She's smooth as the gravel on a roadside creek bank Sweet as the flower on a knotty pine casket She's hot as the fire on the end of a cigarette Rich as a church's Wednesday night basket And there ain't no man who can get his head around it She's sharp as the blade of a mountain man's knife Sour as an apple in a homemade pie Mean as a snake in a small town zoo Ain't nobody that could ever get to her heart She's bright as the moon on a hungover morning Clean as the mouth on a welfare baby She's slick as the leather on a cowgirl's holster Quick as the tongue on a Johnny-come-lately And there ain't no man ever gonna win that lady She's pure as the water in a golf course pond Safe as a tiger with a fifty dollar bond Deep as the sole of a worn-out shoe Ain't nobody that could fall into her arms Proud as a loser in a locker room Sober as a drink of homemade wine Sturdy as a trailer in a hurricane Sweet as the smell of turpentine She's real as a movie with a happy ending Fickle as a bulb on a dashboard light Pretty as snow on Easter Sunday Silly as a girl who can't make up her mind And there ain't no man who can look her in the eye She's sad as a smile on a birthday clown Busy as a saddle in a one-horse town Straight as a picture on a blind man's wall Ain't nobody that could make her fall apart