When I go to meet God
I'm gonna have to be honest...
I'm gonna have to tell the truth
not a day went by that I didn't doubt you.
You always said, "Don't grow up too fast,
you're just a boy",
but it's better to be in the house of sorrow than the house of joy,
and if I could have a heart like David, that resembles yours,
then what are the odds Solomon's sadness
might have creeped in somewhere to even the score?
Dear Dad, do you remember when I was always sad?
You and mom called it my "depressed year," and I know it was pretty bad...
What drives a child to want to give up everything he has?
What makes a person think that?
What makes a mother's son decide that d**h is better than tomorrow?
Inside of each and every breath that I "borrowed"
I held onto the sorrow and thought:
"I'll never be able to repay Jesus with the way I live"
and now I'm thinking so much that I've screwed everything up
and I don't even know if you exist,
so I may as well not exist.
So when I come to meet you
I'm gonna have to be honest
I'm going to tell the truth
not one day has gone by that I haven't doubted you.
But I never told you both that I almost k**ed myself. I did.
I almost drove my car right off that highway bridge,
and as I picked up pace, prayed to God that he'd forgive me if I went through with it:
this is not a life worth living, I've already ruined it!
Mom, dad, sister, friends, family -
if I never see you again I hope you live out your lives happily.
Give my dog a kiss of the lips and all of my writings go to Isaac -
man, the one's about me and you are not meant to be kept in private.
Make them your own and write your songs to inspire the world the way I wish that I did...
Sister, you're beautiful, don't ever let them take that away.
Don't let yourself become just another face with no name.
Get to know Isaac better, you two can collaborate
(your voice is more beautiful than his has ever been, anyway)
Mom, I'm sorry the last time we talked, we fought...
I'm just so sick of pretending to be somebody I'm not.
And years down the line when I am all but forgot, you were my last thought.
And to finish the note before I get up to go, dad, I'm sorry I kept all this pain inside -
this will hurt you more than anyone else.
When I breathe my last I will pray that you can forget your past in all of this
and try not to blame yourself...
I tried to find a reason to stay alive!
I love you all so much...
goodbye.
God I'm coming to meet you now!
I suppose this decision doesn't display much trust, but
if you are real and really out there
then make me feel like I'm talking to something more than the ceiling!
Dear mom, I'm getting better at writing happier things -
I know you'll never understand it but I'm attached to the sadness
and it rings true when I sing, and
there's a little bit of healing inside all of our suffering
as I have a savior that took up my suffering for me.
And as I drove down I-40 to collide with 25
I swear to God something forgotten came alive to me inside
and this little memory sparked a reason to risk life one more night:
on christmas morning I don't want my sister to wake up without her brother by her side!
TEAR ME TO PIECES, MY SWEET SUICIDE!
For to die is gain, and to live is Christ so I will make you the apple of my eye...
when I come to meet You
I'm going to come complete, as You have completed me.
I'm going to come whole
and I am begging to come happy...