Baba Brinkman - Merchant's Tale lyrics

It's the story of a rich old man, January He's still a bachelor at sixty, but now he plans to marry And he's looking for a beautiful young wife Which is an option for rich old geezers sometimes See, January was one of those “secularists” Which means he had no control over his s**ual urges He couldn't say which was better, gettin' laid or gettin' paid He just knew when he was gettin' one, the other would get away But then he changed, whether from religious sensibility Or whether he just got thick-headed from senility I can't say, but suddenly he wanted it January became a dedicated monogamist Instead of a misogynist, treating women like objects It's funny how our attitudes change with our prospects Yeah, marriage is a beautiful thing Especially for those who are too old to swing That's when it's nice to just stay home with your wife Instead of chasing waterfalls, ‘cause it's cold outside Take my advice, all you bachelor men If you want love and happiness and companionship You need a wife, a woman who will never be impatient No more rejection and constant humiliation Or anyway, that's what January would say Once he decided he was ready for his wedding day So he asked his friends to help him find somebody And said “Guys, just try to make sure she's under twenty I want s** appeal, not a tough old cow I want some tender veal, instead of know-how I want a woman I can mold right now with my own hands Not a pre-fab thirty-year-old, I want some warm wax Well, soon a young girl caught his fancy And he said he had to have her if he wanted to be happy And I'll skip the details of how they got engaged Except just to say: rich men get the females The girl that he chose was named May A pretty eighteen-year-old with a baby face And when the wedding day came, the pairing was gorgeous They looked like Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford If Calista was more like Miley Cyrus' age Yeah, everyone agreed that the bride was a babe And January just watched her with lust in his eyes And all he really wanted was to bust in her thighs But first he had to get through the vows and feast And the speeches, while suppressing his eagerness But when the last guest in the villa went home He took his bride to bed – she lay as still as a stone As he caressed her, and said “Sorry I have to hurt you But the church say s** within marriage is a virtue And now that we're husband and wife I can make tonight last as long as I like” And in spite of his age, January stayed solid And several long hours of unpleasantness followed And in the morning, instead of pa**ing out He sat up in bed singing and laughing out loud And she just watched him, like “Ew, he's crazy old! The wrinkles on his neck look like the skin of a baby mole!” And so on, and January singin' his verses With his wife lying next to him, thinkin' he's worthless So we'll just leave May in bed with her disappointment And I'll talk about the fly in the ointment January had an a**istant named Damian He was at the wedding, yeah, he was one of his favorites But Damian couldn't even enjoy the day Because Damian had eyes only for May But he knew he couldn't tell her ‘cause his boss was jealous And January had sway like the Rockafellers So he thought to himself that the sure way to get her Was to write the girl a note, oh yes, a love letter When he finished the note, like a sneaky sneak Damian hid it somewhere she would find it secretly And he signed his name to it, he was takin' his chances ‘Cause a young man's likelihood of mating advances By takin' risks – that's how human nature is ‘Cause the girls love a guy if he's dangerous And when May found the note, she read it and smiled ‘Cause he was kinda sweet, plus it was written with style And it said: “PS – I'm dead if you tell your husband” So she ripped it into fifty little pieces and flushed it Well after that things changed Damian and May played the winking game But they couldn't follow through ‘cause there was a jealous guy In the mix – January kept a watchful eye On his chick, and the months pa**ed by But January was old – he was slowly going blind Which was increasing Damian's chance of penetration Thank goodness for advanced macular degeneration And if January was jealous before Well, his blindness amplified it just a little bit more He was so afraid to find his wife in a tryst That he kept one hand at all times on her wrist With no exceptions, not even for toilet breaks While she peed he would hover beside her like a coiled snake Guarding its eggs, but his problem wasn't solved Cause her lack of freedom just increased her resolve And pretty soon, opportunity knocked ‘Cause January liked to take afternoon walks In the garden, holding May by the elbow He didn't trust her for a second on her own, hell no! The garden was surrounded by a wall with a locked gate He wanted privacy to exercise his prostate With May when he pleased in a grove of trees And a chain around his neck held the only key But January slept like a corpse after strolls So May copied the key in a warm wax mold When he was pa**ed out, and pa**ed it out the window To Damian, along with a note containing info On what he should do, how long he should take When he should enter the garden gate, and where he should wait And he obeyed, Damian did what he was told A guy's gotta roll with it when a woman's in control Of his fate, and the very next day January awoke with the sun on his face He couldn't see it but he knew it was a beautiful day So he said: “Let's take a walk in the garden May” She said “Okay” and dutifully walked beside him And when they pa**ed through the gate, he locked it behind them And said “Now there's no one here but you and me woman” But Damian was there, she could see him but he couldn't He was sitting in a tree according to plan And as she walked with her husband she was holding his hand And saying “Babe, I don't get it, why don't you trust me more? The way you treat me you must think I'm nothing but a who*e Always holding my arm, it's like you expect me To f** somebody different every second if you let me We made a solemn vow to be faithful to each other Through the good and the bad, and always stay together But for real, if you're with me every second it's no party And January said “Aw, May baby, I'm so sorry I wish I didn't have to watch you every second Like a chicken hawk – it's just these jealous thoughts! Ever since I lost my ability to see All I think about is other men humiliating me So I have to keep my property under lock and key And that includes you, my love, obviously I wanna set you free, but I'm afraid of human nature By keeping you with me I'm saving you from temptation And May said, “Oh well, I guess that's fair Ooh, look up in that tree, such delicious pears! Oh please let me climb up and pick some for us to eat You can guard the base of the tree if you don't trust me” And he was kinda hungry, so he held the tree's base And said “Okay, but don't tell me you never get free space” And for the sensitive folk, please forgive my bluntness But Damian just lifted up her skirts and thrust in May and Damian, sitting in a tree F-U-C-K-I-N-G Like a couple of animals, with May's jealous husband Obliviously guarding the trunk of it down below Now it's time for a sublime suspension Of disbelief, ‘cause here comes divine intervention The ancient Roman gods, Pluto and Persephone Happened to be watching from above, and commenced a heated Argument about who was in the right The jealous old husband or the adulterous wife She said “Pluto, why you gotta be so hard on us Why you swear all women are so scandalous? Just look at how he treats her; she's practically on a leash This guy deserves to get cheated on, honestly” And for his reply, Pluto quoted the poet Ovid And said “b**hes ain't sh** but hoes and tricks No wonder he's jealous, just look at this little s*ut She'd climb in a tree just like a monkey to get some nuts In fact, f** that, I'll give him his sight back And she'll get caught in the act, yeah, we'll see how she likes that And I'll give every man the gift of suspicion Like a weapon to keep an eye on their scandalous woman” And Persephone said “Fine, if you give him his sight back And make men suspicious, then I'll give women a gift to fight back If your gift to men is to make them jealous twits Then my gift to women is the gift of deceptiveness The gift of sweet words and deflection and flattery Everything they need to keep their men from reality” Isn't it strange that the gifts the gods gave Sound like the product of an evolutionary arms race So that if anyone was randomly born with an advantage In the battle of the s**es then they'd leave more descendents On average… Ah forget it, call it a divine gift And we'll go back to the story of January's blindness Which evaporated miraculously And he looked at his hands like “God damn! I can see! I can see… My wife up in a tree?!? With a man… f**ing in the canopy!?!” And May instantly climbed down While Damian crouched behind some branches to hide himself She said “Oh, thank god it worked! When I first heard about it, I thought it was the oddest cure!” “Cure?!?” he said “But you were bent over a branch With a man…” She said “No, that was an interpretive dance” “There was a man, but he's gone now, see? No man in the tree; it's just you and me And you can see, so you shouldn't be angry I just gave you back your vision, you should thank me It's a new form of alternative therapy You do an interpretive dance with a man up in a pear tree And it acts as a homeopathic cure for blindness It's based on the latest in quantum science!” “But I saw your dress pulled up to your chest” He said, “and there was thrusting and exposed flesh” And she said “Look, you know how you can't trust your sight First thing in the morning until you adjust to the light, right? Well, come on, you've been utterly blind For months; darling, you probably just have rusty eyes And besides, didn't you just say that You had visions in your head of being humiliated So how do you know that it wasn't one of those I mean, there's nothing we see that the mind doesn't control So it isn't shameful if you hallucinate But you have your vision back! Aw baby, that's super great!” And January didn't really wanna fight With his wife, and he was pretty happy for his sight So he said “Okay, baby, maybe I was wrong” And he believed it too; he wasn't just playing along And they headed home together, walking hand in hand The model relationship between woman and man