There ain't nothin' to do in my home town
So I grab my remote and I plant myself down
s**in' down cheese balls by the pound
Gonna watch TV till my brain melts down
I got no wife and I got no life
But I got my remote so I'm set for the night
Never shower so I smell like rotten eggs
Cobwebs growin' out the side of my legs
Cause I haven't gotten up in sixteen years
Missin' a show is one of my worst fears
My father wants to know what kind of d** I'm on
I don't get up to eat or even go to the john
Even if I wanted to I doubt I could
Because my legs feel like they're made of petrified wood
Here in the same place in the same slouch
My bu*t is fused to the cushion of the couch
Dropped out of school in the second grade
Got a ten foot screen, got a gla** of lemonade
Got a jar next to me for when I have to pee
This is the way life was meant to be
There ain't nothin' to do in my home town
So I grab my remote and I plant myself down
s**in' down cheese balls by the pound
Gonna watch TV till my brain melts down
Rats and roaches run around the room
I forgot what it's like to be in any other room
I stare at the tube and I never make a sound
Cause the TV set never lets me down
Talk shows, talk shows, all day long
With stuff like this, how can I go wrong?
Like cross dressin' Nazis who live on Gummy bears
And Elvis impersonators singing in their underwear
Games, game shows all day and night
I live for shows like The Price Is Right
I'm still waitin' to see Bob Barker cringe
When a fat woman pulls the big wheel off the hinge
Wait, what's happening, this has to be a joke
Oh, God, no, please, my remote is broke
These are brand new batteries I can't believe they blew
Now what the hell am I supposed to do?
There ain't nothin' to do in my home town
So I grab my rerote* and I plant myself down
s**in' down cheese balls by the pound
Gonna watch TV till my brain melts down
[*rerote, n. (re-ROTE): 1.how a person says "remote"
After years of sitting in front of a television
Due to the brain damage caused by doing so.]