BBC - World War I Origins lyrics

[Verse 1: Gavrilo Princip] Yo, your fatty Franz Ferdinand didn't see Princip's pistol Too busy guzzling his tenth wiener schnitzel Popped a cap in his a** for my Black Hand brothers Shave off that 'tache, it's bigger than your mother's! Now just like your bald head you ain't got no heir I spit rhyme as your empire decline Have you any notion of united Slav nation? You catch my drift or do you want a translation? Serbia got friends, yo! Russia's our homie Think we're scared? Here's two words for you: Blow me! [Verse 2: Franz Josef] You want a war, Gav? We bring the pain, Slav Blood spilt in Sarajevo gonna cause a blood bath, yo! Russians, Mongols, Turks, my b**hes Best watch out 'cos my trigger finger itches You're tiresome, you're irksome Like a Slavic Jeremy Clarkson [Gavrilo Princip] Huh? Who the hell is that? [King George V] Nothing to do with us [Verse 3: Franz Josef] Back to the story, the story of doom For poor tiny Serbia's about to go boom! You hear me, a**a**in? Our troops are ma**in' Get ready for the bombing, the shootin', the ga**in' Here is the deal yo! sh** just got real yo! You'll be crushed under Austro-Hungary's heel yo! I'll kick you in the Balkans and degrade Belgrade Even if those Russians are rushin' to your aid [Tsar Nicholas II] You think so? [Franz Josef] Oh crap! [Verse 4: Tsar Nicholas II] Back up Franz Josef, Serbia's our brethren Same blood, same religion, same Slavic complexion We're packing more army than you got salami So stop your bragging, your trolling Or the Cossack pain train starts rolling Last time you kicked off I sweat revolution This time my solution is your dissolution Beware the Russian Bear [Kaiser Wilhelm II] Everyone knows me, ja? The Kaiser, ja? Coo-ee! [Verse 5: Kaiser Wilhelm II] I'm Kaiser Wilhelm II, the first was a gas But like the Godfather, the sequel kicks a** Got clowns to the west of me and jokers to the east But Austro-Hungary's my mate Gonna eradicate the Serbian beast So back off Cousin Nick, don't take the mick And tell your mates France not to interfere This ain't no prance, it's a German war dance! [Verse 6: King George V] Chill out cousin Willy, stop acting so silly You be tripping by flipping the bird willy-nilly The armies of the triple entente — mighty Russia, France, and this b**h — Blighty Your rhymes are a shambles, your words are a gamble You're taking an enormous punt No wonder my homies and yours too Think you're a ma**ive... difficult chap Your territorial ambition puts us in this position So go ahead, cuz, rant and rave Your plans will be sunk like your floating junk Royal Britannia rules the waves [Verse 7: Kaiser Wilhelm II] Empire braggarts, you hate the French And their snail-s**ing, frog-cooking garlic stench As for your dreadnoughts, wave them goodbye I'll make your navy into gravy for sauerkraut pie Gonna send my thugs through Belgium into France Nothing can stop this Teutonic advance Germany will rise again like the past A glorious empire built to last Let me tell you, this ain't no mystery Wilhelm the Great will go down in history! [Verse 8: King George V] Wilhelm the Great? More like Billy no mates Your ideas are absurd, we gave Belgium our word We've got no choice if you won't behave Our poor old grandma must be spinning in her grave [Tsar Nicholas II, Kaiser Wilhelm II and King George V] Granny [Verse 8: Kaiser Wihelm II] Look into my eyes! You see compromise? Your collective demise will see our rise! I can't back down now, I'll look a clown now Ain't sh** that can stop this countdown now! [Kaiser Wilhelm II] I'm going for a lie down now