Bob Chipman - The Terrible 20 Movies of 2014 (Part 1) lyrics

All told, this was a pretty good year for movies, mostly because the stuff that was good was REALLY f**ing good. But we've already talked about that last week. In any case, it's helpful to remind ourselves how good the year was overall when faced with today's conundrum: I've set out to make a 10 Worst list for the year and realized I've seen so many flat-out bad movies, bewildering flops, middling trash and well-intentioned-but-high-profile disappontments that I just couldn't get it down to 10. So, for the first time ever (Seriously, I hope this isn't a trend), I present to you my Terrible 20...part 1. 20. Interstellar Between this movie, American Sniper and Exodus, you might call 2014 the year of movies Steven Spielberg almost directed and probably still should have. This was supposed to be the film that finally proved Christopher Nolan to be the one true heir to that other grandly visionary British auteur with the technical genius out the wazoo but the emotional understanding of a TI-84. Here, he struggles mightily to fit a human core into his signature pa**ionless hyper-realistic plot machinations and comes up heartbreakingly short. Is Interstellar a bad movie? Grudgingly, I think it gets there, yeah, though mainly because it aims high, but falls hard. 19. Godzilla (most of it) Yes, this one comes with a caveat - once Godzilla shows up and director Gareth Edwards decides to actually photograph him, Godzilla turns pretty great, even if the big fight scene is against two Kaiju so monumentally boring I'm not sure they even deserve a name. But before that, this was a big letdown that tries to mimic the hide-the-shark brilliance of Jaws, but fails to give us anything interesting to watch in the meantime. We spend most of the movie following around boring cardboard heroes, and not only does the movie sideline Godzilla, it also sidelines the one interesting character who's from the franchise's native country and whose whole characterization is "Guy who already knows everything about Godzilla". Yes, the ending kicks a**. No, it doesn't make up for the rest of the movie, and no, I'm not looking forward to drab, joyless versions of Mothra, Rodan and King Ghidrah in the sequel. 18. Exodus Can someone please help Ridley Scott? The once-visionary filmmaker remains a grand visual stylist and a technical powerhouse, but he's lost sight of the narrative, theme and other elements that gave his greatest films their lasting weight. Here, he turns in a junky, boring action-epic version of the Moses story mainly as an excuse for handfuls of big set-pieces that actually look kind of ordinary, and end up meaning nothing. And that's before we get to the film's troublingly whitewashed casting choices. 17. Sin City: A Dame To k** For You'll find no greater apologist for Robert Rodriguez than me - I still dig the hell out of his stuff when he's on point. But in trying to make the Sin City lightning strike twice, his enthusiasm and energy crashed up against the inescapable fact of there simply not being any "there" there when it comes to the work of disgraced former comics legend Frank Miller. Basically, nothing Miller is known for has ever actually held up all that well upon revisitation, and it turns out the Sin City franchise is no different. This could probably stand to be higher up on the badness scale actually, but I felt compelled to be merciful because despite everything else, hot damn, was Eva Green amazing in this. C-can we get her into some good movies, please? 16. The Legend of Hercules I don't remember a single thing that happened in this other than awesome B-movie action star Scott Adkins showing up...and then not getting to do anything. Nobody saw this, nobody cares, and I'm given to wonder if The Rock didn't fund this thing secretly just to make sure he wasn't in the worst Hercules movie this year. 15. Annabelle Hey, remember how good and simple yet scary-as-hell The Conjuring was? Yeah, well, remember how there's a completely out-of-place subplot about a stupid haunted doll in the middle of it so they have something iconic for the poster? Yeah, they...gave the doll its own movie. It's terrible. 14. Dumb and Dumber To Ah...I-I remember when you were great, Jim Carrey, and I still believe you can be great again. But...I'll admit it - I believe it a little less...after this. 13. Tammy I think Melissa McCarthy is one of the most interesting, vital and talented comic performers working today. But Tammy is so forcefully, willfully awful, it feels like a deliberate act of radical self-pregation, as though McCarthy is lashing out at her most strident critics - "I'll show THEM what 'she just makes gross fat-girl-fall-down movies' looks like!" If so, I can't fault her for the anger. But I hope she gets back to doing good movies and pushing her career forward all the same, because this is not where she deserves to be. 12. Tusk Hey, uh, Kevin Smith? Director of Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, etc.? One time leading-line of both American independent cinema and the film geek revolution? Yeah, uh...it's me, Bob. Big fan, once upon a time. Uh...d-did you hear all that hopeful-yet-melancholy stuff I said to Jim Carrey a minute ago? Yeah, I, uh...I kinda feel the opposite about you right now. Sorry. I-I still like that Clerks cartoon! 11. Heaven Is For Real Ugh. For some reason, there were a lot of bad religious movies this year, I don't know why. Heaven Is For Real wasn't the worst one, not by a country mile, but it was still pretty bad. Effectively an infomercial for a highly-profitable ma**-media ministry built around the supposed near-d**h experiences of a small child, it's as [?]treapy[?] and pointless as you'd expect. And seeing actual Hollywood actors showing up to stumble through this nonsense made for one of the year's most bizarre spectacles. That it's also an infomercial for Sony, Spiderman, Vaio laptops and other Sony products was the cherry on the sundae. Well, that was certainly painful. Next week, don your armor and dig in your heels for the bottom 10 worst movies of the year. 's gonna get ugly. I'm Bob, and that's the Big Picture.