Enter Leonora, Sanitonella, Winifrid and Register at one door: at the other, Ariosto.
Sanitonella to the Register:
Take her into your office sir,
she has that in her belly will dry up your ink, I can tell you.
Exeunt Winifrid, Register.
to Leonora:
This is the man that is your learned counsel,
A fellow that will trowel it off with tongue:
He never goes without restorative powder
Of the lungs of fox in's pocket, and Malligo raisins
To make him long-winded. Sir, this gentlewoman
Entreats your counsel in an honest cause,
Which please you sir, this brief, my own poor labour
Will give you light of.
He offers the brief to Ariosto.
Ariosto:
Do you call this a brief?
Here's as I weigh them, some fourscore sheets of paper.
What would they weigh if there were cheese wrap'd in them,
Or figdates!
He reads the brief
Sanitonella:
Joy come to you, you are merry;
We call this but a brief in our office.
The scope of the business lies i'th' margent.
Ariosto:
Methinks you prate too much.
I never could endure an honest cause
With a long prologue to't.
Leonora:
You trouble him.
Ariosto:
What's here? O strange. I have liv'd this sixty years,
Yet in all my practice never did shake hands
With a cause so odious. Sirrah, are you her knave?
Sanitonella:
No sir, I am a clerk.
Ariosto:
Why you who*eson fogging rascal,
Are there not who*es enough for presentations,
Of overseers, wrong the will o'th' dead,
Oppressions of widows, or young orphans,
Wicked divorces, or your vicious cause
Of plus quam satis, to content a woman,
But you must find new stratagems, new pursenets?
O Woman, as the ballad lives to tell you,
What will you shortly come to?
Sanitonella:
Your fee is ready sir.
Ariosto:
The devil take such fees,
And all such suits i'th' tail of them; see the slave
Has written false Latin: sirrah Ignoramus,
Were you ever at the university?
Sanitonella:
Never sir: but 'tis well known to divers
I nave commenc'd in a pew of our office.
Ariosto:
Where? In a pew of your office!
Sanitonella:
I have been dry-found'red in't this four years,
Seldom found non-resident from my desk.
Ariosto:
Non-resident subsumner!
I'll tear your libel for abusing that word,
By virtue of the clergy.
He tears up the brief
Sanitonella:
What do. you mean sir?
It cost me four nights'labour.
Ariosto:
Hadst thou been drunk
So long, th'adst done our court better service.
Leonora:
Sir, you do forget your gravity, methinks.
Ariosto:
Cry ye mercy, do I so?
And as I take it, you do very little
Remember either womanhood
Or Christianity: why do ye meddle
With that seducing knave, that's good for naught,
Unless 't be to fill the office full of fleas,
Or a winter itch, wears that spacious inkhorn
All a vacation only to cure tetters,
And his penknife to weed corns from the splay toes
Of the right worshipful of the office?
Leonora:
You make bold with me sir.
Ariosto:
Woman, y'are mad, I'll swear it, and have more need
Of a physician than a lawyer.
The melancholy humour flows in your face,
Your painting cannot hide it. Such vile suits
Disgrace our courts, and these make honest lawyers
Stop their own ears whilst they plead, and that's the reason
Your younger men that have good conscience,
Wear such large nightcaps. Go old woman, go pray,
For lunacy, or else the devil himself
Has tane possession of thee. May like cause
In any Christian court never find name:
Bad suits, and not the law, bred the law's shame.
Exit.
Leonora:
Sure the old man's frantic.
Sanitonella:
Plague on's gouty fingers.
Were all of his mind, to entertain no suits
But such they thought were honest, sure our lawyers
Would not purchase half so fast. But here's the man,
Enter Contilupo, a spruce lawyer.
Learned Signior Contilupo, here's a fellow
Of another piece, believe't; I must make shift
With the foul copy.
Contilupo:
Business to me?
Sanitonella:
To you sir, from this lady.
Contilupo:
She is welcome.
Sanitonella:
'Tis a foul copy sir, you'll hardly read it.
There's twenty double ducats, can you read sir?
Contilupo:
Exceeding well; very, very exceeding well
Sanitonella: aside:
This man will be sav'd, he can read.
Lord, lord, to see
What money can do! Be the hand never so foul,
Somewhat will be pick'd out on't.
Contilupo:
Is not this
Vivere honeste?
Sanitonella:
No, that's struck out sir;
And wherever you find vivere honeste in these papers,
Give it a dash sir.
Contilupo:
I shall be mindful of it.
In truth you write a pretty secretary;
Your secretary hand ever takes best
In mine opinion.
Sanitonella:
Sir, I have been in France,
And there, believe't, your court hand generally,
Takes beyond thought.
Contilupo:
Even as a man is traded in't.
Sanitonella:aside:
That I could not think of this virtuous gentleman
Before I went to'th' other hog-rubber!
Why this was wont to give young clerks half fees,
To help him to clients. Your opinion in the case sir?
Contilupo:
I am struck with wonder, almost extasied,
With this most goodly suit.
Leonora:
It is the fruit
Of a most hearty penitence.
Contilupo:
'Tis a case
Shall leave a precedent to all the world,
In our succeeding annals, and deserves
Rather a spacious public theatre
Than a pent court for audience: it shall teach
All ladies the right path to rectify
Their issue.
Sanitonella:
Lo you, here's a man of comfort.
Contilupo:
And you shall go unto a peaceful grave,
Discharg'd of such a guilt, as would have lain
Howling for ever at your wounded heart,
And rose with you to Judgement.
Sanitonella:
O give me
Such a lawyer, as will think of the day
Of Judgement!
Leonora:
You must urge the business
Against him as spitefully as may be.
Contilupo:
Doubt not. What, is he summon'd?
Sanitonella:
Yes, and the court
Will sit within this half hour. Peruse your notes,
You have very short warning.
Contilupo:
Never fear you that.
Follow me worthy lady, and make account
This suit is ended already.
Exeunt.