Bloodhound Gang - I Wish I Was Queer So I Could Get Chicks (The Las Vegas Holiday Inn lounge version) lyrics

If your a** is a Chinese restaurant, I'll have the Poo Poo Platter My friend Jerry Vandergrift kissed me in Home Ec cla** Later in the afternoon some jarheads in the locker room kicked my a** I said guys I'm like you I like Monster Trucks too Wanna see how many pushups I can do? I just wish I was queer so I could get Chicks dig guys that are Queer guys that don't dig Chicks that don't dig guys like me See I'm not queer I'm too ugly But if I were handsome just imagine how great it would be Incognito as a gay though but not actually that way though pseudo h*mo phony Maybe it's a stupid theory or maybe just stupidity But if I was a queerbee in the fashion industry Scoring with a supermodel would be easy 'Cause supermodel means voluptuous but also is synonymous with superdumb Ya see I'd be a good listener so she'd treat me like a sister and soon I'd become That trusted friend that cares that rubs her back and braids her hair No it wouldn't take a week before I'm in her underwear I wish I was queer so I could get Chicks dig guys that are Queer guys that don't dig Chicks that don't dig guys like me See I'm not queer I'm too ugly Doesn't matter what I'm packin' in my denim it's what's in my genes The only smoked meat the only sausage I would eat is made by Jimmy Dean See I'm not too keen on the smell of Vaseline No I'm not Princess Di and I don't wanna be a queen I just wish I was queer so I could get chicks Anyway if I were gay I'd have to change my name to Dirk or Lewis Hang out with my mom's hair stylist his name is Kip he's got a lisp he talks like thith And wear my mother's lingerie learn the songs of Broadway And appreciate Depeche Mode and avant-garde ballet I wish I was queer so I could get Chicks dig guys that are Queer guys that don't dig Chicks dig guys that are Queer guys that don't dig Chicks dig guys that are Queer guys that don't dig Chicks that don't dig guys like me See I'm not queer I'm too ugly And I don't shave my heiny Don't shave my heiny See I'm not queer I'm too ugly And I don't shave my heiny Don't shave my heiny See I'm not queer I'm too ugly And I don't shave my heiny Don't shave my heiny See I'm not queer I'm too ugly