Can I tell you who I am?
I'm Pamela Patricia, but they call me Pam
I don't like shorts or slingback shoes
My only pair of trousers are my gardening trews
I don't say who, I do say whom
I never use the toilet, just the smallest room
I don't say gay, I still say quere
I think that Mussolini had the right idea
Got engaged in '62
Got married in the April, in a nice pale blue;
It all turned sour, to say the least
I was stuck in Abagelli with a s**-crazed beast
Our wedding night, I heard a cough
There was Harold in the doorway with his 'jamas off;
Now look, I said, I must be blunt
I couldn't give a beggar's on the whole s** front
Not me, not my scene
I prefer a game of Rummy and an Ovaltine
Harold, dear, do get dressed
I've seen one in a book and I was not impressed
Once divorced, I lived alone
Then chummed up with a woman by the name of Joan
She moved in, she seemed quite nice
Wore army boots and braces, but I didn't think twice
Then one night, she seemed upset
I said, are you not happy in my maisonette?
She drained her rum and baby sham
Ran her fingers through her crewcut, said I love you Pam
I didn't faint, I didn't scream
Just carried on demolishing my custard cream
She said, won't you come upstairs with me?
I'll show you just how wonderful a love can be
I said alright, but don't be late
There's a thing by Alan Bennett on at half past eight
Well, up we go, and off she went
But the only thing that happened was my specs got bent
Not me, how I feel
I'd rather have a coffee and a wagon wheel;
Joan, dear, do get dressed
No woman over forty suits a mauve stringed vest
Then last year to beat the blues
I booked myself a cabin on a ten day cruise;
So much to do, so much to see
With a load of single women who look just like me
Then one night, I clicked like that
With a bachelor named Billy in a golfing hat
We were so happy, hand in hand
Listening to a lecture on the prostate gland
I told him s** had been no go
He took it as a challenge and we went below
We kissed and hugged without delay
He tried to take my rainhood off, I said no way
He said I bet you ten whole pounds
Pam, I bet you have an orgasm while I'm around
He got stuck in, he really tried
But I only felt a tremour down my left hand side
Not me, that's my boast
I prefer a bit of ironing and a round of toast
Bill, dear, do get dressed
But he just fell over groaning as he clutched his chest
He went:
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh...
It was that type of sound
Bill was dead, he died for me
They took him on a stretcher as I drank my tea
But as I poured another cup, I thought
I never had that orgasm... I'm ten quid up!