[Title Card: A Netflix Original series]
[♪ “I'll Take You There” by The Staple Singers]
[Montage: Scenes change when Piper Chapman starts a new sentence; Each scene represents a different part in her life where she was taking a bath or shower]
PIPER [Voice-over]: I've always loved getting clean. I love baths. I love showers. It's my happy place.
[Scene: Piper is showering in the Women's prison bathroom]
*Buzzer goes off* Was my happy place.
[Taystee enters the bathroom, scratching her head]
MAN OVER PA: All inmates in D dorm must be checked for lice. Repeat. All inmates in D dorm must be checked for lice.
TAYSTEE [To Piper]: *clears throat*
PIPER: Oh. I'll be out in a sec. I swear.
TAYSTEE: Mmm-hmm. I'll wait. There best be some hot water left.
PIPER: There wasn't very much when I started.
TAYSTEE: Mmm-hmm. *knocks on shower curtain* Man, hurry!
PIPER: *turning off shower* All right, okay, okay. *exits shower* I'm done. I'm out. I'm totally out.
TAYSTEE: *pulls off Piper's towel* Damn, you got, some nice titties. *laughs*
PIPER: Oh, thank you.
TAYSTEE: You got them TV titties. They stand up on their own, all perky and everything. *laughs*
PIPER: Okay.
TAYSTEE: *looks down at Piper's makeshift flip flops* You know they sell flip-flops at the commissary.
PIPER: My money's not in yet, so.
TAYSTEE: You creative. I give you that, high-tits. *pulls away Piper's towel again and laughs* Now get the f** out of the way.
PIPER: Okay.
[Piper begins to walk to the other side of the bathroom, but pauses to briefly open up her towel and check out her breasts. Smiling, she walks off.]
TAYSTEE: *in the shower, singing “I'll Take You There”* I know a place, good God. Hey! Ain't nobody cryin'. Ain't nobody worryin'.
[Opening Credits: ♪ Regina Spektor - You've Got Time]
[Scene: A few days ago, Piper, her fiance Larry, her pregnant best friend Polly, and Polly's husband Pete are having a going away party for Piper. Pete and Larry walk in and stand in front of a pig-roasting box labeled: “La Caja China”]
PETE: So there's an entire pig in there.
LARRY: Yes.
PETE: For four of us.
LARRY: It's a small pig. I really wanted to use the box. It was my birthday present. *looks at Piper, who's sitting at a nearby table with Polly* She's guilty she's leaving. It's a guilt pig roasting box.
PETE: At least you get something. I'm not getting laid for a year too. But what do I get?
LARRY: A baby?
PETE: You can't eat it.
LARRY: *chuckles*
[At a nearby table, Polly and Piper are both watching Larry and Pete carry the roasted pig]
POLLY: Are we really gonna eat that?
PIPER: *shrugs* It's thematic.
POLLY: You're not serving time in Cuba.
PIPER: Pigs. Cops. *looks at Polly*
POLLY: How the f** are you going to jail tomorrow?
PIPER: Prison. Not jail.
POLLY: You're missing my shower.
PIPER: Polly, I'm really sorry.
POLLY: I know.
[Piper nods]
POLLY: You focus on how you're going to maintain your eyebrows behind bars. You may not come back with a unibrow. *pauses* Am I allowed to cry?
PIPER: No. Seriously, no.
POLLY: *sighs*
LARRY: Okay. We are ready. Everybody inside.
PIPER [To Polly]: Need a hoist?
POLLY: Yeah.
PIPER: *quietly* Big Girl.
[Polly chuckles while Piper helps her up]
PIPER: On to the last supper.
[Scene: Later that night, Piper and Larry are in their bed]
PIPER: *breathes in* We gotta do it.
LARRY: I know. *sighs* God, We really should not have eaten so much.
PIPER: I know. Come on, we gotta rally.
LARRY: Okay.
PIPER: Make some memories. You know?
LARRY: Yeah.
PIPER: We need some spank-bank material.
LARRY: Oh, well, I mean, when you say it like that.
PIPER: Mmm
[They kiss and get ready to engage in s**ual activity]
PIPER: Wait, I got…
LARRY: What?
PIPER: I gotta pee.
LARRY: What? No.
PIPER: Yeah.
LARRY: Really?
PIPER: I just...
LARRY: Oh.
PIPER: I'll be...I'll be right back. *gets up to go to the bathroom*
LARRY: Ugh. *door creaks* *looks at Piper* Hey.
PIPER: *comes back to the door* Yeah?
LARRY: You look beautiful.
PIPER: Thanks.
LARRY: *sighs* Ugh. *grunts* *starts fanning himself* *sniffs* Oh. sh**
[Scene: In the bathroom, Piper is sitting on the toilet, crying. After a while, she wipes her face and grabs another tissue to wipe herself before flushing the toilet. When she comes out of the bathroom, she stares at Larry]
LARRY: What?
PIPER: You look beautiful too.
LARRY: *clears throat* Come on. Get in.
[Piper walks to the bed with her head down, looking sad. She climbs in the bed and starts to kiss Larry while crying]
LARRY: Hey. You're crying.
PIPER: Shh. Just f** me.
LARRY: Piper.
PIPER: Shut up. Please. Please.
LARRY: Okay.
[Piper and Larry start to kiss again. Larry climbs on top of her]
[Scene: The next morning, Larry's car is coming around a bend and turning left into the Federal Correctional Institution in Litchfield, New York. Piper and Larry stare at the building and begin to hold hands, as they drive closer to it. The car's brakes screech as they come to a stop after Officer Donaldson pulls up beside them]
OFFICER DONALDSON: No visiting today.
PIPER: *leans forward* Hi, um, I'm here to surrender.
OFFICER DONALDSON: Oh, okay then.*drives off*
PIPER: Did he look surprised to you? When I said I was here to surrender? Didn't he look surprised? Like “What the hell is she doing here?”
LARRY: I-I didn't notice.
PIPER: Well he looked surprised to me. *pulls down sun visor and looks in mirror* I look like sh**. My eyes are all puffy.
LARRY: You're worried about how you look?
PIPER: Well there going to know I was crying. It's a sign of weakness. Can't show any weakness. That's what all of the books said.
LARRY: Oh, sweetie…
PIPER: Don't call me sweetie.
LARRY: Oh, Leonard.
PIPER: That's better. *takes off wedding ring* Can't take it with me.
LARRY: *takes the ring* Oh. Oh, okay. Right. *puts ring in his coat pocket*
PIPER: What are you doing?
LARRY: What?
PIPER: What are y-You can't put that in your pocket. It's going to end up at the bottom of the washing machine.
LARRY: Okay. Um...Wh-where would you like me to put it then, Piper?
PIPER: Up your a**.
LARRY: There's no room. Apparently, my head's already up there.
PIPER: *covers face* I'm sorry.
LARRY: *puts hand behind Piper's head* It's okay. *inhales, then digs in pocket to grab wallet* You know what? I'm gonna put it in my wallet. Okay?
PIPER: Mm-hm.
LARRY: And when I get home I will put it in your j**elry box. Until I'm short on rent, then I may hock it. But I'll try to get it back before you're out.
[They begin to hold hands]
PIPER: We should go.
LARRY: Okay.
[Piper inhales and exhales as they both leave the car. Inside the prison, Correctional Officer Maxwell checks Piper in]
OFFICER MAXWELL [On the phone]: Self surrender. Yeah, well, no one told me either. Got the paperwork right here. Name is Chapman.Yeah. Chap, like when your lips get all dry and they're chapped. [To Piper and Larry] Have a seat. [On the phone] Piper. Rhymes with sniper.
MAN OVER PA: Inmate Robinson to the visitor area.
[Piper and Larry are sitting in a few seats nearby the check-in window]
LARRY: *sighs* You hungry?
PIPER: Not really.
LARRY: Eat anyway. It's Burrata.
PIPER: Aw. Thank you.
[Food wrapper crinkles as they get ready to eat]
PIPER: My mother told her friends I'm doing volunteer work in Africa.
LARRY: *chuckles* I bet they're all appalled you've gone somewhere so filthy and dangerous.
[Flashback: Piper and Larry are telling her family that she is going to prison.]
PIPER: So I never carried d**. Just...money.
CAROL You were a lesbian?
PIPER: *nods* At the time.
CAL: You still a lesbian?
PIPER: No, I'm not still a lesbian.
LARRY: You sure?
CELESTE [To Cal]: I once kissed Mary Straily when I was at Miss Porter's school. But it wasn't for me.
CAL: Wow.
BILL [To Larry]: Did you know about all this?
LARRY: No. No, no, I didn't. *clears throat* I mean, she told me how she traveled after college, but she failed to mention the lesbian lover who ran an international drug smuggling ring. Imagine my surprise.
CELESTE [To Piper]: What on Earth did you do with the money?
PIPER: Well, Grandmother, I wasn't really in it for the money.
CELESTE: Oh, Piper, for heaven's sake.
CAL: *chuckles*
[End of Flashback. Present time, inside the prison]
PIPER: *looking at phone* So this is my last post as a free woman.
LARRY: Whatcha gonna write?
OFFICER MAXWELL [To Piper and Larry]: Hey! Uh-uh. Oh no. You cannot have a phone in here. This is a federal facility. You have to take that out.
PIPER: Oh, can I? *points outside and nods* Am I allowed to go out?
OFFICER MAXWELL: He can take it out.
PIPER: *points to phone and shakes head* So no? No phone.
LARRY: You knew that.
OFFICER MAXWELL: Now.
PIPER: Oh, my God, Larry, by the time I get out there'll have been, like, three new generations of iPhones.
OFFICER MAXWELL: Sir, I can get an officer to escort you out.
LARRY: No, I'm going. It's okay, I-I'm going, okay? Hey, I'll be right back, okay? I'll take the phone to the car, I'll be right back. Okay? Two seconds. Yeah?
PIPER: Okay.
LARRY: *kisses Piper* Two seconds.
[Door slams]
OFFICER BELL: Chapman.
PIPER: Yes? *stands up* Yes, that's me. Uh. But you have to wait.
OFFICER BELL: You're telling me what I have to do? Get your a** over here, Chapman, now. Move it.
PIPER: He's, he's gonna be right back. We've been waiting here for two hours.
OFFICER BELL: And the wait is over. Here's your temporary ID, you'll stick this on your uniform when we get to that. Now -
LARRY: *interrupts* Here. I'm here. Here I am.
PIPER: Here he is.
OFFICER BELL: Who's this?
PIPER: My fiancé.
OFFICER BELL: Yeah? Good luck with that.
PIPER: Excuse me?
OFFICER BELL: Any personal items?
PIPER: Here. *hands Officer Bell a Manilla folder*
OFFICER BELL: You can't take this check. *hands Piper the check*
PIPER: But we called last week and they told me to bring it.
OFFICER BELL: *looks at Larry* He has to send it to Iowa. It takes a few weeks to process.
LARRY: A few weeks? Doesn't she need to buy things?
OFFICER BELL: How it is.
PIPER: Where do we send it?
OFFICER BELL [To Officer Maxwell, who's off camera]: Hey, you got that Iowa address? [To Piper] Any Nudie Judies in here skin picks. Naughty stuff.
PIPER: No. No Nudie Judies.
OFFICER BELL: Time to say goodbye. It might be a while before you can visit, fiancé.
[Piper and Larry begin to hug]
PIPER: I love you so much.
LARRY: I love you, too!
PIPER: I'll call you as soon as I can.
LARRY: Okay.
PIPER: Okay? Please send that check immediately.
LARRY: Okay. I will.
PIPER: I love you. Please keep my website updated. I love you so much. *Larry sobs* It's okay.
[Larry grabs his bag and kisses Piper before he leaves. Door slams]
[Scene: Piper and Officer Bell continue Piper's processing in the storage room]
OFFICER: What size shoe are you?
PIPER: Nine and a half. Ten. *Officer Bell places Piper's shoes and uniform on top of the bedding she is carrying* These are kinda like Toms.
OFFICER BELL: Who's Tom?
PIPER: Toms are shoes. When you buy a pair, the company gives another to a child in need. They're great. And they come in lots of different colors and…
OFFICER BELL: *interrupts* How nice. *places plastic Ziplock bag on top of the stack Piper is carrying* Strip.
[Flashback: Piper and her girlfriend, Alex Vause, are in the bedroom. Piper is dancing seductively while folding clothes. On the bed, Alex is reading a book and looking at Piper. After a while, Piper begins to look at Alex.]
[♪ “Move and Groove Together” by Benny Latimore]
Alex: *closes her book* Get over here.
[Piper continues to dance and removes her shirt]
ALEX: *mouths and gestures "Come here"*
PIPER: *continues her strip tease and moves closer to the bed* Are you gonna miss me?
ALEX: Yes. Too much. Come with me.
PIPER: What?
ALEX: Come to Bali. *turns off music* Come with me. I mean it. I'll buy you a plane ticket.
PIPER: *gets on bed* Are you serious?
ALEX: Yes. *kisses Piper on the chest* Come with me. Quit your job. Come with me.
PIPER: Well, I-I'd have to give notice.
ALEX: *laughs* You're a f**ing waitress. You don't have to give a notice. *kisses*
PIPER: Will I get in trouble?
ALEX: God, I hope so. *laughs*
PIPER: You know what I mean.
ALEX: You don't have to do anything. You're just there to keep me company. Alright? *kisses* Come on, babe. I want you to come. And I want you to cum. *pushes body against Piper* Yes? Is that a yes?
Piper: Yes. *kisses* Yes.
[End of Flashback. Present day, inside prison]
[Scene: Officer Bell continues Piper's processing by doing a strip search]
OFFICER BELL [Voice-over at end of Flashback]: Open your mouth. Stick out your tongue.
OFFICER BELL: Lift up your arms. Turn around. Squat. Spread your cheeks and cough.
PIPER: *turns around and looks at Officer Bell* Seriously? *turns back around and coughs*
[After Piper finishes her processing, she is escorted by an officer to a van that will transport her to the facility. She sits next to Inmate Janae Watson]
LORNA: *looking at a magazine* That it?
OFFICER: One more coming. Hold on.
PIPER: *tries to zip up jacket* [To Morello] My zipper's broken.
LORNA: *puts sungla**es on her head and looks in the rear view mirror* First time down?
PIPER: My first time here?
LORNA: *looks back at magazine* No. Your first time in prison.
PIPER: Oh...yeah.
LORNA: It's not so bad. Everyone's okay. You've gotta watch out for the stealing.
[Piper and Watson move their stuff closer to them]
LORNA: So, what's your name? Like, your last name. Everyone uses last names here. I'm Morello *turns around* and that is Watson.
PIPER: Chapman.
LORNA: And, how much time you got Chapman?
PIPER: 15 months.
LORNA: Aw, that's not so bad. I got 34, but I'm hoping with good time there'll be less.
PIPER: Y-You….S-So you're a...They let you drive?
LORNA: Well, who else is gonna do it? *laughs* We do everything around here. *laughs* Hey can I ask you something? You look like you'd know. *hands Piper a magazine* All right. Which dress do you like better? My top two faves are the ones with the half-and-half lids stuck to the pages. See, I want something that's gonna express my personality. And the trick is, I wanna show off the b**bs and the a**, but I'm not so happy with the upper arms and stomach, so there's your challenge.
PIPER: *smiles and nods* Both nice.
LORNA: That's all you've gotta say? *sungla**es fall on her face as she takes back the magazine* I gotta look good.
My first dance is gonna go on Youtube.
[Flashback: Larry and Piper are enjoying a nice day on the beach. Larry is recording Piper as she walks on the beach]
PIPER: *walking toward Larry* Look! I found a rock that looks like a penis with one ball.
LARRY: No.
PIPER: It's my Lance Armstrong rock. *laughs*
LARRY: Hold it up. Let me see, let me see. Nice. Okay, now lick it, softly and tenderly, like you would've when you thought he was clean.
PIPER: *looking disgusted* Oh, Jesus! Shut that thing off.
LARRY: You're making a huge mistake. This could go viral.
PIPER: Seriously. Shut it off.
LARRY: What?
PIPER: *sits down on beach towel* I'm so fat from all the stress eating. I really don't want a record of it. You know, that's one thing I'm gonna do in prison. I'm gonna get ripped. Like Jackie Warner ripped. And I'm gonna read everything on my Amazon wishlist. And maybe even learn to craft, you know? I could be crafty. I'm gonna make it count, Larry. I'm not gonna throw away a year of my life. *looks at Larry digging in the beach bag* What the hell are you looking for?
LARRY: *clears his throat as he pulls out a Ziplock bag with a ring in it*
PIPER: Oh, no. What is that?
LARRY: Piper…
PIPER: Oh, Jesus, Larry. Why would you want...
LARRY: *interrupts* Why would I want a felonious former lesbian, WASP-shiksa, who's about to go to prison to marry me?
PIPER: Yes. And all of the stress eating?
LARRY: Well, because this peculiar, underachieving, underemployed Jew-boy loves her. And knows that he will never be bored, and can't believe how lucky he is that he met her. I gotta lock this sh** down before you leave, Pipes. I love you. You wanna marry me?
PIPER: *nods* When I get out, right?
LARRY: Whenever you want.
PIPER: I'll be so ripped.
LARRY: *chuckles* You could wear a wedding dress that's like a like a half shirt, you know? Show off those abs.
PIPER: Yeah. *chuckles and grabs Ziplock bag from Larry* Was it your grandmother's?
LARRY: No, my mom's saving that one for my sister. This is my great-aunt Marcia's. She had thyroid cancer and a series of schnauzers all named Schnapps. That's all I know. *looks at ring* Put it on. I had it sized. Good.
PIPER: *cries* It's beautiful.
LARRY: And that's a yes, right?
PIPER: *nods* Yes. Yeah.
LARRY: Will you say that just one more time for me? *grabs phone* But, this time, just into the camera, okay?.
PIPER: Oh, you a**hole!
LARRY: *laughs* Come on, I had capture the moment!
PIPER: sh**! Turn it off!
LARRY: What?
PIPER: *sit in Larry's lap* Give me that!
LARRY: *laughs and kisses* Oh, you're cold. Come here. *Larry begins to hold Piper*
[End of Flashback. Present day, inside the van]
LORNA [To Piper]: Bounce your legs up and down. It keeps your feet warm.
PIPER: Thanks.
JANAE [To Lorna]: You think your man is still gonna be around when you're out?
LORNA: Yeah, he'll be there. I'm the love of his life.
JANAE: 34 months is a long time.
PIPER: Yeah, but she's the love of his life!
JANAE: *scoffs* And who the f** asked you?
[Inmate Dayanara Diaz enter the van]
OFFICER: Head on up. *closes door*
WOMAN OVER PA: All gates open to one and two.
LORNA: *begins to drive* All right, so his tie is gonna match the bridesmaids' dresses. There's six bridesmaids. My cousin's being a b**h, so I'm thinking about dropping her.
[Scene cuts to Morello opening the doors to the van, allowing Piper, Watson, and Diaz to exit. They immediately look around at the prison and the inmates standing outside]
LORNA: *walking towards prison* All right, let's go.
[As they walk towards the prison doors, inmates begin to wolf whistle, say things about them, and laugh at them. When they reach the door, Lorna opens it and sees inmate Claudette Pellage]
LORNA: Hello, Miss Claudette.
CLAUDETTE: Morello. *walks outside*
LORNA [To Piper, Janae, and Daya]: Watch out for that one. Don't get me wrong, she's a good lady, but you don't wanna get on her bad side. *nods head to door* Go ahead. Go.
[Inside the prison, Lorna, Piper, Janae, and Daya are walking through the halls]
LORNA: Okay, I gotta send you all to processing, you've get your room a**ignments, and I'll meet you back here and show you your bunks. Okay? Don't look so bummed. Gonna get the wrinkles.
[Scene: Piper continues her processing by getting her picture taken for her I.D.]
OFFICER MENDEZ [To Piper]: All right, raise your head and look at the lens. *looks at computer* Aww, crap. *hits computer* [To Officer Bennett] New guy, what's your name, Bennett? Bennett, it's not f**ing working again.
OFFICER BENNETT: Did you turn it on?
OFFICER MENDEZ: *looks at Bennett* Yeah, I turned it on.
OFFICER BENNETT: *clears throat* *starts typing on computer* Wait, I think I got it. [To Piper] Ready?
PIPER: Yeah. Yep.
[Error sound on computer plays]
OFFICER BENNETT: *looks at computer* Wait, no.
OFFICER MENDEZ: What does this bu*ton do?
OFFICER BENNETT: No! Don't touch that.
OFFICER MENDEZ: Sorry, princess.
Piper: *points* There's a cord right there. D-Do you think that that needs to be connected to something?
OFFICER MENDEZ: Shut your mouth and stand still.
[Officer Bennett grabs the cord and plugs it in, making the computer beep]
OFFICER BENNETT: *smiles* She's right.
OFFICER MENDEZ: Okay, fine. *takes picture* Got it.
PIPER: You...I wasn't ready.
OFFICER MENDEZ: Tough sh**. Next!
[Scene cuts to Piper continuing her processing with getting a TB test]
NURSE: *preparing Piper's arm for the test* This is a TB test. Nice veins. No track marks!
PIPER: Thanks.
NURSE: Tattoos?
PIPER: Oh, yeah. *pulls hair up to show tattoo behind her neck*
NURSE: Oh, a fish. You like fish?
PIPER: Saw it on a scuba diving trip. Thought it was beautiful.
NURSE: Mm. I don't like fish. I like pork, chicken. But, uh, it's a pretty fish.
PIPER: Thanks.
[Flashback: Piper and Alex are in the bedroom. Piper is fixing the short wig on her head. Alex is putting a tattoo on the back of Piper's neck]
PIPER [Voice-over leads into Flashback]: It's gonna rub off when I sweat.
ALEX: No, it won't. It's waterproof. Stop. So, when this dries, you should be good to go. *kisses Piper on the cheek*
PIPER: *touches tattoo* How am I gonna get it off?
ALEX: Acetone.
PIPER: Great. Alex, I don't know if I can…
ALEX: *puts arms around Piper* Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Shh! *sigh* You are a nice blonde lady, aren't you? A proper young lady.
Just picking up her sensible bag at the baggage claim. Before heading off to her mid-range hotel to go over her scheduled museum visits and fancy dinners. *turns Piper around* It's all fine. *takes gla**es off* It's all good. And I will meet you in Brussels, and everything will work out perfectly, babe. I promise. It's all gonna be okay. *kisses Piper*
[Flashback ends. Present day, Back at the prison, Piper is in Sam Healy's office tthrough her paperwork]
HEALY [Voice-over at the end of flashback]: Are you okay?
PIPER: Fine. I guess.
HEALY: *flips page over* What's Popey?
PIPER: Poppy. It's a bath products line I'd started with my friend Polly. Polly and Piper. PoPi. We're gonna be in Barney's.
HEALY: Barney's?
PIPER: *nods* It's a nice store.
HEALY: *nods and picks up another stack of paper* It's a pretty big case. Criminal conspiracy.
PIPER: That's what they charged me with. I carried a suitcase of money. Drug money. Once. Ten years ago.
HEALY: What's that statute of limitations on that?
PIPER: Twelve years.
HEALY: That's tough.
PIPER: Well, I did it, that one time. 10 years ago.
HEALY: What did your lawyer say?
PIPER: He said with the mandatory minimums with drug crimes he wouldn't recommend risking a trial. So I pleaded out.
HEALY: And here you are.
PIPER: Here I am.
HEALY: *takes off gla**es* Costing the tax payers money and sweating in my armchair. You know, I've been here for 22 years and I still can't figure out how the system works. I got a crack dealer who's doing 9 months and then I have a lady who accidentally backed into a mailman who's doing 4 years. I mean the guy broke his collar bone, but come on. I just don't get it.
PIPER: *looks disgusted*
HEALY: Are you gonna barf? Tell me if you're gonna barf because there's a can behind you.
PIPER: I won't barf.
HEALY: I will be truly displeased if you barf anywhere but in that can.
PIPER: Not gonna barf.
HEALY: Miss Chapman, no one's gonna mess with you here unless you let them. This isn't Oz. Women fight with gossip and rumors. They might peg you for rich and try to hit you up for a commissary. And there are lesbians. They're not gonna bother you. They'll try to be your friend, just stay away from them. I want you to understand, you do not have to have lesbian s**. *put back gla**es on and starts writing*
PIPER: I have a fiancé.
HEALY: *stops writing and looks at Piper* Oh.
PIPER: His name is Larry. He's a writer. Can he come visit me?
HEALY: Is he in here?
PIPER: Yes, everybody's in there.
HEALY: All the people in the PSI are cleared to visit. He can come this weekend. I'll make sure the list is in the visiting room.
PIPER: Thank you so much, Mr. Healy.
HEALY: *takes off gla**es* You just keep to yourself. And you'll be fine. And don't make friends.
And remember, *puts gla**es back on* nothing goes on here that I don't know about *places Piper's indictment papers on desk*.
[Flashback: Larry and Piper are in their bedroom. Larry is standing up, confronting Piper about her past as she sits on the bed.]
LARRY: *holding Piper's indictment papers* You know everything about me! I tell you everything! The webcam horror, the penis shaving incident. How do I not know this?
PIPER: What was I supposed to say? It was...It was a phase. It was my lost-soul, post-college adventure phase. I-I was so embarra**ed. I can't...I can't believe that she did this.
LARRY: I can't believe you did this. I mean, who are you? I-I feel like I'm in a-a Bourne movie. Have you k**ed?
PIPER: *sobs*
LARRY: Oh, Jesus. Oh, no. Baby. Stop. Stop, stop. *sits down and holds Piper* Come on. Come on. *shushes* Okay.
PIPER: You should break up with me.
LARRY: What?
PIPER: You didn't sign up for this.
LARRY: Okay. Stop it, stop it. Come on. Shh. It's okay.
PIPER: *lifts head off Larry's chest* Okay? *grabs indictment papers and reads* “Witness states, Piper Chapman carried drug money. Piper Chapman was part of the ring.”
LARRY: Were you?
PIPER: I was 22! I thought that I was in love I was in love. And it was all crazy And then it got...scary, and I ran away, and I became the nice blond lady that I was supposed to be. I knew that she wasn't a good person, but f** her! f** her. *puts papers on the bed* This is not gonna be okay.
LARRY: *shakes head* No.
PIPER: No.
LARRY: It's not.
PIPER: Mm-mm.
LARRY: But we'll deal with it. Okay? We'll figure it out. Have you called a lawyer?
PIPER: *shakes head*
LARRY: I'll call my dad.
PIPER: No! no. Please don't call your dad. He already hates me.
LARRY: Yeah, well, I love you And, and he loves me, so, here we go.
[Flashback ends. Present day, inside prison. Lorna is escorting the Piper, Daya, and Janae down the hall
LORNA: All right, we gotta hustle, 'cause the count's soon. *points with pen* Uh, room up there. Dorms are down there. Now, you are not allowed down there. It's out of bounds for you guys until you get a**igned there. You understand? [To Yoga Jones] Ah! Namaste, Jones!
YOGA JONES: Namaste.
LORNA [To Piper, Daya, and Janae]: She teaches yoga if you ever want. And she's good. She's very spiritual. *continues walking* All right, we got some offices here. This is the dining hall, common room, counselor's office. [To Piper] Who-who you got for a counselor?
PIPER: Um, Healy.
LORNA: Okay, yeah.
PIPER: What?
LORNA: Nah, it's fine. It's fine. He does his paperwork. That's the good thing.
DAYA: When do we get outfits like everybody?
LORNA: I don't know. Maybe tomorrow after breakfast. You go down, you speak to the lady...
[Inmate Aleida Diaz walks up to Daya and slaps her]
DAYA: *gasps and begins to rub her jaw*
[Aleida keeps walking]
JANAE [To Daya]: What the f**?
LORNA: Friend of yours?
DAYA: No. It's It's my mom.
[Scene cuts to Lorna escorting Piper and Daya into her room]
LORNA: Alright, Chapman, Diaz, this is you. [To Anita] Uh, DeMarco, this is Chapman. She's new. Self-surrender. You show her what's what?
ANITA: Sure.
LORNA [To Gloria]: Okay, Mendoza, this is Diaz. Hm, go, go. She'll help you.
GLORIA: *speaks Spanish while fixing eyebrows*
DAYA: Uhm, I don't speak Spanish.
GLORIA: *looks at Daya* Great. Another f**ing coconut. What's the matter with your mother, she don't teach you Spanish?
LORNA: Here. Here's some tissues. First night's always hard. And a toothbrush. They don't give you one.
PIPER: Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for everything.
LORNA: Aw. No, no, it's no problem. We look out for our own.
PIPER: Our own?
LORNA: Oh, don't get all PC on me. It's tribal, not racist. I'll see you around. *leaves room*
ANITA: Tell me your name again?
PIPER: Piper. Chapman.
ANITA: *points to Inmate Rosa Cisneros, who's laying on her bunk bed across the room* That's Ms. Rossa. *points to Inmate Nicky Nichols, who's on the top bunk reading a book* And that's Nichols. Just got out of SHU a week ago. Told the CO to kiss her a**. Dumb.
Why make trouble for yourself, you know?
PIPER: SHU. That's solitary?
ANITA: Yep. And you don't want it, honey. Trust me.
Here's some toilet paper. You gotta take it with you.
PIPER: Thanks. What's that thing? *points to machine in corner*
ANITA: Oh, that's my machine. I need it at night. When I first got here, I had a ma**ive heart attack. Do you know about the count?
PIPER: Wait, can you go back to the heart attack?
ANITA: I don't like to dwell.
PIPER: How do I make a phone call?
ANTIA: You need a PAC number. Fill out a form. Whole rigmarole. *stands up* But maybe Caputo will let you make a call later. It helps, if you cry. *clicks tongue* *Piper turns around and starts to fiddle with bedding* Don't make your bed!
PIPER: *turns around* What?
ANITA: We'll make it for you.
PIPER: Oh, no, that's okay. You don't need to do that.
ANITA: Honey! *enunciatiating* We'll make the bed. We know how.
PIPER: I know how to make a bed.
ANITA: We know how to do it so we'll pa** inspection. You can help clean. We clean everything with Maxi pads.
PIPER: Seriously?
ANITA: Yep. It's a head scratcher, but that's what we got.
PIPER: So, we make our beds in the morning before they count-
ANITA: No. You sleep on top of the bed. With the blanket over you.
PIPER: What if I want to sleep in the bed?
ANITA: Look, you can do what you want, but you will be the only one in this entire prison that does. You want that? *dusts hands* Be my guest.
GUARD [Off-camera]: Count time! Count time! Count time, ladies!
ANITA: That light comes on, you need to be where you're supposed to be, and you don't move, until it goes off. Dinner's after.
[Nicky jumps down off her bed]
GLORIA [To Piper]: Hey blanca. You speak Spanish?
PIPER: Un poco. Entiendo mas de lo que puedo hablar.
GLORIA [To Daya]: You see? f**ing white girl speaks Spanish.
[Guard comes in to get a head count, clicking his counter every time, then leaves]
PIPER: So
ANITA: *whispers* Shh...
[Officer O'neill comes in and rapidly clicks his counter, stares at Piper, and then leaves]
PIPER: Dinner's at 4:30?
OFFICER O'NEILL [Off-screen]: Recount, ladies!
ANITA: Ugh! They alway screw it up!
NICKY: How hard is it to f**ing count?
ANITA: Nicky, this is um Piper.
PIPER: Uh, Chapman.
NICKY: *scoffs* Look at you, blondie. What'd you do?
PIPER: Aren't you not supposed to ask that question? I read that you're not supposed to ask that.
NICKY: You read that? What, you studied for prison?
ANITA: *laughs*
[Officer O'neill comes back into the room and rapidly clicks his counter]
PIPER: What did you do?
[Flashback: Piper is in the airport in her disguise. She is at baggage claim looking for her bag]
MAN [Voice-over] I can't understand your French.
PIPER: Mon bag! Bag! My bag hasn't arrived.
MAN: Oh! The bags do not make it onto the right flight sometime. Wait for the next shuttle for Paris. It's probably on that plane.
[Scene change with Piper changing her position as she waits, until the Baggage claim buzzer goes off and moves]
PIPER: Oh! Mon bag! My bag. *begins to speak in French, but then changes to Spanish*
[Scene cuts to Alex waiting and looking for Piper. Piper walks up behind her]
PIPER: Bonjour.
ALEX: Oh! Bonjour. *kisses Piper* Welcome to Belgium. *kisses again* All good? I was starting to worry. Where did you come from?
PIPER: Over there.
ALEX: You didn't go through customs?
PIPER: No, I just walked out of that door and it brought me right here.
ALEX: You *whispers* skipped customs? Holy sh**! It's genius!
PIPER: Well should I go back?
ALEX: f** no! We're going to the hotel! I'm gonna eat you for dinner.
PIPER: Alex, I was so freaked out when the baggage show up, I almost bailed.
ALEX: Well, it's a good thing you didn't. There's over 50 grand in that bag. Kubra woulda had you k**ed. Come on!
[Piper stands in the way of people and stares at Alex. People occasionally bump into her]
[Flashback ends. Present day, back at the prison. Piper is standing in the way with her lunch tray, while Inmate Gina Murphy is trying to sweep the floor]
GINA [To Piper]: Keep moving! You're blocking up the works.
[Piper walks around Gina and proceeds to look for a place to sit]
GINA: *stops sweeping* Okay. *points to Yoga Jones* Go sit there, she's a nice white lady.
PIPER: Thanks. *walks to table* Hi. Is it okay if I sit here?
YOGA JONES: Sure, newbie, I'm Jones.
PIPER: Chapman.
YOGA JONES: You doin' okay, Chapman?
PIPER: I don't really know how to answer that question. Everything's pretty surreal right now.
YOGA JONES: Do you know what a mandala is?
PIPER: Um, those are those round Buddhist art things.
YOGA JONES: The Tibetan monks make them out of dyed sand laid out into big, beautiful designs. And when they're done, after days or weeks of work, they wipe it all away.
PIPER: Wow. That's-That's a lot.
YOGA JONES: Try to look at your experience here as a mandala, Chapman. Work hard to make something as meaningful and beautiful as you can. And when you're done, pack it in and know it was all temporary. You have to remember that. It's all temporary.
PIPER: *softly* It's all temporary.
YOGA JONES: I'm telling you, surviving here is all about perspective. [Piper grabs her spoon and gets ready to eat] Don't eat the pudding.
PIPER: What's the perspective on the pudding?
YOGA JONES: It comes in big cans marked "Desert Storm". Sometimes the kitchen has to scrape the mold off the top before they serve it.
[Inmate Sister Ingalls comes and sits next to Yoga Jones]
SISTER INGALLS: Hi there.
YOGA JONES: Hi, sister. This is Chapman.
PIPER: Sister? As in nun?
SISTER INGALLS: *smiles* Mmm-hmm.
YOGA JONES: Yep, a k**er nun.
SISTER INGALL: Now, stop it. She doesn't know you're joking.
YOGA JONES: She chained herself to a flagpole at a nuclear test site.
SISTER INGALL: *bows her head and closes her eyes to pray* Amen. So. Now, Chapman. What's your story?
PIPER: I chained myself to a drug dealer.
[Nicky comes in and sits next to Piper]
NICKY: Piper, you can't be taking advice from a nun and a hippie.
YOGA JONES: By all means, seek out the supreme wisdom of the junkie philosopher.
SISTER INGALL: I pray for you, Nicky.
NICKY: Aw, I pray for you too, sister. I lust after you, yoga Jones. Those sinewy arms. *laughs* Gotta love a yoga body.
YOGA JONES: You should come to cla**. Watch me chaturanga.
NICKY: That whole common room smells like fart. It kinda takes away the magic for me. You like p**y, Piper? Or do you prefer pipe as your name suggests? I'm feeling some Sapphic vibes coming off you.
SISTER INGALL: Oh, leave her alone.
NICKY: *sniffs two of her fingers* Come on, sister. You know you would've gone my way if you hadn't married Jesus.
[Inmate Galina “Red” Reznikov walks up and slides Nicky, Yoga Jones, and Sister Ingall some yogurt]
NICKY: Thank you, mommy.
YOGA JONES: Thanks, Red.
SISTER INGALL: Thanks, Red.
[Red sits down at the end of the table]
PIPER [To Nicky]: She's your mom?
NICKY: Ah. Maternal figurehead. My actual mother lives in Brazil with her boyfriend, Paolo, Who destroys rainforests and collects photos of realistic art. She is a c*nt. I am an embarra**ment.
[Inmate Carrie “Big Boo” Black slides up to the table next to Red]
BIG BOO: Hey, Red. Got one of those for me?
RED: You got what I asked you for?
BIG BOO: Uh, I'm working on in it.
RED: So am I. Treats come when I sleep better. [Big Boo leaves the table] How hard is it to get me a board from the woodshop? [To Big Boo] *yells* Ugh. People. [To Nicki] Who's this?
NICKY: Oh, this is Chapman. She's new. Self-surrender. Thinks she's fancy.
RED: *reaches in pocket* Here, Fancy. Have a yogurt.
PIPER: What do I have to do for it?
RED: You're new. You're one of us. Consider it a gift.
PIPER: Thank you. Thank you so much! *whispers* The food here is disgusting. [Everyone begins to look worried] What?
NICKY: Did I mention that Red runs the kitchen?
PIPER: sh**. I'm sorry.
RED: *gets up and stands in front of Piper* Honey. I know you just got here, so you don't know what's what. Well, I'm gonna tell you. You don't like the food? *shrugs* It's no problem. *walks away*
NICKY [To Piper]: Holy sh**. That was an epic f** up.
[Scene cuts to Piper standing in the door of Joe Caputo's office]
CAPUTO: Can I help you?
PIPER: Um, I'm Chapman. I'm new today. They told me I should talk to you if I don't have a PAC number.
CAPUTO: Who's they?
PIPER: *sobs* Mr. Caputo Please let me call my fiancé.. I have to let him know that I'm okay.
CAPUTO: Two minutes. You got two minutes, that's it. Close the door, I don't want a run on my office. *hands Piper the phone* Dial 9 to get out.
[Piper quicky grabs the phone and dials Larry's number]
[Scene cuts to Larry is eating Chinese food with his parents, Amy and Harry Bloom. His mother answers his phone]
AMY BLOOM: Hello? Larry's phone.
PIPER: Amy?
AMY: Piper?
LARRY: *jumps up* Gimme the phone.
AMY: One second. Can I say hello?
[Scene cuts to Piper on the phone; scene continues to cut between the two ends of the phone]
PIPER: *holds head* Amy, I only have two minutes to talk.
AMY: Are you okay? What's it like in there? Howard and I brought Chinese. Larry is so upset.
HARRY: *sitting at the table* Let him talk, Amy!
LARRY: Come on, gimme the phone.
PIPER: Amy, please let me talk to Larry.
AMY: You know, I read that when Martha Stewart was in prison, she foraged for dandelions.
LARRY: *snatches phone* Okay, Mom, please? *leaves room*
AMY: I was talking!
HARRY: Maybe it's not always about you dear.
AMY: What's that supposed to mean?
LARRY: Piper.
PIPER: I only have a minute now. I'm calling from the guard's office.
LARRY: Hey. Are you-Are you okay? What's going on?
PIPER: I love you so much.
LARRY: *laughs* I love you too. Are you okay?
PIPER: I'm wearing granny panties and I've only spoken to white people.
LARRY: *chuckles*Are you joining the Aryan Nation?
PIPER: I don't know. But there's a nun here and you're not allowed to sleep in your bed. Only on top of it.
LARRY: That's weird.
PIPER: I know, right? And when I got here they gave me these little, uh, bars of hotel soap, but no shampoo. But I think that I can borrow some from other white people. I love you so much! *sighs* One of my roommates had a ma**ive heart attack when she got here.
LARRY: Okay. You are not allowed to have a heart attack.
PIPER: What did you have for dinner?
LARRY: My folks brought from The Palace.
PIPER: Oh. The Palace. Dinner here was scary liver. And I insulted the chef. *starts to cry* And you're not supposed to eat the pudding because it's been to Desert Storm.
LARRY: Piper, listen to me, you cannot lose your sh**. Okay? I mean it. Please, please tell me you're keeping it together, please? Please...please tell me you're okay?
CAPUTO: Wrap it up, Chapman.
PIPER: I'm-I'm Chapman here.
LARRY: You're my Pipes, okay? And, uh, I love you, and this is only temporary.
And [inhales] This is only temporary.
PIPER: That's what Yoga Jones said. But it's just been one day and I can't, I can't.
LARRY: Piper, you can. You so can. Okay? You-You-You are so strong, babe. You...And you love adventure right? That's what got you in there and that's-that's what's going to get you through. This is all just a big adventure with liver, and, uh, Yoga Jones. And, and, and racism.
PIPER: You can come on Friday. Please come on Friday. Tell my mother to come on Saturday, and don't tell her you're coming on Friday, okay?
LARRY: Of course. Okay? Two sleeps. That's it. Two sleeps on top of your bed. And then, I will be there.
CAPUTO: Coming up on lights out. Say goodbye.
PIPER: *whispers* I have to go.
LARRY: Hey, no crying.
PIPER: *whispers* I'm Not crying.
LARRY: Piper, I love you. I will see you on Friday. Please, be brave. Don't let anyone into your granny panties. I love you.
PIPER: I love you.
CAPUTO: *hangs up the phone* Your head's not here yet. Don't worry, it'll catch up. In the mean time, try to get some sleep. Orientation is tomorrow at 9. *places small bottle of Shampoo on desk* Shampoo for you. I think the words you're looking for are thank you.
PIPER: Thank you.
CAPUTO: Good night, Chapman. Close the door behind you.
[When Piper leaves the room, Caputo proceeds to pull out a bottle of lotion and unzips his pants to jerk off; Camera focuses on a plant on his desk]
[Scene cuts to Piper sleeping in her bed while Anita continues to shake the bed in an attempt to wake her]
ANITA: Chapman. Hey! Chapman.
PIPER: What?
ANITA: Rise and shine.
PIPER: What, what?
ANITA: You want time to shower and eat, you gotta get up. Aw, look at your eyes. You should put some cold water on 'em.
PIPER: Okay, thanks.
ANITA: Take a nice shower, get dressed, you'll start to feel normal soon enough. You got flip-flops?
PIPER: No.
ANITA: Oh, honey. There's wicked fungus in the showers.
[Piper looks at the stack of maxi pads on the table]
[Scene cuts to Piper wearing her makeshift shower shoes in the shower]
TAYSTEE: *in the shower, singing “I'll Take You There”* Ain't nobody cryin'. Ain't nobody worryin'.
[Piper walks to the other side of the bathroom, and overhears Inmate Blanca Flores inside a stall yelling at someone]
BLANCA: [Speaking Spanish] You drivin' me crazy! [Starts speaking Spanish again]
[Piper bends down to see how many people are in the stall; Blanca opens the door]
BLANCA: *looks Piper up and down* Boo!
PIPER: Ah!
[Piper walks and notices Nicky eating out Lorna in a shower stall. Nicki notices her looking and smiles. Piper walks off]
[Scene cuts to the cafeteria, where Piper and Anita are in line to get breakfast]
ANITA: Everyone gets a piece of fruit at breakfast. I'm telling you, it'll all start to feel normal soon. Really.
You hungry?
[Inmate Sophia Burset starts to touch Piper's hair]
PIPER: *gets scared and turns around* I'm starving. Excuse me.
SOPHIA: Such pretty hair.
PIPER: Thank you.
SOPHIA: When those roots start to show be sure to come and see me, okay? I'll take good care of you. But even if you don't come to me, don't go to Danita. She'll burn your sh** out of your scalp. Go. Line's moving.
GINA: Wait, Chapman. Are you Chapman?
PIPER: Yes.
GINA: *holds finger up and bends down to pick up a tray* Red said she made that special for you.
PIPER: Wow! Thanks! Tell her I said thanks.
GINA: I don't say nothin'. I'm just workin'. Next.
[Piper was to table and sits next to Nicky. As Lorna and Nicky talk, Piper gets ready to eat her sandwich, but pauses when she notices a string sticking out of it]
NICKY: Man, I'm tellin' you, before my teeth got knocked out, I had this awesome gap. Now they look like Chiclets, look!
LORNA: You're crazy. Your fake teeth are beautiful. Bet you never get the food stuck in them. So, you got the nice fresh breath all the time. It's minty. It's beautiful. It's like God put them in you every day. A summer breeze coming over here.
NICKY: Yeah? You like that?
LORNA: Always smell...
NICKY: Yeah, Yeah.
[Piper slowly takes off the top bun of her sandwich. She jumps back when she discovers that there's a bloody tampon on her sandwich]
LORNA: *looks disgusted* Oh. Oh, what did you do?
NICKY: She insulted the food in front of Red.
LORNA: Oh, jeez. I don't think you'll be eating for a while.
NICKY: *laughs*
ANITA: Oh! Put it away. I'm enjoying menopause very much, thank you. Whoo!
[In shock, Piper quickly folds the sandwich back up in aluminum foil]
LORNA: You gotta figure out how to make things right with Red.
ANITA: Oh, and yeah, yeah. You gotta go down to laundry. Don't forget that. And check the elastic on all the pants.
LORNA: *nods and points* Mm.
ANITA: Don't let them give you stretched-out garbage.
LORNA: Orientation starts in 10 minutes.
NICKY: At least you had a nice shower this morning, right? I think I saw you in there? *laughs*
PIPER: *shakes head* Um...I-I don't..I don't know. Um...excuse me.
LORNA: Hey! Hey, hey, don't forget, you gotta bus your tray.
[Nicky, Lorna, and Anita begin to laugh]
ANITA: Where's she going with that tray? Can't take them out of here!
NICKY: Yeah, she'll figure it out.
LORNA: Was she really in the shower this morning?
[Scene cuts to Piper walking outside, hyperventilating. In the water, on the ground she see's someone approaching her and looks up to find Alex standing there]
ALEX:: Maybe this is a bad time to say hi, huh?
PIPER: *screams*
[Ending Credits: ♪ Jill Barber - Chances]