[The sound of wind blowing over a frozen tundra] [Heckler:] You got a bad attitude. [The audience whoops] [Hicks:] [singing] "We've only just begun..." I got alllllllllll sorts of new dark sh** for you, my man. You ever dance with the devil in the moonlight? I dunno what my attitude is, I'm trying to work on it all the time. You know. What the f**. I'm drinking water tonight. That's pretty amazing. Water. It's really weird how your life changes, you know what I mean? Water. Four years ago? Opium. Isn't that weird? I mean, really! Night and day! Night and f**in' day! Some of y'all may remember me as a drinker. Uh... I was a weekend drinker. You know, I'd start on Saturday, end on Friday. And, um... I thought I was controlling it there, but... I don't drink anymore. I don't do d** anymore, either, than... I'd say, the average touring funk band. If I had to add it up. No, I don't do d** anymore, either. But I'll tell you something about d**. I used to do d**. But I'll tell you something honestly about d**, honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea. You don't hear it very often anymore, BUT it is the truth... I had a great time doin' d**. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife OR kids, laughed my a** off... and went about my day. Sorry. Now, where's my commercial? Why don't I get a commercial? Why is it always that other guy that gets the commercial? "I lost my job, then my house, then my wife, then my car, then my kids. Don't do d**." Well, I'm definitely not doing 'em with you. f**! Man, you're bummin' me out! Get him out of here! Who invited Mr. Doom over? Get that guy out of here! That guy by the dip. He's bummin' everyone out! He hasn't stopped talkin'... I wish he'd lose his f**in' voice! I mean, I've lost my car before, okay. Found it the next day, you know, no biggie. I don't think that warranted a commercial. "I lost my car and, uh... Nope, there it is by that dumpster! Hahaha! Forget it! See you tomorrow!" [honks twice and speeds off] You know, I've lost stuff. I'm not sayin' that. I knew we were in trouble when that damn... that egg commercial. That guy. I knew that was... the government's take on d**, you know, were f**ed. Believe me. "Here's your brain." I've seen a lot of weird sh** on d**. I've never ever ever EVER EVER looked at an egg and thought it was a f**in' brain. Not once. Alright? I have seen UFOs split the sky like a sheet, but I have never, ever, ever looked at an egg and thought it was a f**in' brain... NOT ONCE. I have had seven balls of light come off of a UFO, lead me onto their ship, explain to me telepathically that we are all one and there is no such thing as d**h, but I have never ever ever ever looked at an egg... and thought it was a f**in' brain. Now. Maybe I wasn't getting good sh**. I admit it, I see that commercial, I feel cheated. "Hey, where's the stuff that makes eggs look like brains? That sounds neat, did I quit too soon? What is that, CIA stash?" You see the guy in that commercial, guy's got a beer gut... [thick Southern accent] "Alright, this is it. Look at that, man. This is yer brain. I ain't doin' this again. That's your br--" The guy's drunk doing the f**in' commercial, man. "Here's your brain." THAT'S AN EGG! That's a frying pan, that's a stove, you're an alcoholic. Dude, I'm trippin' right now... and I still see that as a f**in' egg, alright? I see the UFOs around it, but that is a goddamn EGG in the middle... There's a Hobbit eating it, but got dammit, that Hobbit is eatin' a f**in' EGG. He's on a unicorn, but that-- nope!-- that-- eh!-- oh!-- That's a f**in' egg! Yeah. How dare you have a wino tell me not to do d**. [Audience Member:] Why did you quit? [Hicks:] Why did I quit? Because after you've been taken aboard a UFO, it's kinda hard to top that, alright? They have Alcoholics Anonymous, they don't have Alien Anonymous. Tell you what, though, going to AA meetings (which I have to do), but uh, goin' there and hearin' people talk about their f**in' booze stories... you know, I'm sittin' there...
"You know, I love the taste of gin. It's just so good. Ta--" f** you, I've been on a UFO! f** off! I went DRINKIN' with aliens, you f**er! Shut up! "I lost my wife..." I LOST AN ALIEN CULTURE WHO WANTED TO TAKE ME TO THE PLANET ARCTURUS. fu*k YOU! I mean, I don't know if I've gotten the Resentment/Forgiveness part down in the program, but! [singing] "One day at a time..." No, I just cannot, you know, believe in a war against d** when they have anti-drug commercials on TV all day long followed by... "This Bud's for You". I got news for you, folks. A1: Alcohol is a drug B2: (and here's the rub) Alcohol k**s more people than crack, coke and h**n... combined each year. So, thanks for inviting me to your little alcoholic drug den here tonight... you fine, upstanding citizens, you, wink wink, nudge nudge. You know what? If I was gonna have a drug be legal, it would not be alcohol. You know why? There's better d** and better d** for you. That's a fact, so you can stop your internal dialogue. "But wait a minute, Bill! Alcohol's an acceptable form of social interaction which for thousands of years has been the norm under which human beings have congregated and formed... social cliques, and they've conquered..." Shut the f** up. Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic d**... I see through you. Pot is a better drug than alcohol: fffffact. And I'll prove it to you. You're at a ball game; you're at a concert; someone's really violent, aggressive and obnoxious. Are they drunk or are they smokin' pot? [Audience:] Drunk! [Hicks:] The one and only correct answer, tell 'em what they won, Johnny! I've never seen people on pot get in a fight because it is f**ing impossible! "Hey, buddy!" "Hey, what?" [long pause] End of argument. Say you get in a car accident and you've been smoking pot. You're only going 4 miles per hour! [low screech, crash] "sh**, we hit somethin'!" "Forgot to open the garage door, man." "We gotta get the garage door open so Domino's knows we're home!" But I'll tell you the truth: I have never heard one reason that rang true why marijuana is against the law. That rang true, now! I'm not talking about the reasons the government tells us, 'cause I hope you know this (I think you do): All governments are lying co*ks**ers. Hope you know that. Good, alright. I mean, marijuana grows everywhere. Serves a thousand different functions, all of them positive. To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a mistake, you know what I mean? It's like God on the seventh day looked down on his creation and said, "There it is. My creation. Perfect and holy in all ways. Now I can rest. [pause] Oh my Me... I left f**in' pot everywhere. I should never have smoked that joint on the third day. sh**! If I leave pot everywhere, that's gonna give people the impression they're supposed to use it! sh**! Now I have to create Republicans." So you see, it's a vicious cycle. And I'm not promoting the use of d**. Believe me. I've... I'm not. I've had bad times on d**, okay? I mean, look at this haircut. f**! I tell you, I live in New York now, man. I'll tell you, man, the War on Drugs has definitely taken a cease-fire there. It's... I mean, it's incredible. They sell d** out loud on the street. "Heroin! Heroin! Heroin! Coke! Coke! Coke! Smoke! Smoke! Heroin! Heroin!" Those guys bug the sh** out of me. 'Cause I'm walking down the street one day, this guy's walking ahead of me, pa**es one of those dealers, he looks at him and he goes, "Heroin! Heroin! Heroin!" I pa** him, he looked at me, he goes, "Glue!" I can afford h**n, you f**er! I'm doin' laundry right now. Soon as my shirt's out of the cleaners, I'm comin' back and buyin' some of that sh** from you! Didn't need to embarra** me to d**h, alright? I was mortified. Glue. f**er! Where's a bank machine? Come here! Come here, Mr. Dealer! COME HERE! I'm gonna show you my balance! Then I'm gonna buy h**n from that little kid across the street. fu*k YOU! New York's a rather tense town.