ACT II
(Mr. Pinchwife's Lodging) (Later that morning)
(Mrs. Margery Pinchwife and Alithea.)
Mrs. Pinchwife: Pray, Sister, where are the best Fields and Woods to walk in London?
Alithea: A pretty Question, Sister! Mulberry Garden and St. James's Park, and for close walks the New Exchange.
Mrs. Pinchwife: Pray, Sister, tell me why my Husband looks so glum here in Town and keeps me up so close and will not let me go a walking nor let me wear my best Gown yesterday?
Alithea: O he's jealous, Sister.
Mrs. Pinchwife: Jealous, what's that?
Alithea: He's afraid you should love another Man.
Mrs. Pinchwife: How should he be afraid of my loving another man when he will not let me see any but himself?
Alithea: Did he not carry you yesterday to a Play?
Mrs. Pinchwife: Ay, but we sat amongst ugly People, he would not let me come near the Gentry, who sat under us, so that I could not see them. He told me none but naughty Women sat there, whom they toused and moused. But I would have ventured for all that.
Alithea: But how did you like the Play?
Mrs. Pinchwife: Indeed I was a weary of the Play, but I liked hugeously the Actors. They are the goodliest properest Men, Sister.
Alithea: O, but you must not like the Actors, Sister.
Mrs. Pinchwife: Ay, how should I help it, Sister?
Alithea: (Enter Mr. Pinchwife to them.) But here comes your Husband.
Mrs. Pinchwife: Oh my dear, dear Bud, welcome home. Why dost thou look so fropish?
Pinchwife: You‟re a Fool.
(Mrs. Pinchwife goes aside, & cries.)
Alithea: Faith, so she is for crying for no fault, poor tender Creature!
Pinchwife: What? You would have her as impudent as yourself? An errant Jilflirt, a gadder, a Magpie and a mere notorious Town-Woman?
Alithea: Brother, the honor of your Family shall sooner suffer in your Wife, there, than in me, though I take the innocent liberty of the Town.
Pinchwife: Hark you, Mistress, do not talk so before my Wife!
Alithea: Why, pray, who boasts of any intrigue with me? I keep no Company with any Women of scandalous reputations.
Pinchwife: No, you keep the Men of scandalous reputations Company.
Alithea: Where? Answer them in a Box at the Plays? In the drawing room at Whitehall? In St. James's Park? Mulberry Garden? Or---
Pinchwife: Hold, hold, do not teach my Wife where the Men are to be found. I bid you keep her in ignorance as I do.
Mrs. Pinchwife: Indeed, be not angry with her, Bud. She will tell me nothing of the Town, though I ask her a thousand times a day.
Pinchwife: Then you are very inquisitive to know, I find?
Mrs. Pinchwife: Not I indeed, Dear. I hate London. Our Placehouse in the Country is worth a thousand of it, would I were there again.
Pinchwife: So you shall, I warrant. But were you not talking of Plays and Players when I came in? You are her encourager in such discourses.
Mrs. Pinchwife: No indeed, Dear, she chid me just now for liking the Player Men.
Pinchwife: Come my poor Rogue, but thou likest none better than me?
Mrs. Pinchwife: Yes indeed, but I do. The Player Men are finer Folks.
Pinchwife: But you love none better than me?
Mrs. Pinchwife: You are mine own Dear Bud.
Pinchwife: Ay, my Dear, you must love me only and not be like the naughty Town Women who only hate their Husbands and love every Man else, love Plays, Visits, fine Coaches, fine Clothes, Fiddles, Balls, Treats, and so lead a wicked Town-life.
Mrs. Pinchwife: But, Husband, do the Town-women love the Player Men too?
Pinchwife: Ha---Mrs. Minx, ask me no more to go to a Play.
Mrs. Pinchwife: Nay, why, Love? I did not care for going; but when you forbid me, you make me as it were desire it.
Alithea: (Aside.) So 'twill be in other things, I warrant.
Mrs. Pinchwife: Pray, let me go to a Play, Dear.
Pinchwife: Hold your Peace, I will not.
Mrs. Pinchwife: Why, Love?
Pinchwife: First, you like the Actors, and the Gallants may like you.
Mrs. Pinchwife: What, a homely Country Girl? No Bud, nobody will like me.
Pinchwife: I tell you, yes they may.
Mrs. Pinchwife: No, no, you jest---I won't believe you.
Pinchwife: I tell you that one of the lewdest Fellows in Town, who saw you there, told me he was in love with you.
Mrs. Pinchwife: Indeed! Who, who, pray who was it?
Pinchwife: (Aside.) I've gone too far and slipped before I was aware.
Mrs. Pinchwife: Was it any Hampshire Gallant, any of our Neighbors?
Pinchwife: I promise you, he would but ruin you as he has done hundreds.
Mrs. Pinchwife: Ay, but if he loves me, why should he ruin me? Answer me to that. Methinks he should not. I would do him no harm.
Alithea: Hah, ha, ha.
Pinchwife: 'Tis very well. But I'll keep him from doing you any harm or me either. (Enter Lucy leading Sparkish and Harcourt.) But here comes Company. Get you in, get you in. (Exit Lucy)
Mrs. Pinchwife: But pray, Husband, is he a pretty Gentleman that loves me?
Pinchwife: In baggage, in. (Thrusts her in: shuts the door) What, all the lewd Libertines of the Town brought to my Lodging by this easy Coxcomb! S'd**h I'll not suffer it.
Sparkish: Dear little Rogue, I told you I'd bring you acquainted with all my Friends, the wits, and this is one of those, my pretty Rogue, that are to dance at your Wedding tomorrow, and him you must bid welcome ever to what you and I have.
Pinchwife: (Aside.) Monstrous!---
(Harcourt salutes her.)
Sparkish: Harcourt how dost thou like her, Faith? Nay, Dear, do not look down. I should hate to have a Wife of mine out of countenance at anything.
Pinchwife: (Aside.) Wonderful!
Sparkish: I say, Harcourt, thou hast stared upon her enough to resolve me.
Harcourt: So infinitely well that I could wish I had a Mistress, too, that might differ from her in nothing but her love and engagement to you.
Alithea: Sir, Master Sparkish has often told me that his Acquaintance were all Wits and Raillieurs, and now I find it.
Sparkish: No, by the Universe, Madam, he does not railly now. I do a**ure you, he is a man of such perfect honor, he would say nothing to a Lady he does not mean.
Pinchwife: (Aside.) Praising another Man to his Mistress!
Harcourt: Sir, you are so obliging, that---
Sparkish: Nay, I am sure you admire her extremely. I see it in your eyes.---He does admire you Madam.---By the World, don't you?
Harcourt: Yes, above the World, or the most glorious part of it, her whole Sex. And till now I never thought I should have envied any Man about to marry, but you have the best excuse for Marriage I ever knew.
Alithea: Now, Sir, I'm satisfied you are of the Society of the Wits and Raillieurs, since you cannot spare your Friend even when he is but too civil to you. But the surest sign is you are an Enemy to Marriage, for that I hear you hate as much as business or bad Wine.
Harcourt: Truly, Madam, I never was an Enemy to Marriage till now, because Marriage was never an Enemy to me before.
Alithea: But why, Sir, is Marriage an Enemy to you now? Because it robs you of your Friend here?
Harcourt: 'Tis indeed, because you marry him. I do confess heartily and openly, I wish it were in my power to break the Match, by Heavens I would.
Alithea: Would you be so unkind to me?
Sparkish: Poor Frank. No gad, 'tis only his kindness to me.
Pinchwife: (Aside.) Insensible Fop. Let a Man make love to his Wife to his face.
Sparkish: Prithee, Frank, dost think my Wife that shall be there a fine Person?
Harcourt: I could gaze upon her till I became as blind as you are.
Sparkish: As I am! how!
Harcourt: Because you are a Lover, and true Lovers are blind, stock blind.
Sparkish: True, true; but by the World, she has wit as well as beauty. Go, go with her into a corner and try if she has wit. Talk to her anything, she's bashful before me.
Alithea: Sir, you dispose of me a little before your time.---
Sparkish: Nay, nay, Madam, let me have an earnest of your obedience.
(Harcourt courts Alithea aside.)
Pinchwife: Sir, if you are not concerned for the honor of a wife, I am for that of a Sister. He shall not debauch her.
Sparkish: (Struggles with Pinchwife to keep, him from Harcourt and Alithea) Nay, you shall not disturb them. I'll vex thee, by the World.
Alithea: The writings are drawn, Sir, settlements made. „Tis too late, Sir, and past all revocation.
Harcourt: Then so is my d**h.
Alithea: I would not be unjust to him.
Harcourt: Then why to me so?
Alithea: I have no obligation to you.
Harcourt: My love.
Alithea: I had his before.
Harcourt: You never had it.
Alithea: Love proceeds from esteem. He cannot distrust my virtue, or he would not marry me.
Harcourt: Marrying you is no more sign of his love than bribing your Woman is a sign of his generosity. Marriage is rather a sign of interest than love, and he that marries a fortune covets a Mistress.
Alithea: Now you have put a scruple in my head. But in short, Sir, I must marry him, my reputation would suffer in the World else.
Harcourt: No, if you do marry him, with your pardon Madam, your reputation suffers in the World.
Alithea: Nay, now you are rude, Sir.---Mr. Sparkish, pray come hither, your Friend here is very troublesome and very loving.
Pinchwife: Do you hear that?
Sparkish: Why, do you think I'll seem to be jealous like a Country Bumpkin?
Pinchwife: No, rather be a Cuckold, like a credulous Chit. Alithea: Hold, do not rail at him, for since he is like to be my Husband, I am resolved to like him. Master Sparkish!
Sparkish: What, what, now dear Rogue, has not she wit?
Harcourt: (Speaks surlily.) Not so much as I thought and hoped she had. Alithea: Mr. Sparkish, do you bring People to rail at you?
Spar, How! No, but if he does rail at me, 'tis but in jest, I warrant.
Alithea: He spoke so scurrilously of you, I had no patience to hear him. Besides he has been making love to me.
Sparkish: Pshaw, to show his parts---we wits rail and make love often but to show our parts.
Alithea: He said you were a Wretch, below an injury.
Sparkish: Pshaw.
Alithea: A Coward.
Sparkish: Pshaw, pshaw.
Alithea: A senseless driveling Idiot.
Sparkish: How, did he disparage my parts? Nay, then my honor's concerned. I can't put up with that, Sir. (Offers to draw.) Alithea: Hold, hold. (Aside) I must not let them k** the Gentleman for his kindness to me. I am so far from hating him that I wish my Gallant had his person and understanding. (Aloud) Indeed to tell the truth, the Gentleman said that what he spoke was but out of friendship to you.
Sparkish: How! Say I am a Fool out of friendship to me?
Alithea: Yes, to try whether I was concerned enough for you, and made love to me only to be satisfied of my virtue, for your sake.
Sparkish: Nay, if it were so, my dear Rogue, I ask thee pardon. Come, Horner does not come. Harcourt, let's be gone to the new Play.---Come Madam.
Alithea: I will not go if you intend to leave me alone in the Box and run into the pit as you use to do.
Sparkish: Pshaw, I'll leave Harcourt with you in the Box to entertain you, and that's as good. If I sat in the Box, I should be thought no Judge. Come away, Harcourt, lead her down.
(Exeunt Sparkish, Harcourt, and Alithea.)
Pinchwife: Well, go thy ways, for the flower of the true Town Fops, such as spend their Estates before they come to them are Cuckolds before they‟re married. But let me go look to my own Free-hold---How---
(Enter Lucy leading my Lady Fidget, Mistress Dainty Fidget, and Mistress Squeamish. Exit Lucy.)
Lady Fidget: Your Servant, Sir, where is your Lady? We are come to wait upon her to the new Play.
Pinchwife: New Play!
Lady Fidget: And my Husband will wait upon you presently.
Pinchwife: (Aside.) Damn your civility! (Aloud) Madam, by no means, I will not see Sir Jaspar here till I have waited upon him at home, nor shall my Wife see you till she has waited upon your Ladyship at your lodgings.
Squeamish: We will not stir till we see her.
Pinchwife: (Aside.) A Pox on you all! (Goes to the door, and returns) She has locked the door and is gone abroad.
Lady Fidget: No, you have locked the door, and she's within.
Dainty: They told us below she was here.
Pinchwife: (Aside.) Will nothing do? (Aloud.) Well, it must out then. To tell you the truth, Ladies, my Wife has just now the Small Pox come out upon her. Do not be frightened, but pray, be gone Ladies, you shall not stay here in danger of your lives.
Lady Fidget: No, no, we have all had them.
Squeamish: Alack, alack.
Dainty: Come, come, we must see how it goes with her. I understand the disease.
Lady Fidget: Come.
Pinchwife: (Aside.) Well, there is no being too hard for Women at their own weapon, lying, therefore I'll quit the Field.
(Exit Pinchwife.) Squeamish: Here's an example of jealousy.
Lady Fidget: Indeed as the World goes, I wonder there are no more jealous, since Wives are so neglected.
Dainty: Pshaw, as the World goes, to what end should they be jealous?
Lady Fidget: Foh, 'tis a nasty World.
Squeamish: That Men of parts should take up with and spend fortunes in keeping little Playhouse Creatures, foh! Why, the Men never visit Women of honor and reputation as they used to do, but use us with the same indifferency and ill breeding as if we were all married to them.
Lady Fidget: They are Dogs and Horses for it.
Dainty: I suppose the crime against our honor is the same with a Man of quality as with another.
Squeamish: But then the pleasure should be the less.
Lady Fidget: Fie, fie, fie, for shame Sister, whither shall we ramble? Be continent in your discourse, or I shall hate you.
Dainty: Besides an intrigue is so much the more notorious for the man's quality.
Lady Fidget: But still my dear, dear Honor.
(Enter Lucy leading Sir Jaspar, Horner, Dorilant. Exit Lucy.)
Lady Fidget: Oh, what do you mean to bring in these upon us?
Dainty: Foh, these are as bad as Wits.
Squeamish: Foh!
Lady Fidget: Let us leave the Room.
Sir Jaspar: Stay, stay, faith to tell you the naked truth.
Lady Fidget: Fie, Sir Jaspar, do not use that word “naked.”
Sir Jaspar: Well, well, in short I have business at Whitehall and cannot go to the play with you, therefore would have you go . . .
Lady Fidget: With those two to a Play?
Sir Jaspar: No, not with the other. But with Mr. Horner there can be no more scandal to go with him than with Mr. Tattle or Master Limberham.
Lady Fidget: With that nasty Fellow! no---no.
Sir Jaspar: Nay, prithee Dear, hear me. (Whispers to Lady Fidget. Horner and Dorilant drawing near Squeamish and Dainty) Horner: Ladies.
Dainty: Stand off.
Squeamish: Do not approach us.
Dainty: You are obscenity all over.
Squeamish: And I would as soon look upon a Picture of Adam and Eve without fig leaves as you. Therefore keep off and do not make us sick.
Dorilant: What a Devil are these?
Horner: Why, these are pretenders to honor, as critics to wit.
Sir Jaspar: Come, Mr. Horner, I must desire you to go with these Ladies to the Play, Sir.
Horner: I! Sir.
Sir Jaspar: Ay, ay, come, Sir.
Horner: I must beg your pardon, Sir, and theirs. I will not be seen in Women‟s Company in public again for the World.
Sir Jaspar: Ha, ha, strange Aversion!
Squeamish: No, he's for Women‟s company in private.
Sir Jaspar: He---poor Man---he? hah, ha, ha.
Dainty: 'Tis a greater shame amongst lewd fellows to be seen in virtuous Women‟s company than for the Women to be seen with them.
Horner: Indeed, Madam, the time was I only hated virtuous Women, but now I hate the other too.
Lady Fidget: You are very obliging, Sir.
Sir Jaspar: In sober sadness he shall go.
Dorilant: I am ready to wait upon the Ladies, and I think I am the fitter Man.
Sir Jaspar: You, Sir? No, I thank you for that. Master Horner is a privileged Man amongst the virtuous Ladies, heh, he, he! He's my Wife‟s
Gallant, heh, he, he!
Dorilant: 'Tis strange a Man can't come amongst virtuous Women now but upon the same terms as Men are admitted into the great Turk‟s
Seraglio. But where is Pinchwife?
(Exit Dorilant)
Sir Jaspar: Come, come, Man! What, avoid the sweet society of Womankind? That sweet, soft, gentle, tame, noble Creature Woman, made for Man's Companion . . .
Horner: So is that soft, gentle, tame, and more noble Creature, a Spaniel, and has all their tricks. Can fawn, lie down, suffer beating, and fawn the more, barks at your Friends when they come to see you, makes your bed hard, gives you Fleas and the mange sometimes, and all the difference is the Spaniel's the more faithful Animal and fawns but upon one Master.
Squeamish: O the rude Beast.
Dainty: Insolent brute.
Lady Fidget: Brute! Stinking, mortified rotten French Wether, to dare . . .
Sir Jaspar: Hold, and it please your Ladyship. Take my advice in your anger. You know you often want one to make up your drolling pack of hombre Players, and you may cheat him easily, for he's an ill Gamester and consequently loves play.
Lady Fidget: But are you sure he loves play and has money?
Sir Jaspar: He loves play as much as you, and has money as much as I.
Lady Fidget: Then I am contented to make him pay for his scurrility. Money makes up in a measure all other wants in Men.
Sir Jaspar: (Aside.) So, so; now to mollify, to wheedle him. (Aloud.) Master Horner will you never keep civil Company? Come, come, Man, you must fall to visiting our Wives, eating at our Tables, drinking Tea with our virtuous Relations after dinner, dealing Cards to them . . .
Horner: I hope they'll afford me better employment, Sir. For your sake . . .
Sir Jaspar: Come, come, here's a Gamester for you. Let him be a little familiar sometimes. Nay, what if a little rude? Gamesters may be rude with Ladies, you know.
Lady Fidget: Yes, losing Gamesters have a privilege with Women.
Horner: I always thought the contrary.
Sir Jaspar: Heh, he, he, well, win or lose you shall have your liberty with her.
Lady Fidget: As he behaves himself, and for your sake, I'll give him admittance and freedom.
Horner: All sorts of freedom, Madam?
Sir Jaspar: Ay, ay, ay, all sorts of freedom. Wheedle her, jest with her and be better acquainted one with another.
Horner: (Aside.) I think I know her already, therefore may venture with her my secret for hers . . . (Horner, and Lady Fidget whisper.) Sir
Jaspar: Sister, Coz, I have provided an innocent Play-fellow for you there.
Dainty: Who he?
Squeamish: Foh, we'll have no such Play-fellows.
Dainty: No, Sir, you shan't choose Play-fellows for us, we thank you.
Sir Jaspar: Nay, pray hear me. (Whispering to them.) Lady Fidget: But, poor Gentleman, to cause yourself to be reported no Man? And to suffer yourself the greatest shame that could fall upon a Man that none might fall upon us Women by your conversation? But indeed, Sir, as perfectly, perfectly the same Man as before your going into France, Sir? As perfectly, perfectly, Sir?
Horner: As perfectly, perfectly, Madam. Nay, I scorn you should take my word. I desire to be tried only, Madam.
Lady Fidget: All Men of honor desire to come to the test. But indeed, generally you Men report such things of yourselves, one does not know how or whom to believe.
Horner: I have given you security already to save you harmless, my late reputation being so well known in the World, Madam.
Lady Fidget: But if upon any future falling out or upon a suspicion, if you'll give me leave to speak obscenely, you might tell, dear Sir?
Horner: If I did, nobody would believe me. The reputation of impotency is as hardly recovered again in the World as that of cowardice, dear Madam.
Lady Fidget: Nay then, as one may say, you may do your worst, dear, dear, Sir.
Sir Jaspar: Come, is your Ladyship reconciled to him yet? Have you agreed on matters? For I must be gone to Whitehall.
Lady Fidget: Why, indeed, Sir Jaspar, Master Horner is a thousand, thousand times a better Man than I thought him.
Sir Jaspar: Well, well---all the Town knows---heh, he, he! Therefore now you like him, get you gone to your business together. Go, go to your business, I say, pleasure, whilst I go to my pleasure, business.
Lady Fidget: Come then, dear Gallant. Horner: Come away, my dearest Mistress. Sir Jaspar: So, so, why 'tis as I'd have it.
(Exit Sr. Jaspar.)
Horner: And as I'd have it.
Lady Fidget: Who for his business from his Wife will run; Takes the best care to have her business done.
(Exeunt omnes)