Bob Rivers - The Magical Kingdom Of Claus lyrics

Dorothy Look, Toto! There it is! The mall! Toto Yap, yap, yap! Dorothy Gee, it's a lot bigger than the stores back home. I bet they waste a lot of electricity with all those decorations. I sure hope Santa's there. Elf Who are you?! Dorothy I'm Dorothy, and I'm trying to find Santa's workshop. Elf The mall is closed! Now, go away! Dorothy But we've come so far on the yellow snow road. My shoes got wrecked and I brought Auntie Em's gold card with me. It's got a $10,000 limit. Elf Now, now, calm down little girl. You got a gold card? Why didn't ya' say so? That's a card of a different color. Come on in. Santa ( loud, booming voice) Ho ho ho! I am the overweight and wonderful Claus. Who dares disturb my long winter's nap? Dorothy I-if you please, sir, Mr. Claus, I-I'm Dorothy and I want... Santa Silence! The great Claus knows why you are here. Look, it's been a long day. My lap is tired and I'm out of film. Besides, I have to feed my reindeer. Dorothy Hey, who's that? Santa Pay no attention to that skinny guy behind the escalator. The one with the pillow tied behind his waist. I am the overweight and wonderful ( voice becomes a lot less deep) Claus. Oh, man, am I starving. Ah, ya' got a sandwich on ya'? Dorothy Why, you're not Santa Claus at all. Santa Well, I'm afraid I am. You see, Mrs. Claus put me on the Slim Fast diet. Ah, I'm supposed to have a belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly. Now all I have is shakes. One for breakfast, one for lunch and a sensible cookie and skim milk for dinner. I hate it. Dorothy How come you're not making toys up at the North Pole? It's almost Christmas. Santa Oh, I'm out of the manufacturing business, Dorothy. I'm just a middleman now. Dorothy But don't you still deliver the toys? Santa Oh, yeah. Guaranteed overnight delivery. Absolutely, positively by 2 A.M. Dorothy Well, where do you get the presents? (sound of doorbell ringing) Santa Oh, uh, hang on a second. Deliveryman Delivery for Mr. Kringle. Ah, thank you, please. Oh, zank you very much. Santa Oh no, just put them over there by the, uh, VCRs, okay? Thanks a lot, guys. Dorothy Gee, what happened to Santa's workshop? (music of "If I Only Had a Brain" from The Wizard of Oz begins playing) Santa You know, looking back, I should have seen it coming. Boy, I was the king of the North Pole. Afraid of nobody. I could build anything. But then the kids got into go-bots Nintendo games and robots It wasn't quite the same I could make one thousand scooters But I never learned computers So the shop went down the drain Elves We were busy building wagons Till orders started draggin' Santa It really was a shame Elves The Japanese were on a mission Elf We were blind to competition Santa We was busy making trains Elves We thought we made it all From Barbie dolls to rubber balls But Betsy Wetsy took a fall Santa They marked her down Elves She's at the mall! Santa All the games are complicated That joystick's overrated It really rots your brain Elves All the kids would be in heaven Female Elves Instead of hangin' at 7-Eleven Santa If they only had a train O-o-o-o-hh! Dorothy (sobs) I guess Santa's workshop is gone forever. Santa Oh, I'm sorry, Dorothy. I wish there was something I could do to help. But I gotta get busy. It's almost Christmas, and I gotta put batteries in all these Game Boys. Elf Rook. Here comes somebody who can help. Santa Oh, how does she do that? Elf Oh, very easy. Horographic projections. Ratest technology. Dorothy Oh, can you help? Female Fairy Santa never needed any help. He had the power to work out of the North Pole all along. Santa I do? I mean, I did? I do? Dorothy So what should we do? Click our heels together? Female Fairy Oh, no. That only works in the movies. All he has to do is just hook these up. Dorothy Why, it's a fax machine. Santa And a cellular phone with voice messaging. And, look, a pager! I'm back in business. Ho, ho, ho! Dorothy Can it be true? Will the elves be making toys again? Santa They will if they move to Mexico. I can save a bundle if I do my manufacturing south of the border. And with these gizmos, I can keep track of who's naughty and who's nice from anywhere! Dorothy Jiminy Christmas! Oh no!