(Get on my level, Madison, Just picture a depressed onion cutting itself.) I met a homeless man named Rich (He wasn't) Isn't that terrible? I saw a flyer for a lost dog and the dog didn't have any legs I saw a diabetic kid trick or treating I saw a giraffe who had a short neck That was sad or a deer I saw an old man get hit by a train He didn't see it in the pouring rain He didn't hear me shout, "Look out for the train!" 'Cause I didn't say anything I just thought to myself, "Oh this is gonna be sad." And it was, I'm a genius I saw a man with only one eye in a 3D movie I saw a little boy drop his ice cream cone directly on his mother's corpse I saw a kitten stuck in a tree then the kitten jumped off and he hung itself I saw a boy who had red hair I went to a store looking for something to buy But they only sold paintings of the same sad guy No, wait—this store sells mirrors See what I did there? Let's rock No The world's so sad, bros Pain, genocide, war, racism, s**ism But I gotta remember there's good things about it too Like the fact that none of that's happening to me, score! Still though it's hard not to be sad about it How do y'all do it? I've been telling you, guys, terribly sad things this whole song. You haven't been sad at all You've been... You've been happy, no, You've been laughing That's it, laughter, it's the key to everything It's the way to solve all the sadness in the world I mean, not for the people that are actually sad, but for the people like us who've gotta f**ing deal with 'em all the time Being a comedian isn't being an insensitive prick capitalizing on the most animalistic impulses of the public, it's being a hero! The world isn't sad. The world's funny! I'm a sociopath! I saw an old man slip and fall—hey, what a f**ing idiot I saw a woman at her daughter's funeral—ha ha ha! Cla**ic comedy! Everything that once was sad is somehow funny now The Holocaust and 9/11? That sh**'s funny 24/7 'Cause tragedy will be exclusively joked about, Because my empathy is bumming me out Goodbye, sadness! Hello, jokes.