I'm sitting.
Standing.
Listening to Neva Dinova.
Mallory isn't here.
She went to Michigan.
I'm blowing my nose, throwing the tissue away.
(“My mom said we are leaving for Michigan in an hour.”)
‘Surreal.'
Stop thinking about Mallory.
Work on your novel.
Think about something else.
Think about your novel.
There is pizza downstairs.
No e-mails.
Mallory is on her way to Michigan.
Organic Echinacea tea.
Gmail chat.
Facebook.
Friday night.
(“I'm sorry I let you down, I wish I didn't have to go.”)
‘King of Kong' on the couch downstairs.
We were going to watch it.
(“You didn't let me down.”)
I was going to surprise her.
Watch it alone.
I'm blowing my nose, throwing the tissue away.
Percocet.
Adderall.
I'm blowing my nose, throwing the tissue away.
‘Supercomputer' by Neva Dinova is playing on repeat.
Focus on your novel.
Your novel about Mallory.
It's sunny outside.
Ty and Paul are skateboarding.
Go outside.
Exercise.
The sun is shining through the window.
I'm blowing my nose, throwing the tissue away.
Mallory just texted.
(“What's up lub.”)
En route to Michigan.
(“Writing. Drinking tea.”)
I'm walking downstairs.
Don't eat, you're not hungry.
I'm opening the refrigerator.
It's sunny outside.
I'm looking at pizza.
I'm taking a carrot from the shelf, putting it into my mouth.
Walking away from the fridge.
Moving toward the couch.
‘Victory.'
Looking at a novel.
Reading the novel.
I'm blowing my nose, putting the tissue on the table.
Work on your novel.
Whenever you read you just think of what you're reading in terms of your writing anyway.
What is wrong with you?
I'm looking around vacantly.
Stop thinking about yourself for once, a**hole.
Mallory is not coming over.
Pizza.
King of Kong.
‘Lub.'
My mom is staring at me.
My face feels heavy.
(“I thought you guys left.”
“No, not yet, your Dad is taking Ty and his friends to the game, then we're leaving.”
“Oh.”
“You thought you were all alone. Good thing you didn't, you know, start doing anything weird or anything.”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, well I'll leave you alone.”
“Okay.”)
Organic Echinacea tea.
Red ceramic mug.
‘Favorite cup.'
Pizza.
Carbs.
Novel.
Goals.
I'm walking to the kitchen, past the kitchen, to my bedroom.
Neva Dinova on repeat.
Empty the garbage can.
Tissues.
Germs.
I'm running downstairs, retrieving a garbage bag.
Emptying the trashcan in my bedroom.
Emptying the trashcan in my bathroom.
Running downstairs with the garbage bag.
Mom.
(“Hello, gorgeous.”)
Mallory is not in Solon.
(“Hey.”)
Mallory is on her way to Michigan.
Mallory's mom never calls her ‘gorgeous' probably.
There are things that can't be changed or made up for.
Be nice all the time.
Be nicer.
To her.
All the time.
Make her things more often.
Give her all of your money.
Text her more.
Think nicer thoughts about her.
Bedroom.
Neva Dinova.
I'm sitting with bad posture.
I'm closing the internet, opening a Word document.
I'm looking at my novel.
All of your friends s**.
I'm blowing my nose, throwing the tissue away.
Don't work on your novel unless you feel like working on your novel.
I'm calling Evan.
(“Hello?”
“Hey, what are you doing?”
“About to go to my house with David to eat dinner. We just had practice.”
“Oh, what are you doing tonight?”
“I think we're just going to keep working on stuff, but if something changes I'll call you.”
“Nevermind.”
“No man, I mean –“
“Nevermind.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.”
[Pause]
“Zach talked about hanging out after the show tomorrow, did you want to do that?”
“What?”
“I don't know Zach just said you guys talked about hanging out.”
“Yeah, we'll have to like, have a sleepover though – It'll be late.”
“Yeah.”
“With who?”
“I don't know – Zach said you invited him.”
“Yeah... I guess I'd be down if it's just you, him, and me. Should I pick you up tomorrow before the show?”
“I'm going with David.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“Sorry man.”
“It's cool.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”)
I'm staring at the computer screen.
The sun is setting.
‘Lub.'
‘Victory.'
David is going to the show.
That means Martha will probably be there.
I want to shrink.
I want to shrink underneath covers, never see anyone again.
I want to never see anyone ever again.
You should text Mallory.
I'm looking at Twitter.
I'm looking at the Twitter page for ‘Adderall-XR.'
I'm looking at my Twitter page.
I want to evaporate.
Organic Echinacea tea.
Neva Dinova on repeat.
David will know if you don't invite him to the sleepover.
I'm doing push-ups.
What if Dad doesn't let you have a sleepover?
He will say you're too sick.
It will be okay.
I'm doing sit-ups.
Just tell him you're better.
Something like this has happened before.
Text Mallory something nice.
I'm blowing my nose, throwing the tissue away.
“i love you. i feel happy, alone, away from the world, thinking abt you.”
I'm blowing my noise, throwing the tissue away.