*An interior of Springfield Elementary School appears as it slowly zooms in. Martin completes his book report, titled' 'An Afternoon With
Ernest Hemingway: Reflections by Martin", complete with beard and fishing pole props. Ms. Krabappel
gushes in admiration. Bart slips a packet on Martin's seat. "A little ketchup for your buns, Papa?"
(*splot*) Next up is Bart*
Bart: Fellow students, prepare to be dazzled! [walks to the front of the room] Well, as Mrs. Krabappel
already mentioned, the name of the book that I read was Treasure Island. It's about these ... [describing the
book jacket] pirates. Pirates ... with patclles over their eyes ... and... shiny gold teeth ... and green birds on
their shoulders... [pause] Did I mention this book was written by a guy named Robert Lewis Stevenson?
And published by the good people at McGraw Hill. So, in conclusion, on the Simpson scale of one to ten,
ten being the highest, one being the lowest, and five being average, I give this book. .. a rune. Any
questions? [hands go up1 Nope? Then I'll just sit down.
Ms. Krabappel: Did you actually read the book?
Bart: I am insulted. Is this a book report or a witch hunt?
Ms. Krabappel: Tell the cla** the name of the pirate.
Bart (thinking out loud): Blackbeard... Captain Nemo ...
Captain Hook... Long John Silver ... Pegleg Pete ... Bluebeard ...
Bart: Bluebeard..
After cla** ...
*Bart is shown after cla** writing this sentence over and over: "I will not fake my way through life."*
Ms. KrabappeJ: Your grades have gotten steadily worse since the beginning of the term. Are you aware of that?
Bart: Yes, ma'am.
Ms. Krabappel: Are you aware that there is a major exam tomorrow on colonial America?
Bart: Yes, ma'am.
Ms. Krabappel: Blah blah, blah-blah. Blah blah blah blah blah?
Bart: Yes, ma'am.
Ms. Krabappel: Blah blah. Blah-blah blah, blah blah blah.
Bart: Yes, ma'am.
Ms. Krabappel: Bart! You haven't been paying attention to a word I said, have you.
Bart: Yes, ma'am.
Ms. Krabappel: Well, then what did I say?
Bart: Uhhhhhh... Straighten up and fly right?
Ms. Krabappel: Pah! That was a lucky guess.
Bart: Yes, ma'am.
*At the Noiseland Video Arcade, Bart plays (and loses) "Escape from Grandma's House".*
Bart: A couple more games, then I'll hit the books.
*Bart goes to the change machine and changes a $10 bill.*
*(New Scene) Bart (sipping a soda), Lisa and Maggie watch Itchy and Scratchy. The episode has a French
Revolutionary theme. Marge calIs the family to dinner. Homer rushes in before the icky skin forms on the
soup. Bart resolves, "Right after dinner, it's down to business."*
*At dinner ...*
Homer: Marge, could you get me another beer, please.
Marge: Just a second, Homer. Lisa has some good news.
Lisa: He doesn't care, Mom.
Homer: Sure I do! I just want to have a beer while I'm caring. It's like walking and chewing gum.
Marge: Lisa got an A on her vocabulary test
* Homer proudly tapes the test to the
refrigerator, among the other vocabulary tests on the door, covering a (..rude drawing labeled" Cat", drawn
by Bart. Homer decides to pick up that beer while he's there.*
Homer: I just remembered, it's Big Gorilla Week on Million Dollar Movie.
*Bart tries to go study, but Homer yanks him into the living room. Homer and Bart watch "Gorilla the Conqueror" together. The movie ends with the gorilla, in a cage, set adrift at sea.*
Homer (sobs): It's so unfair ... Just because he's different.
*Bart leaves for his room to study. He enthusiastically cracks open his history book. He tries reading, but dozes off.*
Homer: Pssst. Marge, come take a look at this.
[Bart has fallen asleep at his desk]
Marge: Oh... the little tiger tries so hard. Why does he keep failing?
Homer: Just a little dim, I guess. -- Like father, like son,
*Bart wakes up the next morning. Bart takes an open textbook on the bus and reads his history
book while boarding the bus.*
Otto: Hey, Bart-dude! Whoa, you look freaked!
Bart: Hey, Otto-man. I got a big test today I am NOT ready for. Could you please crash the bus or something?
Otto: Oh-ho, sorry, little buddy. Can't do it on purpose. But, hey! Maybe you'll get lucky!
*Bart decides to find a seat next to someone smart selects Sherry and Terry. But they see him
coming and have a surprise in store.*
Bart: Good morning, girls!
Sherry+Terry: Good morning, Bart.!
Bart: Say ... Who's up for a little cram session? I'll go first. What was the name of the Pilgrims' boat?
Sherry: The Spirit of st. Louis.
Bart: [taking notes] And where'd they land?
Terry: Sunny Acapulco.
Bart: And why'd they leave England?
Sherry: Giant rats.
Bart: Cool! History's coming alive!
Narrator: The girls giggle. Martin overhears the conversation. As Bart gets off the bus, Martin (though
he's not sure why he's doing it) warns Bart that the answers the girls gave him were wrong.
Martin: A blindfolded chimp with a pencil in his teeth has a better chance of pa**ing this test than you do.
[In cla** ...]
Ms. Krabappel: All right, cla**, take one and pa** the rest back. [hands out exams]
Bart: [to himself] Think, Simpson, think. Crisis brings out the best in you.
[Bart convulses and collapses on the floor, moaning.]
Ms. Krabappel: What is it, Bart.
Bart: [climbing back to his seat] Nothing ... Must... take ... test...[falls back to the floor]
*Bart leaves the cla**room clutching his stomach. He dances through the hallway, then resumes
his histrionics when he reaches the nurse's office. The nurse is on the floor picking up a dropped jar of
tongue depressors.*
Nune: [concerned] What's the matter, oon'?
Bart: [clutching his stomach] Sharp, stabbing pains ... in my stomach.
Nurse: Oh dear, I've heard of this ... [consults a medical reference book and opens to the page"Amoria
Phlebitis"] Do you feel a shooting pain in your arm?
Bart: [waving his arms] Both arms, ma'am.
Nurse: Temporary loss of vision?
Bart: [blindly] Huh? Who said that? Come closer ...
*In his bed, Bart finishes another bowl and rings a belL Marge comes in, and Bart asks for
another dish of double-cappuchino chocolate-fudge. Marge is pleased that Bart seems to be recovering,
since this is his third bow 1. Marge asks if there's anything else, and Bart asks for the TV set. Marge calls
downstairs to Homer (who is watching a gorilla movie)*
Marge: Bring the television up. Bart's got his vision back!" (to herself) I wish I had Amoria Phlebitis ...
Narrator: Lisa and Maggie join Bart.
Lisa: Everyone knows you're faking it, Bart.
Bart: Well, everyone better keep their mouth shut.
*Bart calls Milhouse to get the answers to the exam. At school, Bart hums through the exam.*
Ms. Krabappel grades it on the spot.
Ms. Krabappel: This test is worse than Milhouse's exam' This is the final straw.
*Homer and Marge join Bart in the cla**room.*
Ms. Krabappel: Ms. K: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, I think you know our district psychiatrist, Dr. J. Loren Pryor.
Homer: Dr. J.
Dr. J: [ahemJ I think we have on our hands here a cla**ic case of what laymen refer to as fear of failure.
As a result Bart is an underachiever and yet he seems to be ... How shall I put this ... proud of it?
Homer: Hmmm.
Dr. J: One of his problems may be his short attention span which can lead to blah blah blah blah ...
Homer: Uh-huh.
Dr. J: Blah blah blah, blah blah blah ...
Homer: Mmmm...
Ms. Krabappel: Unlike the other students in the cla**, Bart has not shown any improvement over the
semester. Indeed, his grades have gotten worse.
Bart: Okay, okay! Why are we dancing around the obvious? I know it, you know it. I am dumb, okay? Dumb as a post! Think I'm happy about it?"
*Dr. Pryor reluctantly recommends that Bart be held back. Bart protests, but Marge suggests it
might not be so bad. Bart cont.inues bjs protests.*
Bart: Look at my eyes! See the sincerity? See the conviction? See the fear? As God as my witness, I can pa** the fourth grade!
Homer: And if you don't, at least you'll be bigger than the other kids.
*Cut to Otto dropping off the kids to school*
Otto: Get off the bus or forever hold your peace, little dudes!
Bart: Otto, you know I respect you. I mean, you always let us throw stuff at cars and try to tip the bus on
sharp turns.
Otto: Heh, damn thing nevers goes over, does it? [unintelligible' ga-hah' noise] So what's in your head, little man?
Bart: Well, I've been failing a lot of tests recently.
Otto: Yeah huh ...
Bart: And, now they're talking about holding me back in the fourth grade if I don't shape up.
Otto: That's it? Hey, relax, man! It could end up being the best thing that ever happened to ya. I got held back in the fourth grade myself, twice! Look at me, man! Now I drive the school bus!
*Bart trudges into school. In cla**, the phrase" repeat the fourth grade" echos through Bart's
head as he slips into a daydream. An elderly Ms. Krabappel asks an adult Bart*
Ms. Krabappel: What was the pirate's name in Treasure Island?"
Bart: Look, lady. I got a peptic ulcer, my wife's hocking me for a new car, and I need a root can*l WiUya
quit bug gin' me about the stupid pirate!"
*Bart, Jr. whispers the answer to his father, but Ms. Krabappel catches him and asks to see them
both after cla**. Bart wakes up when a baseball bounces off his forehead. The ball rolls
over near Martin, who is seated under a tree reading. When Martin throws the ball like a girl, the other
kids laugh. Martin returns to the forecastle of the Pequod. Bart gets an idea. He asks Martin to help him
pa**.*
Bart: I can make it so the other kids don't laugh at you so much.
Martin: They... laugh at me? I've always considered myself rather popular.
Bart: You're not. Watch. £pushes Martin down, crowd laughs
Martin: But... but my speed with numbers ... [Bart helps Martin to his feet] my years of service as a hall
monitor, my prize-winning dioramas? These things mean nothing to them?
Bart: Perhaps another demonstration. [pushes him down again, more laughs. Martin gets the point.] Then
it's Adil?" [Martin agrees.]
*First order of business is to inspect Bart's study area. Bart shows Martin to his room.*
Bart: There's a desk under that junk over there."
*Martin says the room must be cleaned, and some ferns added.*
Martin: No study area is complete without adequate plant life.
*Bart and Martin get on the school bus. Martin starts to take a seat at the front of the bus*
Bart: No!
Martin: No?
Bart: Only geeks sit in the front seat. From now on, you sit in the back row. And that's not just on the
bus, it goes for school and church, too.
Martin: Why?
Bart: (mezzo voce] So no one can see what you're doing!
Martin: Ooooh.. I think I understand ... [grabs pencil, starts writing1 the potential for mischief varies
inversely with one's proximity to the authority figure! [Shows his equation to Bart]
Bart: Well, yeah, but don't say it like that...
* Scene summaries: Bart pops a wheelie on his bicycle. He then removes the basket from
Martin's bicycle, and Martin rides out of frame. (*crash*) Martin adds a fern to Bart's shiny-clean room.
Bart teaches Martin how to shoot a slingshot, but the rubber band snaps back in Martin's face. Martin and
Bart sit under a tree, reading a comic book and a history book, respectively. Inside Bart's book is a comic
book; inside Martin's comic book is a textbook. Each looks at the other's book.
Bart finishes a "Duh!"\ graffito and hands the spray can to Martin.
Martin produces an elegant mural of Ms. Krabappel at her desk. Bart slaps his forehead. Bart teaches
Martin how to make funny faces. Martin watches while Bart reads a book, highlighter pen in hand.
Milhouse, Lewis, Richard, Bart and Martin stop for breath after pulling some unseen prank.*
Martin: Who would have ever thought that pushing a boy into the girl's lavatory could be such a thrill! The screams! The humiliation! The fact that it wasn't me!
*Bart reminds Martin about the history test, but Martin is too busy having fun.*
Martin: Life's too short for tests!"
*Martin leads the other boys (except for Bart) to tile arcade. In his room, Bart doodles in his
textbook. Marge pops in and reminds Bart that it's past his bedtime. Bart reluctantly closes the book.*
Bart: This is hopeless.
Bart: [praying] Well, old timer, 1 guess this is the end of the road. 1 know 1 haven't always been a good
kid, but, if 1 have to go to school tomorrow, I'll fail the test and be held back. 1 just need one more day to
study, Lord. 1 need Your help!
Lisa: [watching] Prayer... the last refuge of a scoundrel.
Bart: A teachers strike, a power failure, a blizzard ... Anything that'll cancel school tomorrow. 1 know it's
asking a lot, but if anyone can do it, You can! Thanking You in advance, Your pal, Bart Simpson.
Narrator: Bart turns off the light. Outside, snow begins to fall. A chorus sings
"Hallelujah!"
*Cut to Bart sleeping in bed. Marge wakes Bart, who dreads the day. But Marge shows him the snow outside, and Bart
yells, "Good morning, world!" He takes the banister express downstairs and joins the rest of the family
listening intently to the radio. Homer celebrates the closing of the nuclear power plant. Next, the school
closings. And yes, Springfield County schools are closed. Kids rush out of their houses to enjoy the snow,
followed futility by their respective mothers being motherly.*
Bart: [running towards door with sled; gogges on head] Cowabunga!
Marge: Remember to take a break if your arms go numb!
Bart: [rushes for the front door. Lisa's ominous shadow blocks the way 1 Hey!
Lisa: 1 heard you last night, Bart. You prayed for this. Now your prayers have been answered. I'm no
theologian; 1 don't know who or what God is exactly, all 1 know is He's a force more powerful than Mom
and Dad put together, and you owe Him big. [shuts the door}
Bart: You're right. [removes goggles, hands them to Lisa] 1 asked for a miracle, and 1 got it. 1 gotta study,
man! [goes upstairs to his room] I'm not missing anything ... frozen earlobes, trudging up that stupid sledhill
over and over again ... How good could it be? [looks out window ...]
*Outside, kids have a snowball fight. Milhouse takes a ride on a sled. Kids build a snow fort.
Marge takes the girls out ice skating. Also on the ice are Ms. Krabappel and Principal Skinner, playing
hockey. Says Ms. K, "I haven't had this much fun in years!" Monty Bums walks past in period clothes,
and a stray snowball knocks off his top hat. Homer chuckles from behind a wall. Monty is a good sport
about it.*
Burns: 1 was never one to back away from a snowball fight! Smithers, you may fire at will!
Smitbers: Certainly, sir.
*Smithers pegs Homer in the noggin. A band plays. Diamond Joe Quimby speaks.*
Quimby: I hereby declare this day to be Snow Day, the funnest day in the history of Springfield! People hold hands and sing carols.
*Bart peels his face away from the window and goes into the basement. He reads about the First Continental Congress. Bart envisions himself seated among the delegates.*
Jefferson: We hold these truths to be self-evident...
Bart: [to himself] We hold these truths to be self-evident... We hold these truths to be self-evident...
Jefferson: That all men are created equal.
Bart: [to himselfJ That all men are created equal. ..
Jefferson: And from that equal creation they derive rights inherentand inalienable ...
Delegate: [glances out the window, points] Hey, look, everybody! It's snowing I
Jefferson: In the middle of July?
Hamilton: It's a miracle!
Ben Franklin: [comes in, shakes snow off his wig] Fellas, I've invented something fun! The sled! [all the delegates (except Bart) rush outside to play]
Delegate: [outside] Hey, look everybody! John Hanco*k's writing his name in the snow!
*Bart shuts the textbook in horror. He stares at his chewed pencil.*
Bart: You warma be held back a grade? Concentrate, man.!
*Bart, slaps himself, trying to study . Through the cellar window, the rest of the family watch Bart slap himself. ("'slap"') Bart slaps himself in cla** after the exam is over. Martin calmly turns in his test, dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and wearing shades. Bart answers the final few questions as Ms. Krabappel asks him to tum in his exam. She pulls out' Old Red' and grades the exam as Bart watches sadly, cringing at every X-mark. Bart got a 59, another F. Bart can't believe it. Neither can Ms. Krabappel. Ms. Krabappel: Another year together. Ugh, it's going to be hell.' Bart stares at his exam and cries. Ms. Krabappel doesn't understand.*
Ms. Krabappel: I figure you'd be used to failing by now.
*Bart explains that he really tried this time, but it was no use. Ms. Krabappel tries to rea**ure him.*
Ms. Krabappel: Well, a 59 is a high F ...
Bart: Now I know how George Washington felt when he surrendered Fort Necessity to the French in 17541
*Ms. Krabappel is shocked. She looks up the reference*
Ms. Krabappel: My God, Bart, you're right!
*She rewards him with an extra point on his exam, bringing him up to a D-*
Bart: 1... pa**ed?
Ms. Krabappel: Just barely!
Bart: Gasp! I pa**ed! I got a D-! I pa**ed! [crying tears of joy] All right! [kisses Ms, Krabappel and
dances out of the cla**room] I pa**ed, I pa**ed, I pa**ed, I pa**ed! I got a D-t I pa**ed! [showing off his
exam to anyone and everyone] I got aD-! I pa**ed! I got a D-! I pa**ed! I pa**ed! L '., ... kissed the
teacher! Yuck! Ptuut Ick!
*Homer tapes Bart's test on the refrigerator.*
Homer: We're proud of you, boy!
Bart: Thanks Dad. But part of this D minus belongs to God .. ,