AM PUSHING a rusty wheelbarrow in a town where the air smells of blood and burnt flesh.
The breeze brings the faint cries of those whose last breaths are leaving their mangled
bodies. I walk past them. Their arms and legs are missing; their intestines spill out through
the bullet holes in their stomachs; brain matter comes out of their noses and ears.The eyes of the
nearly dead are redder than the blood that comes out of them, and it seems that their bones
will tear through the skin of their taut faces at any minute. I turn my face to the ground to look
at my feet. My tattered crapes are soaked with blood, which seems to be running down my
army shorts. I feel no physical pain, so I am not sure whether I've been wounded. I can feel
the warmth of my AK-47's barrel on my back; I don't remember when I last fired it. It feels
as if needles have been hammered into my brain, and it is hard to be sure whether it is day or
night. The wheelbarrow in front of me contains a dead body wrapped in white bedsheets. I
do not know why I am taking this particular body to the cemetery.
When I arrive at the cemetery, I struggle to lift it from the wheelbarrow; it feels as if the
body is resisting. I carry it in my arms, looking for a suitable place to lay it to rest. My body
begins to ache and I can't lift a foot without feeling a rush of pain from my toes to my spine. I
collapse on the ground and hold the body in my arms. Blood spots begin to emerge on the
white bedsheets covering it. Setting the body on the ground, I start to unwrap it, beginning at
the feet. All the way up to the neck, there are bullet holes. One bullet has crushed the
Adam's apple and sent the remains of it to the back of the throat. I lift the cloth from the
body's face. I am looking at my own.
I lay sweating for a few minutes on the cool wooden floor where I had fallen, before turning
on the light so that I could completely free myself from the dreamworld. A piercing pain ran
through my spine. I studied the red exposed brick wall of the room and tried to identify the
rap music coming from a car pa**ing by. A shudder racked my body, and I tried to think
about my new life in New York City, where I had been for over a month. But my mind
wandered across the Atlantic Ocean back to Sierra Leone. I saw myself holding an AK-47
and walking through a coffee farm with a squad that consisted of many boys and a few
adults. We were on our way to attack a small town that had ammunition and food. As soon as
we left the coffee farm, we unexpectedly ran into another armed group at a soccer field
adjoining the ruins of what had once been a village. We opened fire until the last living
being in the other group fell to the ground. We walked toward the dead bodies, giving each
other high fives. The group had also consisted of young boys like us, but we didn't care
about them. We took their ammunition, sat on their bodies, and started eating the cooked
food they had been carrying. All around us, fresh blood leaked from the bullet holes in their
bodies.
I got up from the floor, soaked a white towel with a gla** of water, and tied it around my
head. I was afraid to fall asleep, but staying awake also brought back painful memories.
Memories I sometimes wish I could wash away, even though I am aware that they are an
important part of what my life is; who I am now. I stayed awake all night, anxiously waiting
for daylight, so that I could fully return to my new life, to rediscover the happiness I had
known as a child, the joy that had stayed alive inside me even through times when being
alive itself became a burden. These days I live in three worlds: my dreams, and the
experiences of my new life, which trigger memories from the past.