Papa Burch: I gotta go do some stuff. I'm droppin' you guys off at daycare.
Anthony: What do you mean, daycare? We're not 10.
(Papa Burch gestures across the room, Anthony looks over at Ash, who is about to insert a fork into the outlet.) Ash, what the hell are you doing??
Ashly: Infamous!
Ant: Noooo!
(Cut to Ash & Ant at daycare along with five children.)
Ashley Davis: Ready for a story, children? Today's story is called Metal Gear Solid.
Once upon a time, there was a soldier whose code name was Solid Snake. He was the strongest and best soldier from the United States. One day, a group of terrorists took over an island in Alaska called Shadow Moses. They threatened to blow up the country with a very large missile.
After the colonel told Snake about his mission, he swam to Shadow Moses and snuck inside the base the terrorists had taken over. He climbed through an air duct to get to the first prisoner, the Darpa Chief. The Darpa Chief told snake about a powerful robot that was being kept somewhere on the island. This robot was called Metal Gear Rex, and the terrorists planned to use it for evil. Then the Darpa Chief died.
A woman named Meryl helped Snake get out of the jail cell he had snuck into. She was the niece of his colonel and she had a nice bu*t.
A mean old man named Revolver Ocelot came to stop Snake, but before he could shoot his gun, a very nice man in stealth camouflage cut off Ocelot's hand. "Ow," Ocelot yelled!
Snake went looking for the scientist who worked on Metal Gear Rex. His name was Otakon. When Snake found Otakon, the nice man with the sword was staring at him. Otakon was very scared, and went number 1 in his trousers. Snake and the robot fought, which made Snake realize that they were best friends.
Snake found Meryl by looking at her patootie, then they found a scary man named Psycho Mantis. "So Snake," he said, "I see you like Castlevania."
Meryl and Snake kept moving until a woman named Sniper Wolf hurt Meryl and captured Snake. Revolver Ocelot because he was very mean. But Snake did not give up because he was good at pressing the circle bu*ton.
Otakon gave snake some ketchup through his cell door because Otakon is stupid.
After Snake escaped, he fought off all the terrorists, including the leader of the group, whose name was Liquid Snake. Liquid was Snake's evil British brother. But even though they fought many times, Liquid was not k**ed.
Eventually, Snake made it to Metal Gear Rex, and tried to shut it down, but accidentally activated it. Whoops!
After it was turned on, Liquid Snake got in Metal Gear Rex to drive it and destroy the earth. "It's not over yet!" he yelled. But the nice ninja showed up one last time and tried to stop Metal Gear Rex from doing anything bad.
With the ninja's help, Snake destroyed Metal Gear Rex's radar. Then the nice ninja died, and this made Snake sad.
Snake fought Liquid and won the fight by shooting rockets at him, beating him up on top of Metal Gear Rex, then shooting him in the face from a moving truck, then giving him a cold.
Snake was very tired. He then escaped Shadow Moses with Meryl and they both lived happily ever after... until a few years later.
(The crowd ominously ooooh's as we zoom into a drawing of Liquid's arm.)
(Credits)
Kid 1: Howdy, partner!
Kid 2: I like pie!
Kid 3: I like pie!
Kid 4: I like pie!