[Intro]
Yo, mic-check
Testing, one, two… f**
My dick…my nuts…
[Verse 1]
My attitude is worse than N.W.A's was
I'll battle you over stupid sh**
And diss people who ain't have sh** to do with it
Like Cool J does (my tattoo!)
You see me standing outside of your building
Screaming, "Puffy is good, but Slim Shady is for the children!"
I look at my life in a new light
f** it, give me two mics
I write songs for me, f** what you like
You probably hear me rap half-hearted
‘Cause I don't like rap anyway
I'm just tryin' to get my p**no career started
Every place and event – been there, done that
sh**, Dre stuck me in a suitcase when he went
Want a deal? Study these five chapters
Lesson 1: Throw demos as hard as you can at signed rappers
Lesson 2: Face 'em and diss 'em
Don't give em a demo; kidnap 'em
And make 'em come to your basement and listen
Lesson 3: Get a job at a label
Switch demos with Canibus
And put yours on the owner's table
Lesson 4: Know you heard this before
"Hey, let me get your number! I'll call you tomorrow, for sure"
Don't act like a fan, you wanna get signed
Get the whitest A&R you can find
Pull him aside and rap as whack as you can
Lesson 5: Get a hook-up at Jive
Dress up like I.C.P. and have them come see you perform live
And that's the key, but when you see me on the street
I ain't giving you sh**, b**h, don't even bother asking me
Toilet water splashes me
Right in the a** when I'm spitting, ‘cause I'm always sh**ting when I'm rapping like Master P (UNNNGGGGH)
Got a bl**job from Paula Jones
And stuffed it so far in her mouth
My balls broke both of her collarbones
Told Mya this sh** was all about me-ah
Gave Alyssa Milano syphilis, mono and gonorrhea
And all three of my main girls said "See ya!"
‘Cause Brandy and Monica walked in
And caught me f**ing Aaliyah
I splish-splash while I'm takin' a bath
Grab a handful of pills, break 'em in half, take 'em and laugh
White trash, f**ing your wife in the a**, while you're out siphoning gas for your lawn mower to cut the gra**
[Hook]
So if I hurt your self-esteem and you get dissed too bad
You know I just be saying that to get you mad
And when I rap about a buncha sh** you wished you had
You know I just be saying that to get you mad
I can't listen to that song, that sh**'s too sad
You know I just be saying that to get you mad
He'll never make it, his wrist is slit too bad
You know I just be saying that to get you mad
[Verse 2]
What a wonderful day, I should go outside and play
Ain't no need to sit inside the house and hibernate
Hi, Renée! I was just about to toss a live grenade
In your driveway and drive away
Are you afraid of a blade made of a razor with AIDS?
Blood drippin' from it
Rippin' your stomach like a paper mâché
You talk a lot of sh**, but you was never ill though
I'm sick enough to beat you to d**h with a feather pillow
Tipped over some cows, just for a joke and a laugh
Jumped up, choked a giraffe
Snapped his neck and broke it in half
Waging wars, went on stage
And sprayed Cage with Agent Orange
And wiped my a** with his page in Source
The demon is here, steamin' this year
I rip [Mystikal's] voice box out and scream in his ear
It's not a gimmick, b**h; it's an image, I live it
Give a f**? I don't know what a f** is to give it
"Yeah, I don't think this guy is well" – I'm high as hell
I'll beat you with a live cat when I'm swinging him by his tail
I'll f**ing… I'll f**ing… lay your nuts on the dresser
Just your nutsack by itself
And bang them sh**s with a spiked bat
Cut your neck off and sew your head right back
And leave you like that
You just triggered a prick who just mixed liquor
Who's itching to leave you disfigured
And stiffer than Chris-stiff-er Reeves
I was teething with strep throat
While your mother was breastfeeding
And gave her the flesh-eating disease
I'm iller than taking a hammer and beating your knees
And walking through South Central L.A., bleeding in jeans
(Am I a Blood or a Crip?)
Waking up the next day in breathing machines
Flashing back to being shot and repeating the scenes
On how you just got smoked
And if you do live
You'll be too scared to tell it, like a Biggie and Pac joke
[Hook]