Fanks! Fanks for this lovely award and accompanying bag. John, that's really kind of you to be sincere and sweet, particularly in this context. Cause this is not designed for sincerity, this environment, you realize. We will struggle if we bring sincerity into the situation.
Thank you for the Oracle award, which sounds like to me something that's been recently made up. “f**, just ‘Oracle Award'? Will you come?” When I was a kid it was a type of teletext: Oracle and Ceefax, and they were reliable sources of information, so I'm very grateful to be considered in the same vein as that pixelated news source.
Also, glad to grace the stage where Boris Johnson had just made light of the use of chemical weapons in Syria, meaning that GQ can now stand for “Genocide Quips.”
I mentioned that only to make this next comment a bit lighter, because if any of you know a little bit about history and fashion will know that Hugo Boss made the uniforms for the Nazis. And the Nazis did have flaws, but they did look f**ing fantastic, let's face it, while they were k**ing people on the basis of their religion and s**uality.
Genocide quips are OK. No, it's OK. [Points at Boris Johnson] It's already been sanctioned, it's all cool. The fellow who does our trains says it's cool.
They literally all do go to school together: Ed Milliband, no f**ing difference. Wicked. Might as well vote for one cla** of really, really rich people. Oh, Rob! Rob, you're getting paid enough money to take it seriously? Oh f**. I'm so sorry!
I am actually grateful to get any award, particularly because...I used to just get awards for shagging people and that, from The Sun. And I was extremely grateful for them. As I am for this. Whether it be for the lower hip activity or the more cerebral activity of writing, I'm very grateful to get this thing.
[...]
It's my job to make jokes about fings. So Hugo Boss, like, it's fair enough. Like, he might not've known. “WE'RE SELLING A LOT OF THESE fu*kING ... THEY'RE FLYING OFF THE SHELVES! We had a lot of clients in the 30s and 40s, I can't remember all of them.” Did you make a lot of elasticated crotches, Hugo? [Does Nazi goose step] Ring any bells?!