Amateur Transplants - Snippets lyrics

I can't tie my laces I don't play the flute My car is an automatic I can't paint my nails I never applaud I'm not very good at Twister And when my laptop crashes I can't even press control-alt-delete Cos I've got one hand Hello can I speak to an emergency physician? I have here a patient in a terrible condition He's vomiting up blood and he'll soon need a mortician Haematemesis Bleurgh Look at your skin, look at its off-white hue Look at your eyeballs too They've gone all yellow You came to me, you thought you had the flu I knew that wasn't true You wouldn't be yellow We took some blood off you That's just a thing we do To folks who turn yellow You're yellow like the desert in damascus is You're yellow cos your liver has metastases Do you know you're really fuccked you know You're really f**ed you know I would jog and I'd start rowing Every day you'd see me going to the park and to the gym I'd go drinking in the pub and every evening I'd go clubbing If I only had some limbs I would learn to play the trumpet Cos just sitting on my stump it tends to make my life quite grim I'm content but I'd be more so if I wasn't just a torso If I only had some limbs Oh I just sit and cry, a quadruple amputee I just hang around all day and watch TV But that's the life of quadrapleg-ics I'd play cards and I'd play scrabble Not just spend my days imagining a life where I had shins Cos I've never had a date, hell I can't even masturbate Oh if I only had some limbs How can you just walk away from here? How rude can a doctor be? You're the orthopaedic registrar and we've been here since three You're the only one that we've been waiting for So take a look at my nan I think she's got a broken hip We found her in the bathroom on the floor You know I think she must have slipped Take a look at my nan The casualty doctor stated One leg is shorter than the other And it's externally rotated Well take a look at my nan Don't you know how long we've waited? And if you can't fix her, then DNR And can we have her cremated? I'm pushing 83 and the trust are telling me to retire I never take a history or consent My post-op survival rate should be higher In fact it's only 6 per cent We work at Denmark Hill for the terminally ill patients But they're relatively well when they arrive 'Cause I invent my own operations And I'm the only one who leaves theatre alive We're consultants, we're consultants at King's We're consultants at King's Do you feel any better? Or do you feel the same? We've done your operation now And you've just yourself to blame Now you've got 1 lung, 1 eye 1 knee below your 1 thigh We've removed your left hand side And you're all right now I get in the way I don't know what to do or say But I go in night and day Vainly hoping someone will teach me They say not today Practice taking blood, okay Me on take (Me on take) Me on take (Me on take) Me on take Take me home