I pounded on a farmhouse
Lookin' for a place to stay
I was mighty, mighty tired
I had come a long, long way
I said "Hey hey in there
Is there anybody home?"
I was standin' on the steps
Feelin' most alone
When out comes a farmer
He must have thought that I was nuts
He immediately looked at me
And stuck a gun into my guts
I fell down to
My bended knees
Saying "I dig farmers
Don't shoot me, please"
He co*ked his rifle
And began to shout
"Are you that travelin' salesman
That I have heard about?"
I said "No, no, no
I'm a doctor and it's true
I'm a clean-cut kid
And I been to college too"
Then in comes his daughter
Whose name was Rita
She looked like she stepped
Out of La Dolce Vita
I immediately tried to cool it
With her dad
And told him what a nice
Pretty farm he had
He said "What do doctors know
About farms, pray tell?"
I said "I was born at the bottom
Of a wishing well"
Well, by the dirt 'neath my nails
I guess he knew I wouldn't lie
He said "I guess you're tired"
He said it kind of sly
I said "Yes, ten thousand miles
Today I drove"
He said "I got a bed for you
Underneath the stove
Just one condition
You can go to sleep right now
That you don't touch my daughter
And in the morning, milk the cows"
I was sleepin' like a rat
When I heard something jerkin'
There stood Rita
Lookin' just like Tony Perkins
She said "Would you like to take a shower?
I'll show you up to the door"
I said "Oh, no, no
I've been through this movie before"
I knew I had to split
But I did not know how
When she said
"Would you like to take that shower now?"
Well, I couldn't leave
Unless the old man chased me out
'Cause I'd already promised
That I'd milk his cows
I had to say something
To strike him very weird
So I yelled
"I like Fidel Castro and his beard"
Rita looked offended
But she got out of the way
As he came charging down the stairs
Sayin' "What's that I heard you say?"
I said, "I like Fidel Castro
I think you heard me right"
And I ducked as he swung
At me with all his might
Rita mumbled something
'Bout her mother on the hill
As his fist, it hit the icebox
He said he's going to k**
Me if I don't get out the door
In two seconds flat
"You unpatriotic
Rotten doctor Commie rat"
Well, he threw a Reader's Digest
At my head and I did run
I did a somersault
As I seen him get his gun
And crashed through the window
At a hundred miles an hour
And landed fully blast
In his garden flowers
Rita said "Come back"
And he started to load
The sun was comin' up
And I was runnin' down the road
Well, I don't figure I'll be back
There for a spell
Even though Rita moved away
And got a job at a motel
He still waits for me
Constant on the sly
He wants to turn me in
To the F.B.I
Me, I romp and stompings
Thankful as I romp
Without freedom of speech
I might be in the swamp