Every man has a secret p**n collection
Beneath the mattress, in the basement, or in the shed
An indecent aggregation
To aid with our stimulation
After everybody else has gone to bed
An encyclopedic media selection
Pictures, magazines, flip-books and DVDs
A corn-u-copia of data
Both in VHS and Beta
It's a wonderland of surreptitious sleaze
It may lurk on the computer
In an inconspicuously-named directory
I bet even Catholic priests
Sequester some in the recesses of their rectory
There's a potpourri for every predilection
Girl on girl, man on man, or dog on fish
Every cla** of animalia
Juxtaposing genitalia
To help us scratch our every evil itch
Yes, every man has a secret p**n collection
And my lady friends, as vices go, there's worse
So let us keep our smut clandestine
And we won't ask any questions
About the "neck ma**ager" you keep in your purse
Keep…in…your…purse! (Bzzzzzzzz…)