My fellow Americans, it's time for me to have an important conversation with my most trusted advisor. He's my friend, he's my conscience, he explains things to me when I don't understand them. And let's face it, that's a not-small portion of the time. He's the one that taught me that FEMA is not a bone in the human leg. He explained to me that an HMO is not someone who's attracted to men. You all probably know him as "Shooter," he's my vice president: Dick Cheney!
Good to see you, how are you, nice to see you, what's happening, pleasure to see you...Mr. President, how is everything?
How's it goin' there, Dick-o?
Well, Mr. President, I just would hope that you and all the other American people would understand that this is the first time that I have ever shot a man accidentally. Surely you understand that, Mr. President. I would also like to say, I don't know why I'm getting all this grief, I went to visit the man I shot in the hospital.
You shot a man in the hospital too?
Get on...
Okay, we're gonna be joined by former administration aid, Scooter Libby. Or, as we call him, Scooby Looby. Of course, many people are questioning the people that I keep losing in my administration. People left and right...I keep losing people that are involved with me. I just want to ensure all Americans that if I lose anyone else, don't worry, I stand ready to step up and take over.
And, don't worry about things, Scooter, we're gonna get you reinstated. We'll even get you back pay.
Uh, thanks Mr. Cheney.
We'll even pay you radioactively.
When people asked about who leaked that agent
I pleaded ignorance, that's been my theme
We all don't wanna swim with shoes of cement
So Scooter's gonna take one for the team
You want me smearin', steerin'
The news away from you guys
My polls are goin', lower
Than my grades at Yale
Just walk the plank
We both will say thanks
I'm so indicted
He's gonna bite it
I'm less popular than him and I'm unindicted
So it's decided
I was...misguided?
They know, they know, they know, they know, they know, they got you, they got you
I'll get a lawyer, and I won't take chances
They're gonna offer me some kind of deal
Just plead exterminating circumstances
Or maybe like Ned Beatty, I will squeal
Right now I'm freakin', leakin'
Right into my trousers
If I tattle, that'll
Lead to both of you
Don't go that trail
I'm too cute for jail
Don't be short-sighted
Then help me fight it
Well, if we have a good excuse, hey, I think they'll buy it
Hey, let's all try it...
I am not a crook
I did not have s**ual relations with that woman, Judith Miller
Mission accomplished
Ohhh...done!