Ba** Brothers - Criminal lyrics

[Intro] A lot of people ask me stupid f**in' questions A lot of people think that what I say on a record Or what I talk about on a record That I actually do in real life or that I believe in it Or if I say that I wanna k** somebody That I'm actually gonna do it or that I believe in it Well, sh**, if you believe that, then I'll k** you You know why? ‘Cause I'm a criminal Criminal, yeah, I'm a criminal (You're goddamn right I'm a) Criminal! Yeah, I'm a criminal [Verse 1] My words are like a dagger with a jagged edge That'll stab you in the head, whether you're a f*g or lez Or a h*mos**, hermaph or a trans-a-vest Pants or dress, hate f*gs? The answer's yes h*mophobic? Nah, you're just heterophobic Staring at my jeans, watching my genitals bulgin' That's my motherf**in' balls, you'd better let go of 'em They belong in my scrotum, you'll never get hold of 'em! "Hey, it's me, Versace! Whoops, somebody shot me! And I was just checkin' the mail Get it? Checkin' the male?" How many records you expecting to sell After your second LP sends you directly to jail? Come on, relax, guy! I like gay men Right, Ken? Give me an amen! (A-men!) "Please Lord, this boy needs Jesus Heal this child, help us destroy these demons Oh, and please send me a brand new car And a prostitute while my wife's sick in the hospital" Preacher, preacher! Fifth grade teacher! You can't reach me, my mom can't neither You can't teach me a goddamn thing, ‘cause I watch TV and Comcast cable And you ain't able to stop these thoughts You can't stop me from toppin' these charts And you can't stop me from droppin' each March With a brand new CD for these f**in' retards And to think, it's just lil old me Mr. Don't-Give-a-f** still won't leave [Hook] I'm a criminal! ‘Cause every time I write a rhyme These people think it's a crime To tell 'em what's on my mind I guess I'm a criminal! But I don't got to say a word I just flip 'em the bird and keep going I don't take sh** from no one; I'm a criminal! [Verse 2] The mother did d**, hard liquor, cigarettes and speed The baby came out, disfigured ligaments, indeed It was a seed who would grow up just as crazy as she Don't dare make fun of that baby ‘cause that baby was me I'm a criminal, an animal caged who turned crazed But how the f** you supposed to grow up when you weren't raised? So as I got older and I got a lot taller My dick shrunk smaller, but my balls got larger I drink more liquor to f** you up quicker Than you'd wanna f** me up for sayin' the word ______ My morals went *Pffft* when the president got oral s** in his Oval Office on top of his desk off of his own employee Now, don't ignore me, you won't avoid me You can't miss me, I'm white Blonde-haired, and my nose is pointy I'm the bad guy who makes fun of people that die In plane crashes and laughs As long as it ain't happened to him Slim Shady, I'm as crazy as Eminem and Kim combined "The Maniac's in," in place of the Doctor ‘Cause Dre couldn't make it today He's a little under the weather, so I'm taking his place Oh, that's Dre with an AK to his face Don't make me k** him too And spray his brains all over the place I told you, Dre, you should've kept that thang put away I guess that'll teach you not to let me play with it, eh? I'm a criminal [Skit] ROBBER: Aight look, just go up in that motherf**er, get the motherf**ing money and get the f** up outta there EMINEM: Alright ROBBER: I'll be right here waiting on you EMINEM: Aight ROBBER: Yo, Em EMINEM: What?! ROBBER: Don't k** nobody this time EMINEM: Awwright… goddamn, this motherf**er gets on my f**in' nerves! {*Whistling*} How you doin'? TELLER: Hi, how can I help you? EMINEM: Yeah, I need to make a withdrawal TELLER: Okay EMINEM: Put the f**ing money in the bag, b**h, and I won't k** you! TELLER: What? Oh my God, don't k** me! EMINEM: I'm not gonna k** you, b**h, quit looking around… TELLER: Don't k** me, I've got two kids at home don't k** me! EMINEM: I said I'm not gonna f**ing k** you TELLER: Don't k** me! EMINEM: Hurry the f** up! {*Gunshot*} Thank you! Go, go, go! [Verse 3] Windows tinted on my ride when I drive in it So when I rob a bank, run out and just dive in it So I'll be disguised in it And if anybody identifies the guy in it, I hide for five minutes Come back, shoot the eyewitness Fire at the private eye hired to pry in my business Die, b**hes, ba*tards, brats, pets This puppy's lucky I didn't blast his a** yet If I ever gave a f**, I'd shave my nuts Tuck my dick in between my legs and cluck You motherf**in' chickens ain't brave enough To say the stuff I say, so just tape it shut sh**, half the sh** I say, I just make it up To make you mad so kiss my white naked a** And if it's not a rapper that I make it as I'ma be a f**in' rapist in a Jason mask [Hook] I'm a criminal! ‘Cause every time I write a rhyme These people think it's a crime To tell 'em what's on my mind I guess I'm a criminal! But I don't got to say a word I just flip 'em the bird and keep going I don't take sh** from no one, I am a criminal!