Belarusian Dream Theater - Applause, Please (Part I) lyrics

Characters * HAMILTON HAYLEY HUDSON (aka BEANSTALK), an American * VLADIMIR MAKOVICH, official in the State Customs Committee of the Republic of Belarus, Human Resources and Ideology Department * VASIL BYKOV, a subordinate under Makovich Setting Minsk International Airport in the Republic of Belarus. The time is now. PART I Minsk International Airport. A holding area. Ma**es of people can be seen in the background, in various poses of waiting and shuffling past metal detectors. A good number of stone-faced guards in appropriate fatigues are everywhere. BEANSTALK is wearing a T-Shirt that says: "Applause, please" and then "UUFRHM" on the back. His luggage is covered in similar stickers that read: "I love worm composting" and "UUFRHM." Much of the contents lie strewn on a table and have been thoroughly searched. BYKOV and MAKOVICH in uniform. BYKOV is the subordinate, but has been called in to do the questioning because his English is fluent. MAKOVICH stands by at the entrance with an expression of utmost seriousness. Ideally, pet carriers are present, containing some of BEANSTALK's beloved hens. BEANSTALK What we did was, all of the buildings in my neighborhood in Brooklyn are connected, so we set up a free range on the roof. My partner and I live on the ground floor, and the chickens have a whole area of the top floor, plus the roof and the tops of the neighboring buildings. We looked into whether high density floor confinement is more humane than high-density cage confinement, right? And it's arguable. High density confinement of whatever type is the antithesis of free range. The thing is, in poultry keeping, people mistake free range with yarding, which means keeping the poultry in fenced-in yards. You want to think in terms of one chicken per square meter at all times. Because you want to prevent cannibalism, which you only do by giving the birds good gra** range. Now, de-beaking was invented to prevent cannibalism among birds not on free range. The need for de-beaking is pretty much the litmus test for whether your chickens' environment is sufficiently free-range-like. Bottom line is, space is not something you can afford to skimp on. BYKOV (An American pa**port in his hands.) The pa**port you are carrying is not your own. BEANSTALK Beanstalk is what they call me, okay? No one but my stepmother still calls me by that other name. BYKOV Hamilton Hayley Hudson. BEANSTALK Bean for short. Beanstalk is more of an honorific. BYKOV What is your reason for wanting to transport live animals from the Republic of Belarus? BEANSTALK I have a chicken coop back home on the roof of my building in Brooklyn. I am bringing over some hens to breed. BYKOV You want to make more chickens? BEANSTALK I want to make more chickens. BYKOV There are no chickens in Brooklyn for breeding in your coop? BEANSTALK These hens are from like one of the most prestigious hatcheries in Belarus. You can't get hens like these in Brooklyn. BYKOV The quality of the Belarus chickens brought you here. On a tourist visa. BEANSTALK I came to research how they're raised and fed. I did a tour of the main poultry factories in the area. BYKOV You went to Krupuskaya? Krupuskaya Poultry Factory? BEANSTALK Crap- sky. Yeah. Yeah. From what I've seen, there's definitely a culture there of excellence in poultry. BYKOV You wanted to observe what? The diet and education, the language and mannerisms of the Belarus chickens. BEANSTALK They warned me about getting stopped like this, you know? That it could be totally complicated to transport the hens. BYKOV I suppose you think our hens can be bought cheaply here in Belarus. Can be brought over to America to breed like common prostitutes. BEANSTALK The hens were a present from my hosts. I wasn't going to refuse, right? Of course I was going to accept the hens. BYKOV These are not mail order brides, you understand. BEANSTALK I understand. BYKOV These are not street walkers. Perhaps your chickens do that in America, but our livestock benefit from the highest moral upbringing. BEANSTALK I don't mean to disrespect the hens in any way. I'm here to celebrate the hens. (MAKOVICH begins making chicken noises) BYKOV Belarus is a great country, with the best president. Unemployment is only 1.5%. What is unemployment in the U.S.? BEANSTALK I don't know - I'm not sure - I don't know the unemployment rate in the U. S. BYKOV What is your profession in Brooklyn? BEANSTALK I am what they call an urban mixologist. BYKOV You work in a bar. BEANSTALK It's my day job, except at night. BYKOV You are not a journalist? BEANSTALK I'm also a blogger, yeah. I would say that has become more than a hobby lately. BYKOV You are an educated man, no doubt. BEANSTALK I did undergraduate and all that, before I realized what a load of crap the establishment was feeding me. I was being taught to value myself on the basis of a college degree - which ultimately says what about who I really am, you know? BYKOV Yet you don't know the unemployment rate of your own country? BEANSTALK I mean, I blog about poultry. That's my pa**ion. BYKOV You are cuckoo for chickens. BEANSTALK I am something of an aficionado. Let's say I see myself as part of a much larger movement. BYKOV An international organization. BEANSTALK Absolutely. BYKOV Of people who appreciate chickens. BEANSTALK I publish detailed ratings of poultry. My blog gets millions of hits. Maybe not millions, but a lot of hits. A substantial number. It has become very much a hub. If you put it on the internet, they will come, you know? I'm surprised you haven't heard of the You-From movement. BYKOV The You-From movement. BEANSTALK I thought we were big in Belarus. BYKOV I am just an ignorant peasant from the countryside. Maybe you can explain this big movement to me. BEANSTALK You know, like on the stickers - (he reads out the acronym UUFRHM) - it's an acronym. BYKOV I see. Yoooou - Froooom. I see. BEANSTALK The Underground Urban Free Range Hen Movement. BYKOV And this is - (to the stickers on the luggage) - a motto of your movement? A slogan? BEANSTALK This? Well, no, I don't know. It's just something we came up with. BYKOV What does it mean? BEANSTALK I don't know. I guess just that I feel positively about worm composting. BYKOV You like worm composting. BEANSTALK We come up with funny stuff like that all the time to put on stickers and T-shirts. BYKOV Who is we? BEANSTALK Kyle, this barista I know who's actually from Brooklyn, as in born there and went to school. And me. BYKOV You put slogans on stickers along with an a**ociate of yours in Brooklyn where you live. BEANSTALK I have some silkscreen equipment in the basement. We also do T -shirts. BYKOV Your blog was popular enough to draw the attention of our minister of agriculture. BEANSTALK My- Ass - something- something. Yeah, he spared no expense flying me over. BYKOV Your flight to Belarus and weeklong accommodation at an exclusive hotel in the center of Minsk was paid for in full by this person, and yet you do not know his name? BEANSTALK Everyone here has these long last names that are hard to pronounce. BYKOV Myasnikovich. BEANSTALK Yeah. It was an honor to be invited. BYKOV Myasnikovich. BEANSTALK When I first got the invite I thought it was a practical joke. BYKOV We are a cliche of impossible names to you, is that right? It always snows here, as far as you people know. Americans imagine we all walk around in big furry hats year-round. We also have spring and summer here in Belarus. Not everything you read about our country is sinister. We are a free people. We are cultured. We have a literary tradition rooted in the humility and values of the peasant, who works the land with his own hands and reaps the fruits for the benefit of all society. BEANSTALK No, I get that. I mean, I'm raising hens on a rooftop in Brooklyn, you know? MAKOVICH Worm composting. BEANSTALK Yeah. It's - I don't know - it's funny, right? BYKOV My accent amuses you? BEANSTALK No, not at all. BYKOV I would like to hear you speak even one word of my native language. BEANSTALK Look, I'm here out of respect. I'm here because I get it. In Brooklyn, people make fun of our coop and call us hipsters. One lady called the cops on us once because of noise. I mean, hens don't make any noise, get over yourself, lady. But being invited here has been a legitimation. It shows that what I do is more than just a fringe thing. Governments are looking to bloggers like me to - you know - introduce their poultry to the world market. BYKOV Two roads diverged in a yellow wood. Do you know who said that? BEANSTALK No. BYKOV One of our greatest Belarusian poets. The poem ends: You must take the road less traveled if you want to live to see your old age in good health, surrounded by a half-dozen grandchildren. Of course in the original it sounds much more poetic. BEANSTALK I think that's beautiful. BYKOV Of course it's beautiful. It's poetry. BEANSTALK Look, can I ask a question here? BYKOV Of course. BEANSTALK Is this about the paperwork for the hens? Because I can vouch that they have all the transport papers and the veterinary examinations and everything. BYKOV You want to vouch to me that you carry nothing but clean chickens? BEANSTALK These two goons came up to me while I was standing around, waiting for my flight? What's up with that? All of a sudden they brought me here and I don't even know why. BYKOV The goons you refer to are my colleagues. BEANSTALK Okay, but can you tell your colleagues that I have a flight to catch? BYKOV My supervisor is aware of your flight to catch. Text Continues...