Anderson Parker - The Run - Entry #3: "Don't Trust Nobody" lyrics

This week's entry is a continuation from last week as we hit on 5 of many different ways we configure the teams as adults. Our conclusion is that it has somehow gotten worse than what we did as kids, but today is not the day to understand why. We're better than this, right? Captain Method version 2.0: When musing about the many problems that arise out of the Captain Method, we should be shocked and appalled that it still exists on some adult courts. It is infrequent, but it remains nonetheless, a creaky old mainstay, struggling to maintain its relevance. As adults, the selection process is less formal and jarring than it was as kids. The available draftees or players are usually “practicing their jumper” or bullsh**ting about what happened in the Clippers-Warriors game the night before (“man, Blake was doin' his thang…Steph is ridiculous…yo, Iggy be ballin”), allegedly not paying attention as the captains cover their mouths with their hands and quietly mutter under their breath who they pick. The players eventually come out of their stupor and are like, “ok, who we got?” when they know exactly who they got. There is no overt joy or agony, just a listless milling about, sometimes placing themselves above or below the three-point line so that the teams are more clear to everyone. That being said, it is with confidence that I say that it does have an effect on adults, just to a milder degree. Naturally, most adults have evolved to the point of being more resilient, or at the very least, are better at hiding their emotions. However, I say most adults, because every blue moon, someone will not be able to hold back when they are disappointed with the team they end up on, and will say something to the effect of, “Oh OK, I see, you putting me with Jimmy and Dave, huh. No, I see how it is. You should never put Jimmy and Dave on the same a** team, but OK, you'll see what happens now, you'll see.” They say this loudly and boisterously, seemingly without recognition of how their comments might make Jimmy and Dave feel. The issue of who to pick, friends versus the best ballers, is also less defined in the adult Captain Method, primarily because mature adults rarely travel in packs. If a fellow baller is a friend, the relationship rarely extends beyond the court and does not carry the same rules of loyalty that exist in childhood. That is certainly not to say that the captain has it easy, but choosing the best player available is a more likely scenario as adults. The List: This rarer form of picking teams is, at face value, seemingly pragmatic – that is, people come to the court, put their names on a list, and the first five that sign up are on one team, and the second five that sign up are on the other team. One advantage of this method is that it is anonymous- you don't have to confront anyone face-to-face and speak to them at all. Players with social anxiety and a desire to avoid conflict prefer this method. Furthermore, there are no shades of gray to be worried about. Either you are playing or you are not, either you are on the first team or on the second. There should be no confusion, no room for error, and the teams should be relatively fair because it is based on the time that people get to the court and sign up, not sk** level or popularity. But even this gets complicated! I have seen players peruse the list, disapprove of who their potential teammates are, and defer putting their names down until some better ballers show up. Thus, teams can still get stacked unfairly. I have seen players put their name down “+4″ to hold 4 open spots with whoever they want when their game is up. I have seen players erase other names, put their name down, then later pretend they don't know what the f** happened. I have seen dudes not play defense on game point because they know they're going to lose and want to get in the optimal physical position to run to the list as soon as the winning basket goes in, so they can put their names down again ahead of the other losers. It is unclear to me how these particular individuals can ever show up to the same court or respect themselves again. “I Got Next”: Currently, this is the most prevalent method of choosing teams in pickup basketball. Simply put, this involves people deciding who they want to play with, asking people who are sitting around the court or warming up if they want to run with them, calling “next,” and getting five people on the team. But simple this is not. The process starts with determining who has “next.” This should be relatively easy, right? And sometimes it is – you just ask, “who got next?” and someone tells you. If that person has five players on his team already, you got next game after them. If they don't have five players, you ask them if you can run with them. A common problem is the lack of clarity of who really has the next game. This is exacerbated by the pa**ivity of those waiting to play. When you are attempting to sort out who has next, some people pretend like they don't hear you and stare, gla**y-eyed into the distance. Others mumble some incoherent response or point in some random direction and say that they think “that dude over there” has next game. Rarely does “that dude over there” actually have next, and that gets you no closer to the answer you seek. Eventually you may find the answer, but my goodness, it can be challenging. When you do ask someone if you can run on their squad, it is often unclear whether they have picked you up or not. The most recognition people will give you is a barely discernible “yup” or a slight head nod without eye contact. In the case of a dude I saw yesterday, his response was “I don't give a f**” which I suppose translates to: I don't have five on my team and you look aiight so I guess you can run with me but I have other things on my mind so I don't really want to commit for sure, and even if I didn't have other things on my mind, I don't want you to think I really care that much, but yeah, you can run. In addition, there are situations in which two (or even three) people are gathering their teams at the same time, without communicating with each other who actually has the next game, which leads to multiple fully formed teams getting on the court at the same time and arguing about who should actually be on the court. He who is loudest and most aggressive and stubborn generally wins this battle. It gets even more complicated when there are many people waiting, so that not only are you trying to sort out who has “next,” but who has “last,” as in, who has the last team waiting, which could be two, three, or even four games later. This results in a compounding of the confusion until chaos reigns. Then there is the occasional problem of there being multiple courts at a particular venue. People will call “next” on one court, others will call “next” on another court, and still others will even be so audacious as to call “next” on one court and “last” on another court, so dudes will get picked up by other players all over the place, no one can keep track of who really deserves to play next, until again…chaos. The informality of this process affords a prime opportunity to those seeking to deceive. Often, you will walk into a gym, no one else is waiting, but when the game ends, 5 dudes come running up, saying one of them was shooting on the other court, two people were in the bathroom, and two people were on the freeway but just got there before you did, and they'll say you should've asked who had the next game. “There was no one here to ask, motherf**er.” The lack of evidence of whether or not they are lying causes problems with the ensuing argument, as calling another human being a liar to their face when you have never met them before is generally not socially acceptable. Then there are “team mascot” type players who are nearly always short in stature, terrible at basketball, but somehow always able to save spots on his team for LBJ, D Wade, Melo, and Bosh even though they're not there yet, and when you ask if you can run with him, he'll say he's got five already, and when the All-Stars get there, you can't say sh** because it's LBJ, D Wade, Melo, and Bosh. More importantly, why are LBJ, D Wade, Melo, and Bosh cool with this loser? Actually, even more importantly, why do I feel like I saw LBJ playing on the team that just lost? Oh, that's right, because he was. Still other unscrupulous team managers will openly lie and say they have five even when they don't, just to avoid picking up a certain player. Again, you could call this person out for their bold-faced lie, but that's difficult to do without ample evidence. It is mind boggling how many times in my pickup basketball career all of these scenarios have happened. And…I am guilty of having used all of the above deplorable tactics on several occasions. Shoot 'em up: I'm really trying to understand the origins of this one. My guess is that it was intended to give priority to the better players who are generally the better shooters. This is how it looks: 16 guys show up at the court and whenever the Alpha is done eating his energy bar and lacing up his spotless Penny's and shooting a few warm up jumpers (why does he get to have “change” on missed warm-up shots when he showed up late, and everyone's got to wait til he's ready?), he says “alright, let's shoot ‘em up!” and you shoot free throws for the first five and the second five. It doesn't matter if a Bo Outlaw gets to the run first, that's cool, but they still shoot for first ten. So this method let's you be late and still be first to play…and we wonder why people think they're above the law; basketball and life, it's all related. Other than potentially screwing over those who are actually on time, this is seemingly a reasonable method. Except it is not at all. If the first 10 out of 16 make it, then the 6 remaining guys never even get a chance to shoot, which would be fair if they shot in order of who came to the court first, but of course that doesn't happen. The order of shooters appears to be haphazard, random, and a free-for-all, but watch carefully and you'll see it's not. There's the “Philip Rivers” of the group, always ready to shoot first, confident as hell – and probably making it. Yet again, basketball teaches a life lesson: if you don't barge your way ahead of the Philip Rivers' of the world, you're gonna miss out on all the hotties…or some version of that lesson anyway. Listen, you gotta just make your way to the front of this lineup, don't feel bad about it – the more shots you get up, the better chances you'll get to play, so it's a simple game of odds here (if you take out the sk** of shooting). Then there's always the soft spoken, Zen baller who waits…and waits…and waits until everyone has already shot it once, and sometimes even after some people have shot twice! Everyone has to beg him to shoot already and he always apathetically asks, “anyone make it?” I've always wondered about this guy…are you too cool to pay attention to who's made it or not? Would it k** you to care about how the teams are shaking out and the fact that the first five has 4 of the top 5 players on their team? Then there's the guy who's got no confidence, actually afraid that if he makes the shot that he knows he doesn't deserve to make, then people will get on him for taking away their spot. Most people do want to ball first, but relax, we won't get upset at you (although we will talk sh** on the sidelines wondering how the hell you made it, but that's all). This same guy will shoot his first air-ball or rocket launcher and then shake his head and not even attempt a shot in the second round and wave his hand and say something like “it's all good, I'll wait for the next one.” I have a message for you: there are probably as many people rooting for you to make it as there are for you to miss. The first five is dying for you to join the second five so they can increase their odds of holding court, or the rest of the players hope you make the first five, so they can miss on purpose and manage their way onto the second five. And people DO miss on purpose, by the way, A LOT. And not in an obvious, down by two points with 2 seconds left in the game and throwing your free throw hard at the rim so it clangs off with the hopes of a tip in kind of way. They try to do it sneaky and act all disappointed when it doesn't go in, but we all know. Either way, when you just give up and take next, it's messing with the sacred balance of the run's selection process. Do not mess with the flow. Instead, just go up there and give it your best shot, you'll be okay…unless you're about to make it and be on my team of course. I'm not done with this one yet, no sirree. At some courts, you will see free throws being shot for teams…that's cool, I suspect the typical pool of pickup players shoot an average of 57% on free throws meaning you should have your first ten within 2-4 minutes. But then sometimes, you walk into a run with a chip on its shoulder and you inexplicably have to shoot 3's to shoot ‘em up…wtf…like we're all Dirks and Reggies out here and free throws are too easy. That 57% goes down to about 18% and now we're talking 10 minutes minimum to pick some teams, god dammit, as we fritter away our lives before the game even starts. You'll notice here too that the run takes on the personality of its regulars, so my very educated guess is that the players have a chip on their shoulder as well…you won't have to look too close to see that one. Once you have your first 10, you'll notice the team that made the first five usually has the top shooters/players creating an imbalance of teams. If you're on the second five and politely request that you even up the teams and move around a couple pieces, brace yourself. This leads to our last method we'll be discussing … Even ‘em up: Raise your hand if this conversation has happened to you after noticing your “randomly selected” team includes a 5'5” engineer, 2 soccer players, and a guy wearing Vibram FiveFingers shoes, and you're going against a couple 6'6” guys and…who really cares whom the rest of their team consists of: You: Yo, let's even these teams up, maybe give us a big man for one our soccer players or the granola Vibram FiveFingers guy, either one. 6'6” #1: Get the f** out of here with that p**y sh**…you already lost if you thinkin like that. You should be embarra**ed, somebody sub in for this p**y. You: Umm…well, why don't we just try to make a competitive game? Why am I p**y sh** for wanting a fair run? 6'6” #2: “Let's go, ball up, this p**y don't want the rock…he scared, little b**h a**.” Wow. Actually, after writing that exchange, I want to curl up into a ball and just delete this entire blog and never play pickup again. What the hell just happened? I guess you have to know your audience before making such a monumental request. If they look like a guy you'd trust with your daughter or sister, go for it. If they look like anything other than that guy (97% of men or higher), then just shut yo mouth, prepare for the worst, and chuck jumpers all day, at least increasing your career scoring average. So, when can you even ‘em up? This rare system of choosing teams is usually reserved for people who are familiar with each other's games and names. For example, guys who go to the same school and have played with each other for years know who is a baller, who is definitely not a baller, and how to mix everyone up so that there will be a good, competitive run. The alpha male will get everyone together and basically decide who is on each team, do a little adjusting once they get the visual of what the teams are, and once satisfied, will declare that it is time to ball up. But more often than not, there's that voice inside your head that keeps reminding you, “don't trust nobody!” and you wonder what angle this guy is playing. Why the hell did he give the best two players to us? What does he know that we don't? Sometimes, however, there will be an attempt to implement this method using superficial stereotypes without a clear sense of the strengths and weaknesses of the different players. The players are often rated by the following: how many warm up jumpers they just hit in a row, how muscular they are through their Under Armour shirt, the stoicism of their facial expression with magnitude of clenched jaw, successful practice dunk attempts…or any dunk attempt really is generally impressive, appropriate baller clothes, ethnicity, air of confidence, height, lack of gut, and so on. These elements have surprisingly little to do with how good players are and how well they will fit together, and the process is more amusing than effective. We've all seen the guy who hits 5 straight threes during warm-ups and clanks the first two in the game and never recovers. Or the guy who's athletic as hell only to brick layups and travel every time on his “jump stop” or “Euro-step” move. Or the 6'8” guy who can't catch the ball or hold a rebound above his head or get up and down the court. And we've seen the reverse! The fit jogger with running shorts and low tops who hits legit jump shots time after time, even appropriately calling “gla**!” one time as soon as he releases the ball, the dude with the gut and five o'clock shadow who has perfect footwork and uses his gut to create space, or…Yao Ming. Or is it Ming Yao. When compiling all of these issues with picking teams, they accumulate and create an unnecessarily dizzying atmosphere, when all you're trying to do is get a good run in. Lord Almighty, is getting 10 solid dudes, running for an hour with mostly balanced teams, having fun, and getting a good cardio workout too much to ask??!! Yes…yes it is. Next week we're gonna shake it up and release a world premiere interview that you will not want to miss. If you haven't shared this with every baller you know yet, we're almost certain you will after next week in Entry #4: “Two Sides To Every Story”