That's one thing about traveling, man. Staying in hotels all the time. Does anybody stay in hotels on a regular basis?
[Audience Member:] No.
Can you help me with something?
Does "Do Not Disturb" mean "Knock immediately" in Spanish? Or uh, what's the f**in' problem here?
"Do not disturb." Fairly clear! Then again, I'm a reader.
Put that on your door, within five minutes, they're there.
"Housekeeping!"
[knocking sounds]
That's not too disturbing, is it?
[knocking]
"Do you need fresh towels?"
[knocking]
"Hey, I'mma need to wipe up yer blood... if you keep KNOCKIN' on that f**in' DOOR!"
They'll even walk in with a pa**-key, have you ever had that? Your room? You're in it? "Do Not Disturb" ON THE fu*kIN' DOOR!
Housekeeping STROLLLLLLLLS RIGHT IN.
You're sittin' there going, "Hey, HEY, HEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!"
"I'm here to change the sheets! Ha ha!"
"Yeah, come back in five minutes. You're gonna be working overtime on this crusty pillowcase.
I'm young, too. You better check the ceilings, baby."
Like there's anything to jack off to in a hotel room.
There's another symptom of the third mall from the sun, man.
They got this thing in hotel rooms now, instead of cable TV, they got a thing called SpectraVision, you know what that is? Where you BUY the movies?
They got these movies on there, it says right there on the movie card "Adult Feature".
Movies called "Sex Kittens." Adult feature. It's on after 12, costs $6.35, well, look.
I'm an adult, I've got $6.35 and, oop! I'm up after 12! Hahaha! Let's see the f**in' film.
Have you ever seen one of these? It's a p**nographic movie, but the p**nography is cut out of it! BAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OOOOOOOOOOOH!
THERE is a frustrating hour.
You wonder why people run through malls with automatic weapons these days, you know?
"I almost saw the p**y!" [gunshot noise]
"I need to see the p**y!" [gunshot]
Now, I don't want to seem shallow... but I don't think the plot and dialogue alone are enough to carry these films, y'all. I'd leave those f**in' scenes in if I were you. For continuity!
They got all these weird cuts where you don't see the woman at all. But, what do they leave in? OH! The guy's hairy a**!
[mimes 70s p**no funk music]
[knocking] "Housekeeping!"
"GO AWAY!!!!
I'm looking at a guy's hairy a**!"
[wah-wah pedal funk ba**]
Where are the Sex Kittens?
Two guys make these movies!
One guy films his own a**, the other guy has a wah-wah pedal and comes up with titles. These guys are making a fortune!
"Let's call this one Stewardesses in Heat!"
"Good title, Timmy! Film my bu*t!"
[funk ba**]
Where are the stewardesses?
"Let's call this one Waitress Daisy Chain!"
"Great, get a close-up!"
[funk ba**]
Hey, where are the wait-- WHERE ARE THE fu*kIN' CHICKS?!
I GOTTA PAY FOR THESE MOVIES!
The guy at the clerk is going, "Hey, you're the guy who bought all the hairy bobbin' man a** films?"
"It didn't say that! It said Pink Librarians!"
"Yeah, buddy. Right."
"If it had said Hairy Bobbing Man Ass, I'd have never bought the motherf**er!"
God dammit! Is it me?
And they have these... on the movie card. It says "If you have any suggestions for our films, please write."
Ehh. I wrote 'em a letter and I said, "Yeah, CUM SHOTS."
It's not an Adult Feature unless, at the end, someone's gooey, okay? Arcing ropes of jism hitting chins. THAT is an Adult Feature.
Women licking up semen like kittens under a cow udder! THAT is an Adult Feature.
That's a hairy, bobbin' man a**. I don't know who that's for. I don't know WHO watches that. I mean, I've got that kind of time, but uh...
Boy, the p**nography industry. There's some pompous f**s, huh?
You ever look at a hardcore p**nographic magazine? They have this disclaimer that says "All of our models are 18 years and older."
Huh! These are MODELS, all of a sudden.
Yeah, tell me something, Miss Model. How is jism being worn this year? Is it being worn back or in bangs or off the chin?
Yeah, these are MODELS.
Yeah, here's Dusty modelling a 14-inch co*k up her a**! Come on down, Dusty! This is how co*ks are worn in Europe, you know.
Yep, here's Dallas with a penis ensemble.
And these are MODELS.
Yeah, I'm an amusement engineer, okay?
Adult Features with no s** in them.
That sounds like a throwback to AIDS, is that what it is?
Boy, AIDS, man. What other generation had anything comparable to AIDS, you know? The 50s? Rug burn. Pfft.
I don't know how much AIDS scares y'all, but I've got a theory. The day they come out with a cure for AIDS, a guaranteed one-shot, no problem cure... on that day, there's gonna be f**ing in the streets, man.
"IT'S OVEEEEEEEEEER!
Who are you? Come here!
What's your name? No, it's over! Yeah! WOOOOOOOHOO!"
Man, there's gonna be news cameras on every corner.
"They're f**in' everywhere!
This is Dan Rather and you're not gonna believe this sh**!"
'Course all you're gonna see on the news is [funk ba** line].
That's right, the hairy bobbing man a**.
The one adult no one loves.