Hello internet, my name is Dan and today I am going to roast myself with a diss track :
(f** I just hit myself in the face, okay. Let's- let's do this.)
A month without uploaded he comes back with a tag
That no one even tagged him in
He's not a challenge to drag (ouch)
So prepare for an attack
And by that I mean cringe (oh)
Cause the motherf**ers about to get
Dragged by his fringe
First things first, you're freakishly tall
It's weird, you look like a noodle (true)
You've got hair that was cool in 2007
And wet you just look like a poodle (hobbit)
Throw in a really annoying posh voice and
Yup that's Dan (posh)
You're what would happen if Winnie the Pooh
f**ed Slenderman
You procrastinate making videos
Cause getting judged is scary (oooh)
You're so close to being forgotten
The hate's imaginary (whoah)
The only reason you get views
Is you're another white guy
That people ship with his friend
Cause they think it's kawaii!
Oh?
[reasons why Dan's a fail! (yay)]
I'll give you some
[*gasp*]
You never tweet
You overeat
All you do is cry and sleep
Your jokes are sh**posts and memes
With no originality
Your family's sad you flopped
Your law degree at University
And anything embarra**ing that's from your past
You just delete
You were vegan for three weeks
Then what? you missed the meat?
Wow I'm so impressed
By your clear moral integrity
You try so hard to be peaceful
And diplomatic
But can't make toast without Tumblr saying you're problematic
[*gasp*]
I could go on
There's more if I check
There's more things on this list
Then chins on your neck
On your birthday you joked you were a quarter way to d**h
A hundred? Yeah
When getting out of bed makes you out of breath?
So your celebrity crush was J-Law and now its Evan P.? (mhh)
What the f** even is your s**uality?
It's hard to put you in a box
When you keep it so blurry (what is that?)
I think it's just to hide
That you're secretly a furry
*cough*
[I-I'm joking. obviously. ... okay that went deep. Repress it? yup! Before I start crying, let's wrap this sh** up]
I'm gonna go and masturbate
Then cry into a slice of pizza
[feelings.]
Shout out to the other YouTubers
Especially Ryan Higa (*chuckle*)
A cringe compilation mixed with cultural appropriation
Met with no depreciation
It's the YouTube nation
Click subscribe
If you wanna watch four videos a year (or three)
To see my last one (from 10 years ago) just click over here (fail)
So leave a comment with your reaction
You can call me a liar
Cause you just witnessed the roast of
[Danisnotonfire]
(removal of shades followed by unidentified sobbing noises from Dan)