Bo Burnham - I'm A Little Teapot/Improv Song lyrics

[Bo Burnham] I'm a big fan of hip-hop Because I like words, I like poetry And hip-hop feels like a way to condense a lot of those things into a short amount of time There are artists that still do that Kendrick Lamar, very word heavy, very poetic, but-- What are you doing? This is my show, do not veer credit to people outside this building Most hip-hop artists for me - and it is for me, hip-hop - has traded in words and poetry for beat fetishism It's where you make a sick beat, and then you rap anything over it and people lose their minds I'll give you an example, is there a sick beat back there for me? [Beat starts] OH sh*t! I am not one of you I am not a human being You know what I am? I'm a little teapot, short and stout Here is my handle, here is my spout When I get all steamed up, then I shout! So you tip me over and- (Pour me out!) Let's go! [Background music] (Pour me out, pour me out Tip me over and pour me out, n***a Pour me out, pour me out Tip me over and pour me out) Okay, Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, 3 bags full One for the Master One for the Dame One for the little boy that's living down the lane (Baa) (Lives down the lane) (Lives down the lane) Why is there a young boy living alone down the lane? Who signed this boy's lease? Am I the only one concerned with this little boy? Two examples, is enough [Music stops] Okay, thank you [Applause] A lesser comedian would have milked that for four verses, and a better comedian wouldn't have done it at all We're right in the sweet spot These cannons cost $200 dollars just for that joke I could give that money to a homeless person, make their day. And I don't do that, very often That is my first decision every morning Not today, nah. I'll do that tomorrow Tomorrow comes and it's still today! Tomorrow is a relative term We're not getting there Makes Annie more depressing [Walks towards piano] (f** you!) [Walks away] You don't know where I'm going, don't act like it! You're not ahead of me! I will retain the element of surprise! Blehh! Trying to work on my improv My show is very planned to the word, to the gesture [Makes finger gun, spring noise plays] And I'm trying to break out of that I want to make something brand new for every show that only a few people get to experience What's your name, man? (Rob) Rob? Alright, I'm going to try to make up a song about Rob Off the top of my head. This might not work It's to keep me sharp, I'm stalling trying to think of rhymes for Rob, its not fair Okay, song about Rob, hit the track [Music starts to play] (f**!) [Voice] Bo had s** with (Rob's) mom Bo had s** with (Rob's) mom Bo I heard you had s** with an older woman last night! (I did!) What's her son's name? (Rob, he's right there, I f**ed his mother!) Bo had s** with (Rob's) mom Bo had s** with (Rob's) mom [Bo] I f**ed her for an hour, then left when I was done Because f**ing is her game, and Rob is her son Did we plan that? We did not plan that! How does he do it? How does he pretend to do it? How does he remain contrived? I'm not honest for a second up here! Honesty is for the birds baby You want an honest comedian? Go see the rest of them 'This thing actually happened.' Cool