I've travelled this old world of ours from Barnsley to Peru,
I've had sunshine in the arctic and a swim in Tinbuktu,
I've seen unicorns in Burma and a Yetti in Nepal,
And I've danced with ten foot pygmies in a Montezuma hall,
I've met the King of China and a working Yorkshire miner -
But I've never met a nice South African!
No he's never met a nice South African,
And that's not bloody surprising man!
'Cause we're a bunch of arrogant b***tards,
Who hate black people!
I once got served in Woolies aften less than four week's wait,
I had lunch with Rowan Atkinson when he paid and wasn't late,
I know a public swimming bath where they don't piss in the pool,
I know a guy who got a job straight after leaving school,
I've met a normal merman, and a fairly modest German -
But I've never met a nice South African!
No he's never met a nice South African,
And that's not bloody surprising man!
'Cause we're a bunch of talentless murderers,
Who smell like baboons.
I've had a close encounter of the twenty-second kind,
That's when an alien spaceship disappears up your behind,
I got directory enquiries after less than forty rings,
I've even heard a decent song by Paul McCartney's Wings,
I've seen a flying pig, in a quite convincing wig,
But I've never met a nice South African!
No he's never met a nice South African,
And that's not bloody surprising man!
'Cause we're a bunch of ignorant loudmouths,
With no sense of humour.
I've met the Loch Ness monster and he looks like Fred Astaire,
At the BBC in London he's the chief commissionaire,
I know a place in Glasgow which is rife with daffodillies,
I met a man in Katmandu who claimed to have two willies,
I've had a nice pot noodle, but I've never had a poodle -
And I've never met a nice South African.
No he's never met a nice South African,
And that's not bloody surprising man,
Because we've never met one either!
Except for Breyten Breytenbach, and he's emigrated to Paris. (farts)
Yes he's quite a nice South African,
And he's hardly ever k**ed anyone,
And he's not smelly at all.
That's why we put him prison!