Anne Garefino - Joseph Smith, American Moses lyrics

[Verse:] And now we wish to honour you with the story of Joseph Smith The American Moses! Well this is very good, praise Christ Mormon! I'm going to take you back in time! (mormon) To the United States year 1823 (mormon) A small and odd village called oopstate New York (oopstate) There was Disease, and famine (so sick) But also in the village lived a simple farmer who would change everything His name was Joseph Smith Ha-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya Joseph Smith, American Moses! Praise be to Joseph! American prophet man AY! My name is Joseph Smith, and I'm going to f** this baby! What?! No no Joseph! Don't f** the baby! Joseph Smith, don't f** the baby! Suddenly the clouds parted And Joseph Smith was visited by GOD! Joseph Smith, do not f** a baby I'll get rid of your AIDS if you f** this frog Ha-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya Joseph Smith f**ed the frog god gave him And his AIDS went away! Then a great wizard named Moroni came down from the Starship Enterprise Joseph Smith! Your village is sh**! You should lead the villagers to a new village Take these f**ing golden plates (awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay) And on the plates were written the directions to a new land Sal Tlay Ka Siti! (Sal Tlay Ka Siti!) Joseph tried to convince all the villagers to follow him and his golden plates Liberation! Equality! No more slavery for oopstate Mormon people! I got de golden plates! (gold plates) I gunna lead the people! (we head west) We gotta stick together! (for months) We gotta help each other! (we will for months) And so we climb the mountain! (we head west) And we cross the river (we head west) And we fight the oppression! (for months) By being nice to everyone (we are Mormons) Not so fast Mormons! You shall not pa** my mountain! (Down from the mountain look who comes! The American warman, Brigham Young! YES! I am Brigham Young! I cut off my daughter's cli*oris That made god angry so he turned my nose into a clit for punishment! (Brigham Young, his nose was a cli*oris) What will you do Joseph? Will you fight the cli*oris man? Not fight him, help him! (oooohhhhhhhh) Joseph Smith took his magical f** frog and rubbed it upon Brigham Young's clit-face And behold, Brigham was cured! Joseph Smith! Magical AIDS frog! Brigham Young, frog on his clit-face! Brigham Young was so grateful, he decided to join the Mormons and their journey Compa**ion! Courtesy! Let's be really f**ing polite to everyone! I got de golden plates! (gold plates) I gunna lead the people! (we head west) We gotta stick together! (for months) Now comes the part of our story that gets a little bit sad (ohh) After travelling for so long The Mormons ran out of fresh water And became sick, with dysentery (Water go to the water, water go to the cup Cup go to the stomach, sh** come out the bu*t sh** go in the water, water go in the cup sh** go down the stomach, sh** come out the bu*t.) Oh f**! Oh no! The prophet Joseph Smith is now getting sick! (sh** go to the water, water go to the cup sh** go down the stomach, blood come out the bu*t Blood go to the water, water go in the cup Cup go to the thirsty, sh** come out the bu*t sh** blood in the stomach, sh** blood in the mouth sh** blood on the insides, water come out the bu*t.) Brigham Young, you must take the golden plates and lead the Mormons to the promise land! Desperation! Mortality! Loss of faith! Ahhhh... got the golden plates (gold plates) I gunna lead the people (we head west)? Even though their prophet had died The Mormons stuck together And helped each other And were really nice to everyone they came across And then one day, the Mormons finally found Sal Tlay Ka Siti! (Sal Tlay Ka Siti!) And then, the Mormons danced with ewoks And were greeted by Jesus! Welcome Mormons! Now, let's all have as many babies as we can And make big, Mormon families! Woohoo! f** your woman, f** your man It is all part of God's plan Mormons help God as they can Here in Salt Lake City land! Thank you! Thank you For now we are f**ing Thank you! Thank you Come god wants us f**ing Thank you! Thank you But get back to f**ing Thaaaa- Get back to f**ing! Thank you! Thank you god! (Joseph Smith f** frog. Brigham Young clit face sh** come out the bu*t. Jesus says f**, f**, Mormons!)