So, no. It's good to be here. Wherever I am.
God, since I was here, we had a war. That's pretty f**in' weird, huh? A war? Wasn't really a war, you know? A war is when TWO armies are fighting.
So, don't know if you could call it a war, exactly. You know.
The Persian Gulf Distraction is more like it, I think.
Pretty amazing thing, really. Bush turned out to be a major f**ing demon, who would've guessed?
Remember when he was first President? He was the wimp president! Do you remember that? Cover of Newsweek! Cover of f**ing Newsweek!
WWWWWWIMP PRESIDENT.
Apparently, this stuck in this guy's craw a bit!
Guy was a dynamite waiting to go off!
"We surrender!"
[Bush impression:] "Not good enough!"
"We run away!"
[Bush:] "Too little, too late!
Call ME a wimp. C'mon, f**ers! C'MON!"
...
"Hold him back!"
Those guys were in hog heaven over there, man. They had a big weapons catalog opened up...
"What's G-12 do, Tommy?"
"See, it says here it destroys everything but the fillings in their teeth! Helps us pay for the war effort!"
"Well, f**! Pull that one up!"
[walkie-talkie noise]
"Pull up G-12, please."
[sound of rocket launching]
...
[distant explosion]
"Cool! What's G-13 do?"
Big Sears weapons catalog. Weapons for all occasions!
You know.
See, everyone got bo*ers over the technology. And it was pretty incredible, watching missiles fly down air vents. Pretty unbelievable. But couldn't we feasibly use that same technology to shoot food at hungry people?
Know what I mean?
Fly over Ethiopia, "There's a guy that needs a banana!"
[missile launches]
...
[missile flies past]
The Stealth Banana!
Smart fruit!
I dunno. Once again, I was watching the f**ing news, that really threw me off. It depressed everyone! It's just so scary, watching the news. How they've built it all out of proportion like Iraq was ever or could ever possibly, under any stretch of the imagination, be a threat to us... wwwwhatsoever. But! Watching the news, you never would've got that idea!
Remember how it started? They kept talking about the Elite Republican Guard in these hushed tones like these guys were the Boogeymen or something.
"Yeah, we're doing well now, but we have yet to face the Elite Republican Guard."
Like these guys were 12-feet-tall desert warriors.
[sound of footsteps crushing the ground]
Never lost a battle!
[crush, crush]
We sh** bullets!
[crush, crush, crush]
Yeah, well, after two months of continuous carpet-bombing and not ONE reaction at all from them, they became, simply, the Republican Guard! Hahahahahahahaha!
Not nearly as elite as we would have led you to believe!
And after another month of bombing, they went from the Elite Republican Guard to the Republican Guard to the Republicans Made This sh** Up About There Being Guards Out There.
We hope you enjoyed your fireworks show!
It was so pretty and it took our mind off of domestic issues!
The Persian Gulf Distraction.
People said, "Uh uh, Bill. Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world!"
[audience laughs]
Yeah, maybe, but you know what, after the first three largest armies, there's a rrrrreal big f**in' drop-off, alright?
The Hare Krishnas are the fifth largest army in the world. They've already got our airports. Okay? So... I think that's the greater threat right now. Mr. Onion-Head in Terminal C is scaring the sh** out of me. Get him away from me.
What an amazing thing, though, three...
You know? And the amazing thing, obviously, the disparity in the casualties. Iraq: 150,000 casualties, USA: 79.
Iraq: one hundred and fifty THOUSAND, USA: seventy. NINE.
Does that mean that if we had sent over eighty guys, we still would've won that f**in' thing or what?
One guy in a ticker tape parade: "I did it! Hey!
You're welcome! Heh heh!"
"Good work, Tommy, how'd you do it?"
"I pulled up G-12! It was in the catalog! Worked like a charm! Ha ha!"
You know, my biggest problem with the whole thing was that bloodlust that everyone... came out of everyone, you know?
This BLOODLUST, man. It's really unbelievable!
Like, I was over in England. You ever been to England, anyone? England?
[Audience Members:] Yeah.
NO ONE has handguns in England, not even the cops. True or false?
[Audience:] True.
NOW!
In England last year, they had fourteen d**hs from handguns.
Ffffffffffffffffffffourteen.
NOW!
The United States, I think you know how WE feel about handguns. Whoo! I'm gettin' a warm, tingly feeling just sayin' the f**ing word, to be honest with you. I swear to you, I am hard.
23,000 d**hs from handguns. Let's go through those numbers again because they're a little baffling at first glance.
England, where no one has guns: fffffffffffffffffffourteen d**hs.
United States, and I think you know how WE feel about guns, whoooop! I'm gettin' a stiffy: 23,000 d**hs from handguns.
But there's no connection! And you'd be a fool and a communist to make one.
There's no connection between having a gun and shooting someone with it and NOT having a gun and NOT SHOOTING SOMEONE.
There have been studies made and there is no connection at all there. Yes. That's absolutely proof.
You know, fourteen d**hs from handguns.
They're probably American tourists.
"You call this a sandwich?"
[gunshots]
"You don't boil pizza!"
[gunshots]
[British accent:] "That's the way we eat here! That's the way we eat here!"
[gunshots]
"This food s**s!"
[gunshots]
And, boy, does it s**. Okay, great.
If I'd had a gun, I would've been number 15 on that f**in' list.
You know, 14-- okay though, admittedly, in England, last year, they had 23,000 d**hs per soccer game. Alright, okay, okay.
[audience groans]
I'm not saying every system is flawless! I'm saying, if you're in England, don't go to a goddamn soccer game and you're comin' home, okay?
It's weird, they don't have guns in England, but they have a very high crime rate, which tells you how polite the f**in' English are.
"Give me your wallet!"
"Alright."
At least no one was hurt. [laughs]
How do you have a crime rate and no weapons, man? Does a guy walk into a bank, "Gimme all your money! I've got a soccer ball!"
"sh**, Ian, that's a Spalding! He's serious!"
"Hand over the pounds!"
I just don't understand this bloodlust. 'Cause, you know, I know the world seems really frightening at times, but I think we're going to do okay.
I'll tell you a true story. A true f**in' story, man, about bloodlust.
I was down in Alabama, and I was playing a town called Fyffe, Alabama last year... and, uh... they wanted me there to host their annual rickets telethon or something, I don't know what the f** it was. But anyway, it was great to be there and, uh...
Anyway, this is absolutely true. Last year, in Fyffe, Alabama, they had all these UFO sightings. And apparently, everyone in this town saw these UFOs. Alright? Which really pissed me off, because when I was there... about 40 people saw me. But! There was no advance advertising, there was no publicity. That's a BIG market for me.
Anyway, I'm curious about UFOs. So I asked people there what it was like! And this guy said, "Oh man, it was incredible! People came from miles around to look at 'em. Lotta people came armed!"
People are bringing shotguns... to UFO sightings.
Kind of brings a whole new meaning to that phrase, "You ain't from around here, are you, boy?"
I said to the guy, "Why do y'all bring shotguns to UFO sightings? It seems to me there's going to be a point in our development or evolution where you put your guns aside. You know what I mean? Don't you think that would happen just f**in' once?"
Guy said, "Well, we didn't wanna be abducted."
I'm thinking, "Yeah, and leave all this. Ha ha!"
Dude, if I lived in Fyffe, Alabama, I'd be on my hands and knees praying for abduction every goddamn morning, alright? And believe me, I would not be picky.
Greyhound. Abduct me.
But I said, "What do you mean, abducted?"
He said, "Well, they abduct people and then they perform scientific and medical experiments on 'em."
I said, "Well, maybe we'll be lucky and it's some kind of sterility/dentistry program they got going on. Maybe they come down here, castrate you, straighten your teeth and split!
Sort of a "clean up the universe" pact."
He said, "Huh?"
I was almost sure I was talking to that dude!
I'll tell you, too, that's starting to depress me about UFOs. The fact that they cross galaxies or wherever they come from to visit us and always end up in places like Fyffe, Alabama. Maybe these are not superintelligent beings, man! Maybe they're, like, hillbilly aliens! Some intergalactic Joad family or somethin'.
"Don't y'all wanna land in New York or L.A.?"
"Nah, we just had a long trip, we're gonna kick back and whittle some!"
"Oh my God, they're idiots!"
"We're gonna enter our mothership in the tractor pull! Ha ha!"
"My God, we're being invaded by rednecks!"
My biggest fear.
Last thing I wanna see is a flying saucer up on blocks in front of some trailer, you know?
Wouldn't that be depressing? Some bumper sticker on it?
"They'll Get My Raygun When They Pry My Cold, Dead, 18-Fingered Hand Off of It"
See, in England, man, they have these crop circle things. You hear about that? These crop circles that show up, you know? Which two guys have since claimed that they were responsible for, but I believe they're aliens, too.
But they think aliens actually landed in and around Stonehenge and take off, and I ask people what it's like over there and they say, "Oh! It's incredible. People came from miles around. Lot of them brought soccer balls."
Would you let the aliens land, please? They might be here to pick me up.