So what else, folks?
I smoke.
If this bothers anyone, I recommend you looking around at the world in which we live and... shuttin' your f**in' mouth.
Either that or suffer a facial burn, your choice.
After all, this is America, land of freedom, so you have that option ahead of you.
I now realize I smoke for simply one reason, and that is spite.
I hate you non-smokers with all of my little black f**in' heart.
You obnoxious, self-righteous, whinin' little f**s. My biggest fear if I quit smoking is that I'll become one of you.
Now, don't take that wrong.
How many non-smokers do we have here tonight? By round of applause. Non-smokers.
[a significant amount of the crowd applauds]
Good! 'Cause I have something to tell ya.
I do! I have something to tell you non-smokers and this is for you and you only, because I know for a fact that you don't know this.
And I feel it's my duty to pa** on information at all times so that we can all learn, evolve and get the f** off this planet.
Non-smokers, this is for you and you only. Ready?
Non-smokers die... every day.
Sleep tight.
You see, I know you entertain some type of eternal life fantasy because you do not smoke cigarettes. May I be the first to... [pop!] pop that little f**in' bubble of yours and send you hurtling back to the truth?
You're dead, too. Ahahahahahahahaha!
Ha! Ha! Have a good evening.
A-ha!
And you know what doctors say: "sh**, if only you'd smoked, we'd have the technology to help you!
It's the people dyin' from nothing that are screwed."
I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me, man.
Oxygen tent, iron lung... it's like going to Sharper Image!
Major rationalizations. [laughs]
We live in such a weird culture, man.
Does anyone remember this? When Yul Brynner died and came out with that commercial after he was dead?
"I'm Yul Brynner and I'm dead now."
What the f**'s this guy selling?
I'm all ears!
"I'm Yul Brynner and I'm dead now 'cause I smoked cigarettes."
Okay, pretty scary. But they could've done that with anyone.
They could've done it with that Jim Fixx guy, too, remember that guy? That health nut who died while jogging?
Well, I don't remember seeing his commercial!
"I'm Jim Fixx and I'm dead now.
And I don't know what the f** happened.
I jogged every day, ate nothing but tofu, swam 500 laps every morning. I'm dead.
Yul Brynner drank, smoked and got laid every night of his life. He's dead.
[beat]
sh**!"
Yul Brynner smokin', drinkin', girls are sittin' on his cueball noggin every night of his life!
I'm runnin' around a Dewey Track at dawn.
And we're both f**in' dead.
Yul used to pa** me on his way home in the morning!
Big long limousine. Two girls blowin' him! Cigarette in one hand, drink in the other!
One day that life's gonna get to you, Yul!"
[mimes fatal heart attack]
Thhhhhhhhhey're both dead.
Yeah, but what a healthy-looking corpse you were, Jim.
Look at the hamstrings on that corpse!
Look at the sloppy grin on Yul's corpse!
Yul Brynner lived his life.
Sure, he died a 78-pound stick figure, okay? There are certain drawbacks.
[laughs]
Oh, man.
People'll say the stupidest things sometimes, too.
"Hey man, you quit smoking, you'll get your sense of smell back."
I live in New York City, I got news for you: I don't want my f**in' sense of smell back.
[sniffs]
"Is that urine?"
[sniffs]
"I think I smell a dead guy. Honey, look! A dead guy!"
[sniffs] "Covered in urine. Check this out!"
[sniffs] "Someone just peed on this guy. That's fresh!
Just think, if I'd been smoking, I never would've found him!"
[sniffs] "A urine-covered dead fella. What are the odds?
Thank God I quit smoking, now I can enjoy the wonders of New York, honey! Look!"
[sniffs, exhales proudly]
I'm Bill Hicks and I'm dead now... because I smoked cigarettes.
Cigarettes didn't k** me, a bunch of non-smokers kicked the sh** out of me one night.
I tried to run, they had more energy than I.
I tried to hide, they heard me wheezing.
Many of them smelled me.
[sniffing] "There he is, get him!"
[loud wheezing]
"Oh, he's hardly f**in' moving. This is pathetic!"
[wheezing]
"Look, he's still trying to get away! He's like a roach!
Step on him!"
[wheezing]
"Squash him!"
[wheezing]
"Let's k** him and pee on him." "Yeah!"
"Aaaah!"
[he laughs]
"Aaaah!"
[sound of tundra fades in as Hicks fades out]