I was over in, ah, England. I went over to England the day the LA riots occurred. Ileft LA the day the LA riots occurred. Unbelievable timing. I left LA:
‘Bye Bill, enjoy England.'
‘I will, y'all have fun while I'm gone.'
‘We will, Bill. Bye.'
I land at Heathrow Airport eleven hours later, pa** a newspaper stand: ‘LA Burnsto Ground.' Holy sh**. Did I leave a cigarette lit? How much are these? See if mypicture's in here, man. It's literally the timing. And I'm over there in England, youknow, trying to get news of the riots, you know, and all these Brit people are trying to sympathize with me:
‘Oh Bill, crime is... horrible. Bill, if it's any consolation, crime is horriblehere too.'
‘Shut up. This is Hobbiton and I'm Bilbo Hicks, OK? This is the land offairies and elves. You do not have crime like we have crime. I appreciate youtryin' to be, you know, diplomatic but...'
You gotta see English crime, if only we had crime like this, you know. It's hilarious. You don't know if you're reading the front page or the comic section over there. I swear to God. I read an article, front page of the paper one day in England: ‘Yesterday some hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shaftsbury.'
‘Whoo-oo!'
‘The hooligans are loose, the hooligans are loose. What if they become ruffians? I would hate to be a dustbin in Shaftsbury tonight. (singing) No oneknows what it's like to be a dustbin... in Shaftsbury ... with hooligans.'
What the hell are you talking about? Hooligans, ruffians – speak English! It'sCrip, Blood. I mean, I'm sure it's a serious thing, hooligans, but it just soundsstupid, doesn't it? Picture a bunch of pale guys with penny loafers and no socks.
(singing) ‘We're the hooligans.' (Pop! )
‘Hey you f**er, come here.'
‘Nope, got to catch us. You corner me, I might become a scallywag.'
You know, it's— yeah. It doesn't sound scary at all, does it? They have propercrime there. Yeah, I'd love to put the hooligans up against the Bloods in LA, thatwould be a... a short gang-battle.
(singing) ‘We're the hooligans.' (Pop! )
(three gunshots) ‘Huh? Hoola something, I didn't catch it all. Motherf**erdanced up to me and patted me on the head. A pale motherf**er, look atthat thing.'
It just wouldn't be a long gang-battle. I'm bettin' on the Bloods.