveseat. I Know You're Wearing it Jenna. I Know You're Wearing It Time