Well I guess it was back in '63
When eatin' my cookin' got the better of me
So I asked this little girl I was goin' with to be my wife
Well she said she would
So I said "I do"
But I'da said "I wouldn't"
If I'da just knew how sayin' "I do"
Was gonna screw up all of my life
Well the first few years weren't all that bad
I'll never forget the good times we had
Cause I'm reminded every month when I send her the child support
Well it wasn't too long till the lust all died
And I'll admit I wasn't too surprised
The day I come home and found my suitcase sittin' out on the porch
Well I tried to get in
She changed the lock
Then I found this note taped on the mailbox that said
"Goodbye turkey. My attorney will be in touch"
So I decided right then and there
I was gonna do what's right
Give 'er her fair share
But brother
I didn't know her share was gonna be that much
She got the goldmine (She got the goldmine)
I got the shaft (I got the shaft)
They split it right down the middle
And then they give her the better half
Well it all sounds sorta funny
But it hurts too much to laugh
She got the goldmine, I got the shaft
Now listen, you ain't heard nothin' yet
Why they give her the color televison set
Then they give her the house
The kids
And both of the cars
See?
Well then they started talkin' about child support
Alimony
And the costs to the court
Didn't take me long to figure out how far in the toilet I was
I'm tellin' ya they have made a mistake
Cause it adds up to more than this cowboy makes
Besides, everything I ever had worth takin' they've already took
While she's livin' like a queen
On alimony
I'm workin' two shifts
Eatin' baloney
Askin' myself, "Why didn't you just learn how to cook?"
They give her the goldmine, (She got the goldmine)
They give me the shaft (I got the shaft)
They said they're splittin' it all down the middle
But she got the better half
Well, it all sounds mighty funny
But it hurts too much to laugh
She got the goldmine, I got the shaft
Well, she got the goldmine, (She got the goldmine)
I got the shaft (I got the shaft)
They split it all down the middle
And then they give her the better half
Well, I guess it all sounds funny
But it hurts too much to laugh
She got the goldmine, I got the shaft
Heh, heh. Hey ain't kidding. I got the shaft
But I don't have to worry about totin' a billfold anymore
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
I let my wife tote it, I'm gonna be carryin' food stamps
You get it judge?
I'm gonna be indebted
That's not funny, huh?
Huh?
Contempt of court?
What do you mean I'm
Listen judge, I'm just kiddin'
I mean
You can't get blood out of a turnip, can ya? (Ha ha ha)