Empath: Welcome, welcome, one and all, to your favorite game show! I'm your host, Empath! Let's waste no time. That's right, folks---say it with me: U-SER INTERVIEWS! If you're tuning in this episode, be prepared to learn about our newest contestant: the bold, the bantering, the benevolent, the beloved, Angelated! Here she is, coming up to center stage
Now, Ms. Angelated. Let's start with something simple: If you could travel to any year in history for the strict purpose of hanging out with one person, what year would it be and who would you hang out with?
Angelated: Wow, you've already thrown a difficult one at me. There's ten different ideas bouncing in my head, but at the end, I'd go with Oscar Wilde in 1882, when he met Walt Whitman and gave his lectures in America. This was over a decade before his success boomed, had a h*mos**ual affair, or was imprisoned, so I would be able to talk to him as an untarnished enthusiastic amateur. I know that sounds a bit boring, haha.
Empath: That's correct!
The crowd cheers.
Empath: Not boring at all! Gotta love literary heroes.
Okay, now for an actual intro question. What was it that brought you to Genius?
Angelated: I was searching explanations to lyrics to Eminem's E****m's songs back in my teenage cringe-worthy stanning days. None of that truly brought me to Genius, though – I only checked once in a while at E****m's lyrics. Only when I saw Wilfred Owen's “Futility” did I realize that I could actually become an actual valuable a**et to the site by contributing literary knowledge through annotations and the lit forums. Sharing interpretations of texts was something I always wanted to do with my real-life peers, but they didn't care like this site does.
…which caused me to evolved into the dr00 harv0 of the Lit Genius world.
Empath: Correct!!
The crowd cheers. One man falls to the ground in excitement.
Empath: Lit Genius dr00 harv0?! That is certainly a crowning achievement. You should be proud...Also, you got it right
Speaking of lit, what's your favorite poem of all time? You can narrow it down to 3 if you like (I know it's hard).
Angelated: That's like asking a rap user what their favorite rap song is of all time, and my tastes evolve. But my favorites include “lighght” by Aram Saroyan (because though it's literally the word “lighght”, it opens up so much discussion and controversy), and “Ode to a Nightengale” by John Keats (which is just brilliant). But I can go on.
Empath: Oh man, those are great choices. “lighght” is a cla**ic. Also...you're absolutely correct!
The crowd spasms with joy.
Empath: Recall one of your favorite memories—what is it and why is it important to you?
Angelated: Ever?? I am a travel addict, so my most amazing experiences in my life were in Paris, 2014. The food, the culture, the art – holy sh**. It's important to me because I conversed in a language I barely knew to natives for the first time, solidifying my love for learning languages and exploring the world instead of being an agoraphobiac (obvs discovering Genius reverted it kinda).
(oh yeah, also because I'm studying abroad there this summer, hee hee) Empath: WAAAAAHHHH!! That's awesome! I'm so jealous! ...Especially since you got the answer right! You're on a roll!
The crowd rolls on the floor to symbolize their undying affection for Angelated.
Empath: You mentioned you were a travel addict (which I can totally relate to, by the way, and wish I could act on more). Where else have you traveled?
Angelated: 13 countries: China, Taiwan, Japan (x2), Korea (x2), USA, Mexico (x2), Canada (x4), France, Belgium, Sweden, Denmark, UK, Germany. I also speak Mandarin, French, and [very little] Japanese :D
Empath: Wow…
The crowd falls gasps, unable to handle the anticipation. Somebody spills their popcorn.
Empath: ...and I haven't even visited most of the US. Rad, and also correct!
The crowd explodes with excitement.
Empath: So, switching topics, what's your Genius dream? In other words, what's the one thing you'd love to see happen to Genius?
Angelated: For you and ScopeY to rub beards together is a Genius dream, but I'd like to see Lupe drop verified tates some time soon (since I tweet him Genius links every day now to get senpai to notice me ;-;).
Empath: I'm honored! Beard on beard will happen one day. For the other, let's hope! You just can't lose!
Several audience members begin crying and babbling.
Empath: What started your obsession with Lupe?
Angelated: I wasn't really in to rap before Genius. I saw it as the world saw it: MONEY fu*k b*tchES DEAL DRUGS KILL N****S. Finding such an intellectual site dedicated to appreciating and interpreting such a misinterpreted genre made me realize that rap comes in many forms, and that its purpose was to bring stories to life.
So I did the most basic thing: Google the most popular rap songs that address social issues (I didn't know about Genius forums until I was an editor). I actually found Lupe in the related section of a result, or something. So I binged on his songs. I also found out that Lupe's a painter like me, the founder of an organization that empowers youth, and has like four black belts—he's most definitely my role model.
Empath: That's so cool...and so correct!
The crowd, elated and angelic, begins chanting Angelated's name.
Empath: Have you seen the video where Lupe beats a professional Street Fighter player at his own game? Great stuff.
CONGRATULATIONS: You have now entered the LIGHTNING ROUND. BEGIN!
Audience members in the balconies shoot fireworks over the crowd. The sprinkler systems activate and douse everyone. They're too busy cheering to care.
Angelated: damn it.
Empath: Favorite insect?
Angelated: The luna moth, the most s**ual insect (and really beautiful) that has no mouth and lives less than a week by dying from malnutrition.
Empath: Favorite heterochromia combo?
Angelated gives no answer.
Empath: Sasquatch or Nessy?
Angelated: what?
Empath: Doritos or Tostitos?
Angelated: neither
Empath: Apples or nectarines? (choose wisely)
Angelated: Apples, I make dope pie.
Empath: 3rd dimension or 5th dimension?
Angelated: I can't make a decision on something I can't comprehend, so 3rd dimension
Empath: Best actor?
Angelated: Leonardo DiCaprio, not because he's mainstream and I have zero film knowledge, but because I recently watched The Revenant.
Empath: Worst musician?
Angelated: Worst musician is me
Empath: Least favorite condiment?
Angelated: Wasabi begins with a W because it's WOAT
Empath: Left or right?
Angelated: Left, because it translated to “Gauche” in French, which also means colloquially “socially awkward”
Empath: Sea or sky?
Angelated: Sky, I love planes and can't swim
Empath: Best terribad movie?
Angelated: I don't know how to movies, ask kaza-bae (Alekazam)
Empath: One thing you do everyday?
Angelated: Smoke Genius everyday
Empath: Emotions or logic?
Angelated: Emotions
Empath: Believe in ghosts?
Angelated: I wish I believed
Empath: Aliens?
Angelated: Very probable.
Empath: Seafood?
Angelated: In Japan, there was a fancy 30-types-of-sashimi thing I ate. I hated it all. So...No.
Empath: Worst habit?
Angelated: Extreme pen-biter. Broken many brackets on my braces.
Empath: If we colonize Mars, are you going?
Angelated: If Mars has loved ones and Wifi...
Empath: Favorite cheese?
Angelated: GOAT cheese
Empath: Those answers were even better than I expected, and I expected greatness. 1000 points to Angelated!
The crowd members lose their sh**...literally.
Empath: CONGRATULATIONS: You have now ended the LIGHTNING ROUND and begun the THUNDER ROUND. The THUNDER ROUND will consist of several super serious questions, so prepare yourself. BEGIN!
Every single audience member falls completely silent, quivering with anticipation.
Angelated: Haha, I get it, because lightning comes before thunder!
Empath: What are you proudest of?
Angelated: On the context of Genius, I'm the most proud of swinelord – he's really the hardest worker and former coachee. In the real world, I'm proud of being able to sleep before or around 10 pm every school night ever (except like twice…oops)
Empath: What is one of the most important lessons you've learned?
Angelated: The most important lesson I've learned was to treat others equally while acknowledging them as different [individuals]. We're all unique but are entitled to equal treatment.
Empath: Who inspires you?
Angelated: Tyrant's pet ceiling fan, Robert. He's attended every single hangout faithfully, and is such a hard worker to help Tyrant keep his cool.
For real though, you do. So do your avis.
Empath: Aww…Too kind! And 100% correct!
More than half the audience begins to convulse as though having a religious experience. The barriers begin to rattles and bend. Security personnel abandon their posts.
Empath: Okay, I'd love to keep asking you questions forever, but I think we've run out of time. It's been a pleasure.
To wrap this up, if you were interviewing yourself, what's one question you would ask?
Angelated: What the hell are you going to next with your life? And I'd respond with the Lenny face. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Empath: ...WE. HAVE. A. WINNER!!! Step right up and claim your prize!! Behind door number 1 is a...
The crowd vibrates into one collective consciousness. The hive mind levitates as one congealed blob of human excitement and flies towards the stage. Sensing danger for the first time in his life, Empath jumps in front of the flesh orb and takes the hit. He is flung backwards into the stage, wrestling with this monster of his own creation. At the last possible moment, he throws Angelated a set of keys. Angelated catches them.
Empath: ...A NEW CAR!
The hive mind consumes Empath. Angelated pauses momentarily, shrugs her shoulders, and drives off in her brand new Lexus bumping Lupe Fiasco.